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Derek Jeter: All That Is Good

G-Fafif
Aug 12 2009 04:11 PM

Gene Wojciehowski gives Captain Template [url=http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=4392903]the soft rain treatment[/url] (though it reads like someone has a pinstriped shower fetish). Get out your umbrellas...

]Wednesday, August 12, 2009 Jeter the name that matters By Gene Wojciechowski ESPN.com BRONX BOMBSHELL: DEREK JETER SAYS HE USED STEROIDS Well, what would you do if ESPN interrupted your regularly scheduled programming for that one? Would it be enough to make you shred your season tickets, douse your baseball cards with charcoal fluid and delete America's pastime from your Facebook friends list? If I ever see Jeter's name attached to the hip of performance enhancers, I'm done. I mean it -- I'll never watch another big league game again. Because if Captain Pinstripes could do the Vitamin S deed, then anybody can. Jeter's name is where I draw the line in the PED sand. He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing. It seems so, well, beneath him. He is the one player who I actually think would walk away from the game if he thought he had to cheat to compete. Wouldn't be much point in caring about baseball if Derek Jeter's name ever showed up on some performance-enhancing drug list. To me, Jeter is the anti-Barry Bonds, the anti-Roger Clemens and the anti-Alex Rodriguez. He understands that if you compromise the game, you compromise yourself. Bonds, who didn't need to cheat but did anyway, was undone by an ego the size of Alcatraz. Clemens, the pathological liar who tries to intimidate people into believing his gum-wrapper-thin explanations, cheated because he was "The Rocket'' and you're not. And A-Rod, overpowered by the need to please and justify his historic contract, copped to at least three seasons of PED use -- but only after lying about it for years and only after he was cornered by the truth. Not Jeter. I can see him marrying Mariah Carey before I see him squirming in front of a Congressional hearing with the lawyered-up Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. I can see him in a Boston Red Sox uni before I see him smirking his way through PED revelations like Manny Ramirez did in Los Angeles. Jeter would never put himself in that position. At least, that's what I want to believe. Then again, I wanted to believe it with his New York Yankees teammate, A-Rod. More than anything, I wanted to believe in the integrity of Rodriguez's numbers. I'm not a Yankees honk. In fact, I want to scrape my ears with a steel-haired barbecue grill brush every time I hear play-by-play man John Sterling do that grating, "Thhhhhhhhhhhhe Yankees win!'' thing. But how can you not admire the way Jeter treats his craft? He is the template for baseball professionalism. That's why I'd need a year's worth of Dr. Oz therapy sessions if it turns out Jeter did the steroids deed. And I'm not the only one. Yankees fans would go into permanent mourning if Jeter betrayed them. A-Rod's steroids admission they could handle; he was a free-agent import. Jeter, though, was born and raised by the organization. You think Yankees and you think Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris, Berra, Munson, Reggie and Jeter. Same thing goes for St. Louis. Cardinals fans worshipped Big Mac and then watched in disbelief as he napalmed his sport and reputation by refusing to "discuss the past.'' Can you imagine if Albert Pujols, the man who eventually replaced McGwire at first base, was a syringe enthusiast? City officials would have to set up a baseball suicide prevention clinic at Busch Stadium. Cards fans adore Pujols. A Jeter steroids admission would be the deal-breaker for me. Pujols, too. If those guys went pharmaceutical, I couldn't go to a big league game if Bud Selig paid me. Who would it be for you? Ken Griffey Jr.? If The Kid did it, I'm gone. Chipper Jones? The same. Mariano Rivera? I'd think about it. Joe Mauer? The sound of weeping followed by my baseball resignation letter. Jim Thome? Baseball's nicest guy wouldn't do that to us, would he? Tim Lincecum? Sadness if The Freak was a fake. Trevor Hoffman? Hells bells, please not Hoffman. David Wright? See Mauer response. More and maybe all of those names on that "secret'' steroids list will eventually leak out. In February, it was A-Rod. In June, it was Sosa. Last month it was Ramirez and David Ortiz. It's death by 96 or so paper cuts. So far the game has survived the depressing revelations. It sort of coagulates, scabs up and then heals as best as it can. But there could come a time when the PED damage reaches a tipping point. For me, the magic number is 2. Jeter's jersey number.

MFS62
Aug 12 2009 04:24 PM

I think I'm gonna' fwow up.
Later

G-Fafif
Aug 12 2009 04:27 PM

This is a great new method for column-writing: Suppose something you don't think could happen happens and react to it with horror. Beats waiting for actual news.

Also, yeech.

metirish
Aug 12 2009 04:54 PM

Oh for fucks sake how do people like this get hired by anyone , how could he not be embarrassed when he reads that back.


Every word makes me want to vomit. Bob Klapisch is probably beside himself with envy.

Edgy DC
Aug 12 2009 05:27 PM

Subpoena Derek now. Sounds like the worry is keeping this poor guy up at night. Gotta scratch that itch eventually.

Personally, I think the all-important "last guy I'd suspect" is, I don't know, Kent Tekulve.

HahnSolo
Aug 12 2009 05:32 PM

Would a guy whose head seems to have gotten much bigger over the course of his career really be that big of a surprise steroid user?

smg58
Aug 12 2009 05:46 PM

I'd laugh my ass off if Jeter got caught. The reactions of people like this guy would be very entertaining.

I wouldn't worry about what it would do to the game because it's already been done. Steroids were tolerated to the point where there was zero incentive to stay clean, and even the players who did stay clean are guilty of looking the other way (along with Selig and reporters like Gene Wojciechowski).

John Cougar Lunchbucket
Aug 12 2009 06:00 PM
Re: Derek Jeter: All That Is Good

Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Aug 12 2009 06:04 PM

="Gene Wojohandjob":xgf4qhlb]If I ever see Jeter's name attached to the hip of performance enhancers, I'm done. I mean it -- I'll never watch another big league game again. Because if Captain Pinstripes could do the Vitamin S deed, then anybody can. Jeter's name is where I draw the line in the PED sand. He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing. It seems so, well, beneath him. He is the one player who I actually think would walk away from the game if he thought he had to cheat to compete. [/quote:xgf4qhlb]

Please please please someone catch this fraud with a syringe up his ass.

Valadius
Aug 12 2009 06:00 PM

The last guy I would suspect is Mr. Koo.

MFS62
Aug 12 2009 06:02 PM

If they found out that Jeter had taken 'roids, MLB would announce that they were only kidding, 'roids have been ok all along.

Later

seawolf17
Aug 12 2009 06:04 PM

="MFS62":fuhv8nqy]If they found out that Jeter had taken 'roids, MLB would announce that they were only kidding, 'roids have been ok all along. Later[/quote:fuhv8nqy]
I actually wouldn't be surprised.

How thrilling would it be if Jeter was caught? Oh, that'd be the greatest moment in baseball history.

Kong76
Aug 12 2009 06:10 PM

GW: He is the absolute last guy I'd ever suspect of juicing <<<

I suspect he used to juice Alex before they broke up.

metirish
Aug 12 2009 06:12 PM

I am pretty sure I would watch more baseball if Cappy was caught.

Edgy DC
Aug 12 2009 06:35 PM

Let's be clear here. If Derek's test came back positive there would be major investigations... of the testing process.

PiggiesTomatoes
Aug 12 2009 06:58 PM

I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Long live Capt. MFYDB.

MFS62
Aug 12 2009 07:11 PM

Maybe if we just ignore him he'd go away.
Later

metsguyinmichigan
Aug 12 2009 07:23 PM

="Edgy DC":1m6ykkgg]Let's be clear here. If Derek's test came back positive there would be major investigations... of the testing process.[/quote:1m6ykkgg]

Bad ass! Truth was spoken here!

Fman99
Aug 12 2009 07:34 PM

Can you get a blood sample from a halo?

Frayed Knot
Aug 12 2009 07:43 PM

I heard some geek on ESPN radio (don't even know who) saying the exact same thing today: 'if Jeter's dirty I'm done with baseball'

Two things;

1) Grow the Fuck up!!

2) Most ESPN geeks or similar nationally-oriented sports guys hate baseball anyway and statements like this are just an excuse to either knock the sport or brag about how you're thisclose to giving it up. Latching onto Jeter is an attempt at claiming 'old skool cred' because he's the guy (or so they've been told) who represents a "throwback" [ooh how I hate that term] to when all baseball players were pure and good and never switched teams or made a lot of money so that they can claim to be making a moral judgement against a sport gone wrong.
All of which leads us back to: Grow the Fuck Up!!

Edgy DC
Aug 12 2009 10:16 PM

You know, I'm thinking a bit here, and it's not like I have a single figure in front of me, but I'm thinking that --- with his work as a pitchman, with his putting his name on cologne and buttspray, with the sales of futures on his DNA --- Jeter probably makes more lettuce than A-Rod or any other ballplayer when tax time comes around.

Edgy DC
Aug 13 2009 07:20 AM

I was dreaming last night of some rejected names for his fragrance

<table width="294" height="440" background="http://www.cannoncologne.com/wp-content/uploads/wpsc/product_images/thumbnails/madina_male_cologne_bottle.jpg"><tr><td width="70%" align="center">







Derek Jeter's

<font color="navy">NUMBER
TWO</font>



<img src="http://www.sportsmemorabilia.com/files/cache/derek-jeter-2009-yankees-authentic-road-jersey-w-inaugural-year-patch-signed-on-back-d_e24ea0dafb5c821ada89f11db6c3ba72.jpg" width="50"></td><td width="30%"><br></td></tr></table>

<table width="294" height="440" background="http://www.cannoncologne.com/wp-content/uploads/wpsc/product_images/thumbnails/madina_male_cologne_bottle.jpg"><tr><td width="70%" align="center">





<font color="navy">
MASKING AGENT
by Derek Jeter

<img src="http://fineartamerica.com/images-small/2-the-captain-jason-kasper.jpg" width="50"></font></td><td width="30%"><br></td></tr></table>

I have strange dreams.

MFS62
Aug 13 2009 07:36 AM

="Edgy DC":3e4nzejy] -- Jeter probably makes more lettuce than A-Rod or any other ballplayer.[/quote:3e4nzejy]
That's good, because we're sure that he's kind to baby bunnies, too.

Later

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr
Aug 13 2009 10:29 AM

="MFS62"]
="Edgy DC"] -- Jeter probably makes more lettuce than A-Rod or any other ballplayer.
That's good, because we're sure that he's kind to baby bunnies, too. Later


Stands to reason. It behooves him to treat them well. More flexible skeletons means that they're superlative at burrowing into tight holes.
(Gere joke! YAY! My parents are so proud!)

Oh, and "Number 2" shot coffee through my sinuses.

bmfc1
Aug 13 2009 11:36 AM

Klapsich returns with crap. Honestly, I couldn't get past the first paragraph.

http://www.northjersey.com/sports/Yanke ... along.html

Farmer Ted
Aug 13 2009 11:37 AM

They immortal. Really.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr
Aug 13 2009 11:49 AM

It's amazing how much Girardi has grown as a manager in this season where they happen to have replaced Mussina and Hughes with Sabathia and Burnett and replaced Giambi with AssholeCopFirstBaseman.

"Near-invincibility"? THEY'RE A GOOD TEAM. ON. A FUCKING. HOT STREAK.

Edgy DC
Aug 13 2009 11:55 AM

Walkoff victories, win-the-close-ones cliches aside, are not a sign of a great team.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr
Aug 13 2009 01:04 PM

="Edgy DC":3vm1pzr0]Walkoff victories, win-the-close-ones cliches aside, are not a sign of a great team.[/quote:3vm1pzr0]

They're more a sign of the 2007 Arizona Diamondbacks.

Fman99
Aug 13 2009 01:07 PM

="LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr"]
="MFS62"]
="Edgy DC"] -- Jeter probably makes more lettuce than A-Rod or any other ballplayer.
That's good, because we're sure that he's kind to baby bunnies, too. Later
Stands to reason. It behooves him to treat them well. More flexible skeletons means that they're superlative at burrowing into tight holes. (Gere joke! YAY! My parents are so proud!) Oh, and "Number 2" shot coffee through my sinuses.


Beats shooting number 2 through your sinuses, I suppose.

metirish
Aug 13 2009 01:09 PM

I knew Bob would not be outdone , this is hilarious reading......

] but the Yankees are so hot that, in the words of one talent evaluator, “The only way you’re going to beat them right now is if they’re having an off night


Oh I wonder who the talent evaluator is......his son? , his dog?

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr
Aug 13 2009 01:19 PM

="metirish"]I knew Bob would not be outdone , this is hilarious reading......
] but the Yankees are so hot that, in the words of one talent evaluator, “The only way you’re going to beat them right now is if they’re having an off night
Oh I wonder who the talent evaluator is......his son? , his dog?




(Psst... it's Gene Michael!)