Jun 26 2009 09:11 AM
OK, we all know that every Mets opponent is the "enemy," in one sense of the word. And from a standings perspective, the Phillies and Marlins and Braves are the other teams whose losses help the Mets most.
But let's be honest here. We're all friends, in a sense. We can talk to each other. We're a Mets family, as I explained to Fboy yesterday, and we should all have a commonality here in this instance.
The MotherFuckingYankees are the MotherFuckingEnemy. The MFYs are the MFEs. In my head I say it the way Alan Rickman said "muthafucka" in his German accent as Hans Gruber in "Die Hard," trying to copy Bruce Willis' intonation. Like this, "mah-tha-fah-gah."
The MFYs are the MFEs. If you're arguing that point, then I can't really help you. Even the Steve J Lazzeri's (no offense, Steve, my FB buddy and all) of the world, the two-hat-wearing, "I root for both teams but the Mets are my favorite team," the wafflers, the fence sitters, they are also beyond my help.
So let's get to know the MFEs.
Catcher: You know him, looks like that turtle, has a contract that makes Luis Castillo look like a dollar store castoff, older than fire. His stat line: .272, 9 HRs, 29 RBIs, SLG .510, OPS .869. Having a resurgent year at the dish thanks to the bandbox in the Bronx, which apparently is the same size as the kids tee ball field behind right center at Citi Field (the place where Fboy hit three frozen ropes yesterday I might add).
First base: You know him, big goofy head. Signed a GDP sized deal, has a wife who made him sign it instead of going home to Baltimore. She may be a bit on the cunty side. Started off like dog shit in April, as his career numbers usually do, but killing the ball since. .286, 20, 57, .595, .983.
Second base: You know him, named after a Rotunda I believe. Bounce back season for him after last year where he never found his stroke. Currently at .301/12/42/.488/.823.
Shortsop: You know him, he's the mah-tha-fah-gin Captain! Or the Craptain. Touted by broadcasters and print journalists as the greatest thing to hit baseball since, I don't know, the liveball era? Since Mickey Mantle's liver was life-sized? Since Dimaggio doinked Marilyn? Since Lou Gehrig was crapping his uniform pants? I can't decide. His power numbers are up from last year, big shocker there, but his range in the field is poor and he's hit into 53 double plays since the start of 2007. Which leads MLB. .308/9/30/.451/.828.
Third base: You know him. He's Tennille to the Craptain. Puts up pinball numbers and has since he was a teenager in Seattle. Missed some time in 2009 with an injury, confirmed doper, currently dorking Kate Hudson. And yes, for those wondering, I would do EVERYTHING to her. Tennille took some time off this week for fatigue (translate: David Ortiz stole his HGH and he's bumming), hitting for power when it matters least and floundering with guys on base. Good times! .223/10/34/.466/.845. Currently tied with historical MFE a-hole and bad airline guest Reggie Jackson on the all time HR list.
Left field: You know him. Once a Red Sock, once an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.
Now another aging OF held up by playing in a Pop Warner sized stadium. Currently at .293/14/45/.534/.904. Probably the biggest beneficiary of the new stadium numbers-wise.
Center field: You know them. Or maybe not, I will actually name these dorks. Gardner and Melky blahtoon. I have nothing clever to say about them. Gardner at .281/2/11/28 runs/16 SBs, and Melky at .286/7/28/.447/.793.
Right field. You know of him. Nick Swisher, cast off White Sock, putting up Kingman-esque numbers when playing. .238/13/38/.493/.863.
DH: You know him. Ugly Asian fellow. No, not THIS GUY. 
Can't field, got no knees. Probably will only see action as a pinch hitter this weekend. So his numbers are not relevant to me. I call it now, Feliciano strikes Lo-Pan out as a PH at least twice before Monday.
Bullpen:
Closer: You know him. Don't get in his pool, you'll die. He's older than Jorge's corns and he throws one pitch. That one pitch, in my mind, is a bloop single by Luis Gonzalez, endlessly falling into short center field. 1-2 record, 3.07 ERA, 17 saves, 1 blown. Same number blown as the Captain, HIYO! (RIP Ed McMahon.) 499 career saves, so get ready for the soft rain on this a-hole this weekend. Hopefully we can not have to listen to that monkey shit.
Other relievers: You don't know them. They get changed out faster than hotel towels in Vegas. They all suck Putz.
Pitching matchups:
Friday: Pelfrey vs. MFE starter #1.
You know him. Large, dark skinned fella. Looks like that guy in White Castle, eating by himself, talking to his little empire of tiny hamburgers. I assume his gas smells like burnt onions mixed with train smoke. Another guy who started the year off like hell but has recently gotten better. Currently at 6-4, 3.71, WHIP of 1.14, 70 K in 102 IPs. Left his last start against the Marlins in the 2nd inning due to bicep tightness but has said he's OK to go tonight. Hard to imagine any part of this tubby fuck's body being described as "tight" but there you have it.
Sat Redding vs. MFE starter #2.
You know him. Pitched for the Marlins and Blue Jays before signing a ridiculous $82 million deal this past winter. Or, as the MFEs call it, a "regular" sized contract. Sucking most wind so far in 2009 as "the new guy." I assume the other MFYs call him "Gay Jay." 5-4, 4.24, 1.44, 82 K in 81 IP. Coming off a 5 day suspension for throwing at a guy's head against Texas, which made Bob Gibson roll over in his grave.
Sun Livan vs. MFE starter #3.
You know him. Has a very, uh, phallic name. Not his fault, he's Asian! The Donger has some grotesque numbers in 2009 and was even sent to the You Suck List, er, I mean, the Disabled List due to overall shittiness. He's the Korean Ollie! 0-6, 11.20 ERA (not a typo), 2.27 WHIP. Coming off his best start of the year which is a putrid five inning, three run performance. Pulled after 62 pitches.
His presence on the roster does lead to this little bit of goodness. Buy this shirt -- I personally think every MFE MFY fan should have to wear one at all times to identify them as what they really are. 
That's right, they are penises! Fman went there, girlfriend.
Which brings me to my final point. The last of the MFEs are the MFY fans. You know them. The thugs. Galloots, if you will. Guys who say "Dude" a lot and eat pennies and have Pete Rose's haircut. If you go to Citi Field this weekend the chances are good you might sit near one. In which case you'll want to get a tetanus shot when you leave. They are the enemy we all already know. If you see one, remember to tell them that their new stadium sullies the legacy of everything that happened in their previous TWO parks and invalidates all of Ruth and Gehrig and Mantle and Dimag's numbers. Ha! Say hi to those Wang fans this weekend for the Fman, please.
Prediction: You know it. I think the good guys take all 3 games and then for some reason, the MFEs all end up in a big man pile in left center field, a la the South Park episode "Goobacks," where the rednecks decide that they should form a big gay pile of gayness in order to prevent the future from happening.