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25 Things About Me

Edgy DC Feb 02 2009 12:12 PM

by Derek Jeter 1) There are pearls embedded in my poop! When I was a kid, I thought everybody had them. But then I went to sleepaway camp at nine and I left a floater, and somebody said, "Hey Derek, what's that in your poop?"

MFS62 Feb 02 2009 12:16 PM

2) I made Mariah Carey reach a higher octave. Later

A Boy Named Seo Feb 02 2009 12:17 PM

3) I was born with this fade. It never grows and I never have to cut it.

G-Fafif Feb 02 2009 12:20 PM

4. The tailpipe on my Ford Explorer is beginning to look good to me.

metirish Feb 02 2009 12:33 PM

5) I'm good for giving out STD's

John Cougar Lunchbucket Feb 02 2009 12:37 PM

6) The other night when I went out to eat I dove across the salad bar into my seat before the hostess could even pull out my chair.

Vince Coleman Firecracker Feb 02 2009 12:39 PM

7.) My calming eyes can coax kittens out of trees, bring sunshine from a cloud-filled sky and distract people from my unbelievably heinous defense.

Fman99 Feb 02 2009 12:42 PM

8) When I pass gas, my sphincter sounds like an orchestral triangle being struck. It's hauntingly beautiful, I'm told.

John Cougar Lunchbucket Feb 02 2009 12:48 PM

9) I'm so fucking bland

G-Fafif Feb 02 2009 12:56 PM

10. I call A-Rod A-Fraud. I came up with that.

metirish Feb 02 2009 12:58 PM

11) I stole that sign fuckers , gansta bitch.

A Boy Named Seo Feb 02 2009 12:59 PM

12) I paid Giambi 30 bucks for that thong and I'm wearing it right now.

Frayed Knot Feb 02 2009 01:01 PM

13) That dive in the stands catch? ... only did it because I landed in some lady's tits. That I also caught the ball was a secondary consideration.

Centerfield Feb 02 2009 01:02 PM

14) My favorite band is Hootie.

bmfc1 Feb 02 2009 01:03 PM

15) I nailed Jessica, Jessica and Scarlett. That's better than Marilyn, right Joe?

Benjamin Grimm Feb 02 2009 01:05 PM

16) I'm buying a house with Sam Champion.

A Boy Named Seo Feb 02 2009 01:08 PM

17) You know how they say black guys have huge ones? Well I'm half white.

metsguyinmichigan Feb 02 2009 01:41 PM

18) I have the range of a slug in a salt mine, but Joe Morgan will still praise every routine play I make.

soupcan Feb 02 2009 01:42 PM

19) When I was 3 years old I got my head caught in an industrial pencil sharpener. That's why its shaped like that.

Kong76 Feb 02 2009 01:51 PM

20) I have a 50 foot restraining order against internet personality, SteveJRogers, in 17 cities.

Edgy DC Feb 02 2009 02:12 PM

When I'm done, they're going to retire my number. And no, I don't mean the Yankees. The digit two will in fact be retired from all counting systems.

Ashie62 Feb 02 2009 03:53 PM

21) I stole Mickey Mantle's liver and ate it with Fava beans and a nice Chianti

G-Fafif Feb 03 2009 08:37 AM

22) I like to think of myself as the David Wright of the Yankees.

A Boy Named Seo Feb 03 2009 10:07 AM

23) I strongly opposed Prop 8.

seawolf17 Feb 03 2009 10:35 AM

24) I do, in fact, look like the Rock had sex with a Muppet.

batmagadanleadoff Feb 03 2009 10:51 AM

25) I could fuck Madonna. If I wanted to. I just don't want to.

batmagadanleadoff Feb 03 2009 11:01 AM

26) C-Rod says I'm better.

MFS62 Feb 04 2009 08:51 AM

="batmagadanleadoff":3ci4j7sp]26) C-Rod says I'm better.[/quote:3ci4j7sp] No fair. The thread title says 25. Replay Ref, we need a ruling on this. Later Centerfield Feb 04 2009 09:09 AM For some reason, Derek Jeter seems to be having trouble coming up with number 27. John Cougar Lunchbucket Feb 04 2009 09:10 AM Holy shit. metsguyinmichigan Feb 04 2009 09:34 AM ="Centerfield":36uphpr0]For some reason, Derek Jeter seems to be having trouble coming up with number 27.[/quote:36uphpr0] Bullet of cool! batmagadanleadoff Feb 04 2009 09:46 AM Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Feb 04 2009 10:23 AM ="MFS62":1vreyywl] ="batmagadanleadoff":1vreyywl]26) C-Rod says I'm better.[/quote:1vreyywl] No fair. The thread title says 25. Replay Ref, we need a ruling on this. Later[/quote:1vreyywl] Hi. I'm Derek Jeter. Did you really think I'd be able to limit myself to just 25 things? 28) This morning, I was cleaning the inside of my belly button and I found two million dollars in there. I can't wait to get into my asshole. 29) I will personally bail out Citigroup if the new stadium is named Jeter Field. It's only lunch money to me. batmagadanleadoff Feb 04 2009 09:50 AM 30) I like to drive Mets fans crazy. One way I accomplish this is by secretly posting on the Crane Pool Forum under the alias of SteveJRogers. Edgy DC Feb 04 2009 10:23 AM OK move on to Hank Steinbrenner's essay. 1) I tried to rock the turtleneck and blue blazer look like though old man. I really did. Some things just can't be imitated though. batmagadanleadoff Feb 04 2009 10:36 AM 2) I could fuck Kathy Bates. If I wanted to. I just don't want to. John Cougar Lunchbucket Feb 04 2009 11:03 AM 3) I was considered less qualified to run the Yankees than my alcoholic ex-brother-in-law by my own father, but don't be alarmed. He's an asshole ttoo! Edgy DC Feb 04 2009 11:05 AM ="Centerfield":3qzzr4t4]For some reason, Derek Jeter seems to be having trouble coming up with number 27.[/quote:3qzzr4t4] I think maybe I'll suddenly get this in the shower tomorrow morning. metirish Feb 04 2009 11:14 AM 4) Like Barney I fucked Selma Edgy DC Feb 05 2009 09:09 AM 5) I have standing fucking order with the fucking Doobie Brothers. They go back out on the road, they call me and let me know. Met Hunter Feb 05 2009 03:51 PM 6) I have no idea what I'm doing. But my name is Steinbrenner, so the Yankee fans will worship me no matter what I do. I'll probably have to beat the fans off with a stick, because anything Yankees is so damn important and valuable. Burp. 7) I think we need to trade ARod. Not because of Torre's book. Derek says his ass is killing him. Edgy DC Feb 06 2009 10:04 AM 8) I voted for Squinty. Centerfield Feb 06 2009 10:05 AM Did you get the 27 joke yet? Edgy DC Feb 06 2009 10:07 AM Whoosh. Fman99 Feb 06 2009 10:07 AM 9) My all time favorite movie is Tommy Boy. Centerfield Feb 06 2009 10:22 AM 26 World Championships. 27 has been elusive. Edgy DC Feb 06 2009 10:29 AM I am the dullest of Met fans. Centerfield Feb 06 2009 10:31 AM Um. You're smarter than soupcan. Maybe. John Cougar Lunchbucket Feb 06 2009 10:31 AM You mispelled dumbest. A Boy Named Seo Feb 06 2009 10:33 AM ="Fman99"]9) My all time favorite movie is Tommy Boy. Funny because it's probably true. Frayed Knot Feb 06 2009 10:42 AM 10) I honestly believe that installing a standard where future managers will be barred in perpetuity from speaking derisively of the club or any of its employees is totally consistent with an organization run by my father for 35 years. soupcan Feb 06 2009 10:46 AM ="Centerfield"]Um. You're smarter than soupcan. Maybe. What the fuck? At least I got your stupid joke. Centerfield Feb 06 2009 11:15 AM I harbor resentment from when you made me take down my ice rink. I was just trying to be a good dad is all. soupcan Feb 06 2009 11:48 AM Eat me. G-Fafif Feb 06 2009 12:17 PM 11. I think The Joba Rules ruined Return of the Jedi. metirish Feb 06 2009 12:22 PM Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Feb 06 2009 04:49 PM 12 ) I jog like I do because of the biles between my ass cheeks. Doh , I forgot that this was about Hank and not Jetes.... Edgy DC Feb 06 2009 01:03 PM 13) The pope was going to celebrate a mass at at some other stadium. I asked him if he wanted to be remembered as a Yankee or Toledo Mud Hen. Centerfield Feb 06 2009 01:05 PM Fantastic. Kong76 Feb 06 2009 04:45 PM Is Cashbag gonna bring me another Heiny or am I gonna have to go over there and crack some heads? *belch* Edgy DC Mar 03 2009 07:31 AM 14) I used to go the stadium in the eighties and my dad would send me down to the locker room to abuse Henry Cotto. I would mess with his stuff and a call him stuff and he couldn't do anything. He knew where his bread was buttered. That's where I learned.