Jul 31 2009 12:18 PM
Edited 16 time(s), most recently on Jul 31 2009 05:02 PM
If a team dies slowly, writhing, in one of the country's least-covered press markets, with a fanbase that's a little less fullthroated than most (no higher than 11th in the league in attendance since 2005, a mere handful of fansites, and less road presence than a rusty Vespa)... does anyone actually notice? Do Arizonans just treat Chase Field, with its whirlpools and multitiered Friday's, like a mall with an inordinate amount of green space? Does the 'fanbase' ignore the team until it's time for everyone to whip out their brand-new Larry Fitzgerald jerseys and pretend to be pro football fans again? Or does everyone sit around talking Wildcat basketball with their spirit animals while counting down until Midnight Madness?
With Cy-bernetic sinkerballer Brandon Webb felled early on, Arizona's had buzzards circling around for so long this season, you'd think someone had stashed a few cowboy corpses in Chad Qualls' luggage when the team broke camp. (The Padres, maybe? Or another rival? Do they have rivals?) Maybe the most frustrating thing for Phoenix-area die-hards, however, isn't that nobody cares. These not-so-long-ago champions of the world and current champions of clubhouse air conditioning usage-- it's not the heat, it's the futility!-- have been floating just above San Diegan-level suckage for the better part of the season, despite, well, not actually being that terrible, all things considered.
Perhaps they're paying a karmic toll for Pythagorean-record-fucking their brains out two years ago. 2007 was a bit of a magical run... and a lucky one. Products of the system like Conor Jackson and Chris Young flourished, a couple of youngish vets-- Byrnes and Hudson-- led, Jose Valverde broke through as the closer (2.66 ERA, league-leading 47 saves), and Webb pitched his sinkery heart out... all en route to a 90-72 record. They made the LCS; they also outperformed their run-differential-- and more or less every other statistical indicator, in which they were middling-- to the tune of a league-record 11 games. Since then, they've been... well... a bit snakebit.
In December of that year, then-CEO/ex-superagent Jeff Moorad traded talented disappointment Carlos Quentin... only to watch him blossom into an MVP candidate in Chicago. That winter, they also handed out extensions like a Bushwick hairdresser, giving great-at-the-time multiyear deals to past-his-expiration-date Byrnes, since-banged-up Chris Snyder and Young. In a very winnable West, the team sagged in 2008, despite significant pitching upgrades, a breakout from Stephen Drew, and [url=http://photos.upi.com/topics-ARIZONA-DIAMONDBACKS-VS-COLORADO-ROCKIES/cc16819785b7f4f4a80278f4baad7618/L.jpg]losing 240 pounds[/url]. Oh, yeah, then GM-Jerry-Maguire ditched 'em, for an ownership share in San Diego. (Grrr, Padres!)
This year, they've cratered; they're skidding along at a full 5 games below their Pyth-predicted record (the 2nd worst differential in the NL, behind Washington). And that's despite teen-grease-farmer-level breakouts from young Justin Upton and Mark Reynolds, and ascension to Godhood by not-quite-as-young Daniel Haren. Newly anointed closer Qualls has been okay, but otherwise, their bullpen's been toxic, having vomited up 14 save opps (out of 35) so far-- some [url=http://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/ARI/ARI200907090.shtml]in spectacular fashion[/url]. The rotation-- especially yappy Jon Garland (see below)-- has been understandably frustrated; thanks to the aforementioned pen and streaky O, they've got 0 "cheap wins" (wins in non-"quality starts") and 16 "tough losses" (losses in QSes, good for 2nd in the majors), as per B-R.com. Their disabled list hasn't been overfull, but it has had the feel of the accursed. Webb's been out with a shoulder problem literally since day one, and the diagnosis/rehab/second opinion cycle he's been on throughout the year has been a particularly Beltranian brand of agony... Byrnes broke a hand after statistically shitting in it through most of the year... and first baseman/leftfielder Jackson's had a nasty case of [url=http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/valley-fever/DS00695]Valley Fever[/url] and viral pneumonia, for Chrissakes. I'm mildly surprised that someone hasn't slit their wrists with a maple bat shard.
Anyway, it's been spooky, and sad; chopping the heads off these sad bastards in one fell, tripartate swoop would be the humane thing to do.
The offensive species of Arizona garter line up something like this:
SS—Stephen Drew (.278/.344/.464, 347). J.D.’s younger sib looking like he might end up blowing him out of the water, relevance-wise. After a slow start and two early DL stints, looking good in year 3 (OPS+ of 107). Somewhere between Tulowitzki and Hardy on the relatively-anonymous-good-shortstops-out-west-somewheres skill continuum.
2B—Augie Ojeda (.220/.314/.299, 194)/Ryan Roberts (.264/.356/.380, 150). Since Felipe Lopez was dealt to the Brewers, A.J. Hinch has had quite the starting-option menu here. Would you like a utility dude with no bat, very little glove and a little speed starting at 2nd? Or would you like a utility dude with no bat, very little glove and a little speed who’s significantly closer to cashing Social Security checks?
RF—Justin Upton (.301/.374/.546, 412). The way, the light, the truth. Even after a prolonged cooldown, still .296/.370/.536 on the season, with 18 HRs and 14 SBs. Reynolds may be the most likely guy to tag one deep in CitiField, but Upton’s still the one who’s most likely to hit one that’ll make you question the laws of physick.
"I am a Golden God! And I need help with the lights!"
3B—Mark Reynolds (.275/.362/.560, 428). Before this year, the evolutionary Bad Dave Kingman, he's improved his batting eye and is enjoying a hell of a year. Shitty on defense (-3.4 UZR this year, never above 0 in any season at third). Swings very hard. Strikes out a lot. Also hits home runs. Lots of them (28, on pace for 41). Occasionally, Dunnlike, Konglike ones.
C—Miguel Montero (.285/.350/.468, 262 PAs)— Decent defensive catcher, streaky with the stick. Spicy like an ancho lately (.364/.391/.727 with 4 HRs over the last two weeks), but still can’t hit lefties. Chris Snyder’s just back from the DL, so we could see him instead against Perez and/or our Monday starter.
--Backup: Snyder, of the decent power and iffy health.
CF—Chris Young (.200/.287/.363, 336). Strikes out a lot, walks a little, runs a little, occasionally slugs a bunch and in bunches, but ultimately hits like poop and kinda fields like it, too (-3.4 UZR/150 games). Toolsy, and short enough in the tooth to turn things around; right now, though, if Ryan Thompson and Willie Montanez somehow reached through temporal and gender barriers to have a baby, it would look statistically like Chris Young.
"Hey, what's got two gorgeous index fingers and leads the league in Golden Sombreros?"
LF—Gerardo Parra (.272/.314/.420, 278). Meh. Slowish, passable young backup, exposed a bit via playing time. He’s their Cora (unless Ojeda is, or Tracy is...). He's also more of a hitter than their first baseman.
1B—Chad Tracy—(.228/.285/.395, 186). On the good side of average a few years ago, now he's like a nightmare vision of future Daniel Murphy (.680 OPS, 73 OPS+ on the season). Whiter than a bleached cow skull.
Hi. I'm your Mystery Date?
-- Backup: Josh Whitesell. Smacked the ball around in AAA (.967 in a year-and-a-half), done nothing in limited trips to the Show. When he comes up to bat, his parents check the program to see who this guy is.
Pitching? The rotational gods have been cruel-- sadly, we wrap up against Haren, and miss a chance to spank Petit. The hurling matchups:
FRIDAY, 7/31: Doug Davis—(5-10, 3.76 ERA, 1.49 WHIP, 1.61 K/BB, .267 BAA) vs.
Livan Hernandez (7-5, 4.87 ERA, 1.53 WHIP, 1.54 K/BB, .305 BAA)
The lefty's 2-1 with a 5.14 ERA in 6 career starts against NYM. A bit of a high-wire act-- lotta baserunners/lotta strikeouts. Starving for run support-- he gets 2.8 runs/9 innings (66th out of 72 qualifying starters).
SATURDAY, 8/1: Max Scherzer (6-6, 3.61 ERA, 1.33 WHIP, 2.78 K/BB, .248 BAA) vs.
Oliver Perez (2-3, 7.42 ERA, 2.02 WHIP, 0.88 K/BB, .279 BAA)
The Mets caught him for 2 scoreless innings last year. More experience might have been of some use, as the kid seems to be rounding into form as the season wears on (3.38 ERA/1.12 WHIP, with a dropping walk rate, in the last month, with 6 QS in his last 8). The best way to beat him is to make him throw a bunch of pitches; work some walks and he either gets distracted, or he gets pulled.
SUNDAY, 8/2: Jon Garland (5-10, 4.42 ERA, 1.45 WHIP, 1.27 K/BB, .282 BAA) vs.
Mike Pelfrey (8-6, 4.72 ERA, 1.50 WHIP, 1.45 K/BB, .287 BAA)
After pitching most of the first half like a ret*rded Don Draper (he's picked it up some since), this first-year D-bag recently bitched out teammates to the press (“To me, they went out there and they're playing like a last-place team... I don't see any fight, I don't see anybody that wants it."). Not nearly good enough to back that up, and any Flushing folk who strike out against the soft tosser should get atomic Bob Melvins. Still might have been a better choise, FA-wise, than Ollie. 1 career start against the Mets, letting up 2 runs in a no-decision.
MONDAY, 8/3: Dan Haren (10-6, 2.19 ERA, 0.86 WHIP, 6.64 K/BB, .194 BAA) vs. 
Um, in case you can't read numbers... he good. Frankly, he should give you the day terrors. Whoever's behind the mask-- Redding? A Livan clone? Bernazard?-- is gonna have to bring the tools, Abdullah-the-Butcher style, just to keep up.
METS WHO USED TO SPEAK PARSEL-TONGUE:
Livan. Of course. (Signing Livan was like marrying the town whore/gigolo-- we're constantly meeting his exes.)
SIDEWINDING BASTARDS WHO ONCE WERE KINGS
Scho. It's been a difficult year.([url=http://www.azcentral.com/sports/diamondbacks/articles/2009/07/18/20090718deathsuit0718-CP.html]R.I.P. Gabrielle Dawn Schoeneweis.[/url])