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Arizona? Again?
So, remember that constrictor job these a-holes did at CitiField last week? 3 suffocating wins-- all of them Met-winnable-- out of a long, looooong four-day weekend? Mark Reynolds wearing out the measuring tape guy's measuring tape? Miguel Montero whipping more stick than a mustang porn star? Chad Qualls Quallsing his Chads all over?
Yeah, these same guys just got swept at Washington. I mean, I know bad teams beat other bad teams all the time, but Washington has been verging on historically bad, using Jorge Sosa (!) to close games and just traded away its second-most productive offensive player (Nick Johnson). Besides that, Washington's hotel rooms are known for being superlatively comfortable-- so much so that the Nationals' guests have beaten them 33 out of 59 tries. ("Come for the wins, stay for the continental breakfast... and more wins!") But they got handled. Handily.
So, what does this mean? Probably that the Flushing Nine are fighting their weight this week, so these should be a good three games, or at least close and dull. Also, that the Mets were nearly swept at home by a team that can't beat the Nats. (ALSO, that the Nats held serve better than our Queens can.)
But that's stinkin' thinkin'-- let's accentuate the positive. What's good?
GOOD NEWS: First, [url=http://cranepoolforum.net/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=12188]here's the primer[/url] on these guys. (What a delightful young writing voice!) They're about the same, but a week older, and possibly more decrepit! Time IS on our side!
GOOD NEWS: Justin Upton's out with an oblique strain; apart from the occasional pool sighting, we shouldn't see him anywhere near Chase Field. This means that Arizona's starting three credible MLB starters, and 4-5 others who would make better Tuscon Sidewinders, or El Paso Brown Toilet Snakes or whatever other cutesy reptilian team-names they've got in their minor-league system! (Never mind that a handful of those "minor-leaguers" hit CitiField home runs last week! It's within the realm of possibility that they'll show their true colors!)
GOOD NEWS: Despite hitting HRs in four straight games (and 11 in 56 at-bats), robot/human Mark Reynolds may be due for a slowdown, as he is not QUITE as good in southern climes! He's only slugging, like, .519 at home! (As opposed to the 1.354 he slugs in road games!)
GOOD NEWS: Their bullpen lefties-- somber Scho, mustachioed Zavada-- is crappy, pappy!
GOOD NEWS: Want to know whether or not to wear your evening sun hat? Or are you just a retractable-roof-news fan? Arizona's got a roof hotline (602-379-ROOF)!
GOOD NEWS: The federal stimulus program is injecting $25.6 million into the state's network of 16 federally qualified health centers. Fuck and yes!
GOOD NEWS: The Desert Botanical Garden (in Papago Park) is not nearly as dry as it sounds!
GOOD NEWS: There's In-and-Out Burger AND Chick-Fil-A here? I just got an eat-rection!
GOOD NEWS: Just about six months until pitchers and catchers report!
To the pitching:
MONDAY, 8/10: vs.
Mike Pelfrey (8-7, 4.75 ERA, 1.50 WHIP, 1.49 K/BB, .285 BAA) vs. Doug Davis (6-10, 3.67 ERA, 1.46 WHIP, 1.54 K/BB, .259 BAA)
Fuck this junkball-shitting guy. Fuck him so hard.
TUESDAY, 8/11: Livan Hernandez (7-6, 5.08 ERA, 1.54 WHIP, 1.83 K/BB, .302 BAA) vs.
Max Scherzer (6-6, 4.01 ERA, 1.39 WHIP, 2.61 K/BB, .256 BAA)
This guy, he's a nice guy. I kinda don't mind him so much. ([url=http://www.azcentral.com/sports/diamondbacks/articles/2009/08/06/20090806spt-dbxmain.html]Also, he's apparently a Fangraphs frequenter[/url].)
Still, fuck him. But gently.
WEDNESDAY, 8/12: Oliver Perez (2-3, 6.38 ERA, 1.87 WHIP, 1.27 K/BB, .263 BAA) vs.
Jon Garland (6-10, 4.33 ERA, 1.41 WHIP, 1.39 K/BB, .281 BAA)
Oh, FUUUUUUUUUCK this felchmonger. Fuck him with a baby-- nay, a LARGE cactus, right in his complaining, finesse-y ass. FUCK. HIM.
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