May 14 2009 01:40 PM
Edited 10 time(s), most recently on May 14 2009 08:32 PM
Ah, back to the Bay. It’s a rare trip—but once a year these days, thanks to the unbalanced schedule and interleague—but a lovely one, nonetheless; if you happen to be in the neighborhood, you’d be best served to relish the town's bounties while you can. Drink in the brackish tang of the Presidio air, relish the sharp, malty goodness of a cold Anchor Steam while you count gulls winging their way through a pleasant breeze, stuff your greedy gullet with Gilroy garlic fries… and you’ll probably want to do this in the home half of every inning, since there won’t be much going on then.
If you had a friend-- let's call him "Srian Babean"-- who was a moderately-engaged baseball fan and fantasy-baseball dabbler, and he went into a coma in 2003 or 2004, and he emerged from said coma in 2009, and you immediately made him a GM and forced him to put together a baseball team from scratch... he would put together something like the team Bruce Bochy wheels out onto the AT&T Park turf between naptime and good-night fruit cup. Just like last year, and the half-decade before that, they’re still possessed of much veteran experience, and more than a few guys you may have thought were out of the game—call them the “Holy Sh*t! I Thought You Were Dead!” All-Stars. They’re still feeling the Barryload of lost time, money and personality resulting from attempts at win-now teams 4 or 5 years ago (an object lesson in what results when your main player-evaluation criterion is how little the player minds walking around a gigantic leather recliner and 50 away-facing reporters).
Unlike years past, however, they’ve got some developed nasty power pitching. Little Timmy got past his awkward phase last year, of course, and has settled back into cruise mode after a bumpy start (five straight quality starts, including two with double-digit strikeouts) and Matt Cain has started to put together a full, #1-starter-quality first month (151 ERA+). The Big Unit's joined the party and has been occasionally, while Jonathan Sanchez continues to brim with talent (and baserunners). Hell, even the Twittering [url=http://twitter.com/BarryZito]$126 million-dollar man[/url](whom we won’t see this go-round) has been sharp, bringing the pain to the tune of a 117 ERA+ and three starts with 1 or fewer ER allowed.
They have spirit, taking a couple from the Dodgers in Chavez Ravine after getting swept at home the previous week. They have some home pride, with a superlative 12-5 record down by Mission Bay. Even in reserve, they have more arms than a mutant Adnan Khashoggi, with Noah Lowry rehabbing and two top prospects-- lanky power lefty Madison Bumgartner and 6’7” curveball artist Tim Alderson-- in double-A. The bullpen-- with tattooed Brian Wilson closing and Justin Miller, Merkin (!) Valdez and new addition Jeremy Affeldt setting up-- has been better (3 BS so far, as opposed to 5 at the same juncture last year). At 18-15, this team is poised to take advantage of the Mannyless Times like no other team in its division.
If only they weren't so bad at scoring/not making outs. Seven of their regulars have sub-.800 OPS… and a sub-100 OPS+. They’re third-to-last in the league in runs. They’re second-to-last in getting on-base and in slugging, and are dead last in home runs. Beyond those troubling numbers, in a series of laboratory tests conducted in secret during the last month, the Giants, to a man, have:
1) failed—even when supplied with large, wide whacking implements—to hit the broader side of a Sausalito stable.
2) been mysteriously unable to touch water when falling out of a large dinghy positioned directly over McCovey Cove.
3) swung and missed repeatedly at both Meredith Baxter Birney and Nancy McKeon in successive Lifetime movies.
The good news? They’re averaging exactly 4 runs a game, over last year’s 3.95. So hooray for progress!
From tonight through Sunday, the Titanic deck chairs will likely be arranged something like so:
RF-- Fred Lewis (.286 BA/.390 OBP/.362 SLG, 124 PAs). He rules the Kingdom of the Blind—he’s the only guy on the team getting on base at above-league-average rates. Also, he’s presumably speedy. Sorta. (2 SB, 2 CS in 2009.)
-- Backed up by: Nate Schierholtz. OPS+ of 50-- this makes him one of the Giants' better bench options.
SS-- Edgar Renteria (.259/.341/.362, 133 PAs). 2 runs and a steal on Tuesday? 4 RBI over the last 3 games? He may be old, but ol’ Egger has still got it! (And by “it,” I mean “the ability to flail at pitches to the tune of a sub-.700 OPS and handle batted balls less securely than a twitchy prostitute.)
--Backed up by: Juan Uribe. A better hitter than his late cousin, though it's not as big a runaway as you might think.
3B-- Pablo Sandoval (.289/.336/.447, 131). Spray hitter with some pop. Built like a panda. Looks a good amount like Bengie Molina, only fatter. Ironically, hits like a thinner Molina might—gets on a little more (and when I say a little more, I mean that he’s walked more than once), slugs a little less violently. Not nearly as bad defensively as an armless man would be. Has tripled twice this year (!). Swings at virtually anything you throw him. Weirdly fascinating.
Quien es el receptor?
C-- Bengie Molina. (.286/.290/.555, 124). .845 OPS, 8 HRs—Big Yay! One walk this season—Not so Yay! Is fatter than he looks these days (see “Pablo Sandoval”).
-- Backed up by Sandoval (but only when Zito pitches) and Steve Holm (Steve Holm!)
RF--Randy Winn (.261/.336/.391, 140). Solid hitter and defender, has some wheels left (with 25 steals last year). Consistent, durable, boring as holy hell.
CF--Aaron Rowand (.233/.316/.369, 117). With a career-high walk rate and still-decent speed (bat and leg), Rowand has still managed perfectly terrible numbers that mirror the team’s stats. Congratulations, Mr. BrokenFace—you’re this year’s most typical Giant!
1B-- Travis Ishikawa (.241/.307/.304, 88). Good glove, but Good G-d—why is this man starting?
-- Backed up by: Rich Aurilia. The reason Ishikawa's starting. Actually averaging a negative OPS+. Quite literally, about as effective at the plate as a bat propped up on a stool.
2B-- Emmanuel Burriss (.263/.339/.287, 128). Feels a lot better about himself when Ishikawa's in the lineup. Tied for fifth in the league in steals (9). Second in the league in double-consonants-per-name, behind Nationals rookie Jjordann Zimmermmannnnnn.
-- Backed up by: Eugenio Velez: .174/.182/.356. Ick.
Your hurlers:
THURSDAY
John Maine: 3-2, 4.54 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 1.25 K/BB, .195 BAA
Vs.
Jonathan Sanchez: 1-3, 4.78 ERA, 1.63 WHIP, 1.23 K/BB, .210 BAA
Stuffmeister Sanchez wields a nasty, sinking heater and strong changeup, as well as a power curve, proper sinker, slider, slurve, 7-seamer, eephus, whizbanger, tomfooler, pull-the-lever-drop-the-drawers number and what musicologists refer to as “perfect pitch.” That he’s wielded these to a 5.15 career ERA and allowed one-and-a-half baserunners an inning along the way suggests he some work to do yet in determining the proper mixture of said stuff for optimum effectiveness.
He does own a 2-1/3.55/1.18 lifetime record versus your favorites, including a gem last June 2 at home(7 IP, 6 hits, 2 runs, 8 Ks).
FRIDAY
Livan Hernandez: 3-1, 5.08 ERA, 1.51 WHIP, 1.58 K/BB, .305 BAA
Vs.
Tim Lincecum: 3-1, 3.25 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 4.46 K/BB, .240 BAA
I read somewhere that Tim Lincecum’s father used to place dollar bills on the ground, to make sure that young Timmy followed through properly on his unusual motion. I also recall hearing a radio interview that mentioned his use of a complex system of 216 large rubber bands to ensure that Tim developed a strong core and good torque on his windup. I remember reading on a Bazooka wrapper that Pops Lincecum used to make Timmy undergo a bizarre weekly process involving cereal enemas to help make his delivery more deceptive, and that he would require the nine-year-old to slap his mother repeatedly, in order to build a strikeout-maestro’s cruelty.
But yeah, he’s crazy good, even if he’s less likable than his creepy digital twin:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rf02Sq2WZlM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Rf02Sq2WZlM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
A ray of hope: last time around, we DID beat this guy—4 runs, 9 hits in 6 IP, with 2 HRs from the Carloses.
SATURDAY
Johan Santana: 4-2, 0.78 ERA, 0.96 WHIP, 4.62 K/BB, .185 BAA
Vs.
Randy Johnson: 3-3, 5.89 ERA, 1.42 WHIP, 2.44 K/BB, .267 BAA
When Scott Boras compared Oliver Perez’ potential to le Unit Grande this offseason, he probably didn’t mean that the future HOFer would be dicking around Ollie’s schizophrenic neighborhood any time soon. But that's exactly what's happened-- in his 7 turns out of the gate, he has turned in two 7-inning scoreless games, two performances where he hasn't gotten out of the 4th, and a 0-strikeout-in-5-plus-innings jobber. He has, however, been GREAT at home (3.00 ERA/0.83 WHIP, 32 Ks, 3 BB).
RJ’s an iffy 6-6 (3.79 ERA/1.26 WHIP) against the Mets lifetime. Wright (.375/.444/.500 in 18 PAs) and Reyes (.450/.476/.500 in 21 PAs) have traditionally drunk Johnson's tall, hairy milkshake. (Castillo-- .595 OPS in 38 PAs-- has not.)
SUNDAY
Mike Pelfrey: 4-0, 5.46 ERA, 1.71 WHIP, 0.43 K/BB, .306 BAA
Vs.
Matt Cain: 3-1, 3.00 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 1.60 K/BB, .253 BAA
Cain finished with a 7-16 record in 2008 despite a 3.65 ERA (3.85 FIP) and decent peripheral stats to boot. Though his teammates apparently hate him less this year, he’s got to be almost as popular in the Mets’ clubhouse, owing to his generous nature with hitters wearing blue and orange (2-3, 5.23 ERA/1.42 WHIP in 5 career starts). Last time out against the Mets-- June 4th during the West Coast trip-- he gave up 5 hits and 4 walks en route to an early exit.
Ex-Mets who now wallow in Giantude: None, although Fred Lewis is Matt Lawton's cousin, so between that and the Bay-Area residence, he's probably the guy in this lineup to talk to if you need a bit more oomph in your workouts.
Former Gigantes among us: Livan (and he beat us in the 2000 DS). But then, who the Havana hasn't he played for?
Prediction: Mets win Thursday, lose the middle two-- as Johan strikes out 15 and seals the San Andreas fault with his bare hands on Saturday-- and whip Cain for the equalizer on the Christian Sabbath.
