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is it rude...

metsmarathon Nov 29 2008 06:34 AM

this came up the other day, and i was just wondering what the collective mind here thinks... is it rude to, if you're visiting a son/daughter/sibling's house, to go to the bookcases in their living room and/or 'office' room, and take things like books, photo albums, etc, to leaf through, without first asking permission? are there increased expectations of privacy on an 'office' bookshelf or desk than a living room bookshelf? realizing that its fairly common practice to crack open a medicine cabinet just for a look-see, is it also common practice to, on a tour of a house, closely examine the contents of a shelf on a night stand, or atop a bedroom bureau? just wondering...

Benjamin Grimm Nov 29 2008 06:42 AM

I do browse the bookshelves at my sister's house. And I wouldn't be upset if she did the same at mine. (As a book lover, she probably has, but I've never noticed her doing it.)

John Cougar Lunchbucket Nov 29 2008 07:23 AM

I'd have more expectations of privacy for something in an office or bedroom than a living room. but, books are for display as long as you ain't reading them.

Kong76 Nov 29 2008 07:29 AM

I think there are increased expectations of privacy around the home. Living room bookshelf is on display ... browse, read, comment, knock yourself out. Office/desk ... hey if ya find anything interesting, let us know. I think you're getting nosey and if ya wanna be helpful that Amex bill is due next week. Medicine cabinet ... next time you might find something disturbing if I think you've been going through that. Night stand/bedroom furniture ... get out of there NOW!!!

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 07:59 AM

I think it's rude to poke around someone else's belongings without first asking your host whether he/she minds. I'd make an exception for things like coffee table books that are on display on a coffee table - that seems to be an open invitation to peruse the item. Otherwise, it's poor form to go through someone's possessions without permission.

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 08:05 AM

[url=http://artofmanliness.com/2008/11/16/manners-etiquette-house-guest/]This article[/url] advocates that guests seek permission first - ]12. Always ask. Remember, you’re a guest. Even if someone tells you to make yourself at home, still ask before you start using things. It’s just polite. OE - [url=http://www.advancedetiquette.com/newsletter/aug_issue.htm]This article[/url] offers the same advice.

metirish Nov 29 2008 08:11 AM

I'd not care if it was family or close friends. In fact I like it when someone pulls a book out and asks about it , again if it were someone I didn't know then I might be looking strange at them for a second.

TheOldMole Nov 29 2008 08:26 AM

It depends on your relationship with the family member. If it's touchy, don't do it. Otherwise, I don't see it as rude.

G-Fafif Nov 29 2008 08:35 AM

On the last Thanksgiving my wife and I attended as part of extended quasi-family at my father's girlfriend's daughter's house (to give you an idea of how long ago it was, the day started with some harsh words regarding the just-completed trade of Rico Brogna), my wife was browsing the living room bookshelf. She found the very same book -- the same copy -- she had loaned my father's girlfriend some time earlier. The GF had given it to the daughter without any notification to or permission from my wife. My wife, as mellow and demure a person as you will ever meet, snorted in disgust, plucked it off the shelf and shoved it into her bag to take back. Typical of the extended quasi-family dynamics we have pulled ourselves out of over the years. But to the original question, it's nice to ask, though living room bookshelves strike me as fair game: for browsing, not pilfering (unless it was your book in the first place).

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 09:11 AM

Pilfering back your own pilfered possession is an allowable exception.

Edgy DC Nov 29 2008 12:21 PM

I dunno. Not like the recipient necesarily knew she had stolen booty.

TheOldMole Nov 29 2008 12:52 PM

As Lee Marvin says in The Wild One -- "I gleebed it -- but I gleebed it from a guy who gleebed it."

G-Fafif Nov 29 2008 01:20 PM

Edgy DC wrote: I dunno. Not like the recipient necesarily knew she had stolen booty. If we had been in a better mood, I am certain the missus would have pointed out the trail of the book to the temporary keeper of it and everybody would have had a good laugh, and of course you can keep it as long as you want. But moods were not good that [url=http://faithandfear.blogharbor.com/blog/_archives/2006/11/23/2520369.html]turning point of a Thanksgiving Day[/url]. Some years earlier, a person I knew because he used to work where I did -- but I had never worked with him -- was visiting said workplace. I had inherited his left-behind AP Style Book, as in it was left behind, I adopted it as my own. When he mentioned, "You know, I never found my..." I "confessed" I had it. "Gimme that," he said, and what was I gonna say? His name was in it.

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 02:10 PM

Edgy DC wrote: I dunno. Not like the recipient necesarily knew she had stolen booty. Yeah, but Mrs. FAFIF still had the right to get her book back. Under the circumstances, quietly putting it in her purse was preferable to telling her host that her mom had passed it along without permission.

metsmarathon Nov 29 2008 07:45 PM

is it worth pointing out the the (vast) majority of the contents of any given bookshelf would "belong to" the spouse of the visited sibling, and not to the visited sibling itself? in fact, all of the nosed-around in things would be the spouse's stuff...

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 07:51 PM

So your sister-in-law was snooping through your stuff?

metsmarathon Nov 29 2008 08:18 PM

my sister was snooping around the house, moreso in my wife's stuff than mine, 'cos hers is prolly more interesting - more photo albums and girl-friendly books, fewer spy thrillers and the like. mrs. marathon was aggravated after thanksgiving. my family constantly wanders about, poking around anything that's accessible. we bought the house just over two years ago, and we've still got box-room A and box-room B, tho they're both getting smaller, and the rest of the house is basically lived in. we've got two bookshelves in the living room, one mostly with photo albums, many of which predate me; the other bookself houses books. in the office, there's a small bookshelf attached to her desk. in it was a tiny 3"-square book of puzzles and brain teasers. also a mad-libs. somebody, prolly my older sister, found the puzzle book, which we've barely cracked open, even, and was looking through it. my older sister did find the mad libs, and asked if she could do one with her boyfriend. distractedly, confusedly, i said yes. i couldn't believe i had just fielded the question. she's 32. in the past, amid tours of the house, they (my sister, and also my mother) lean in for closer looks at whatsoever might top dressers and desks and nightstands. as we cook, we're certain they wander throughout the house, poking around for a look-see. i'm positive the medicine cabinet is breached every time they visit, and had considered setting a minor booby trap for them. i think that the aggravation is sourced partly by the fact that mrs marathon likes to take good care of her books, and especially her photos, whereas my family has a habit of manhandling book and photo alike - placing heavy thumbs directly in the middle of precious pictures to flip to the next. i think too, that the other breaches of privacy and etiquette make the minor offense of failing to seek permission before browsing the living room bookshelf all the more annoying.

themetfairy Nov 29 2008 08:23 PM

Yup - there's definitely a cumulative effect to that kind of stuff. I love the booby trap idea - go for it next time (and let us know how it works out).

Edgy DC Nov 29 2008 09:54 PM

My brother's apartment in New York was used as a set for a TV episode. My sister called him the next day after the broadcast from California to tell him which books on his shelves she was claiming as hers.