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There used to be a time, when wheels were "the next big thing" and Madonna was still a prize, when the Mets and Cubs had an honest-to-godness rivarly. We were divisional rivals! I swear! The history of the Mets catching the hapless Cubs in 1969 came up repeatedly, and happily, this past summer. I cherish those moments.
But now, thanks to the imbalanced schedule, former East rivals like the Cubs and Pirates are in the "every other NL team" bin, along with the likes of the Padres, D-Backs and other Johnny come latelies. In other words, you get a home and home against the Cubs and that's it. Six games.
This shit makes me insane. I want more Mets-Cubs. More Mets-Bucs. Less AL.
Now that I've put fresh whip marks on the horse's carcass (and no, that's not a sex joke), on to the KTE. Let me preface this by saying I'm not going to reinvent the wheel here. I'm tired, the Mets suck and my normal dry wit has been replaced by a logy indifference that will manifest itself in the form of a lazy, disinterested KTE, interspersed briefly with anatomy jokes.
That's all you get. Don't like it, then come up to Syracuse and punch me in the neck. Fuck my imaginary sister if you must, just tell her she smells nice first. Give her that much.
OE: Can't link to Swannie's excellent KTE from last week because of new forum rules. Look it up.
Much remains as it was. I will give my own stats and bend.
Catcher:
Geovany Soto: .212/9/31, 21 runs, SLG .371, OPS .690. dinged for a good part of the year and hitting like a Met when he's out there. He's like Mike Piazza, but the 2003 version. Or, like Brian Schneider, but with expectations of success.
First Base:
Derek Lee: .294/27.90, 68 runs, .550 SLG, .924 OPS. Having a resurgent year, great in the field, tall drink of water. He's the black John Olerud, minus the eggshell weak skull bones and aneurysm risk.
Second Base:
Mike Fontenot: .225/9/39, 33 runs, .373 SLG, .665 OPS. This guy stinks like a Chris Farley towel. But he does have a good nickname, "The Swamp Thing," from his Louisiana upbringing.
Shortstop:
Ryan Theriot: .291/7/49, 67 runs, .389 SLG, .730 OPS. Hitting comparably to what he did during his breakout 2008 season where he went .307 and stole 22 bases. Also from Louisiana, also has a douchy French name. I assume he and Fontenot change uniforms sometimes before a game and then take the field as each other to see if anyone notices.
Third Base:
Aramis Ramirez: .323/11/47, 31 runs, .534 SLG, .917 OPS. Missed half the season with a bum shoulder, but don't kid yourself. A-Ram-Ram can rake. Like David Wright from 2008 when he could still hit a home run.
Left Field:
Alfonso Soriano: .243/20/55, 64 runs, .427 SLG, .732 OPS. Forever miscast as a leadoff hitter, now his weak batting average and dubious plate discipline (115 Ks) clogging up the middle of the Cubs lineup. Former MFY. He's a young Gary Sheffield, minus the whining and Florida rap sheet.
Center Field:
Kosuke Fukudome: .274/11/48, 63 runs, .456 SLG, .841 OPS. More of the same in the 2nd season stateside for Mr. FuckYouDome, but still not much more than a league-average hitter at CF. He's Angel Pagan, only he likes sake and knows how to run bases.
Right Field:
Milton Bradley: .266/12/37, 58 runs, .421 SLG, .816 OPS. I'm not saying he's a clubhouse cancer, but the WGN broadcasts show PSA's every break on the danger of having too much Milton Bradley in your life. Like on SNY: the guy's sitting on the table at the doctor's office, waiting for the bad news. The doctor knocks and enters:
"You have Milton Bradley on your team."
Jeez, scary stuff. His Met doppleganger? A surly mid-30s Bobby Bo.
Bench:
Cut to "The Most Interesting Guy in the World" from the Dos Equis ads. Hot chicks on either side. Looks deadpan into the camera and says:
"This season is over for you. Go ride a bike, eat a peach, lick a lesbian. Stop worrying about the Cubs bench."
"Stay thirsty, my friends."
This weekend's pitching matchups.
Friday:
Parnell v. Carlos Zambrano (7-6, 3.91 ERA, 1.43 WHIP). Fat Carlos is into the salad years on that big ridiculous contract of his. He's Oliver Perez x5 (salary-wise), except with more talent. Another guy with a million dollar arm and a ten cent head. And he was the GOOD Zambrano.
Saturday:
Figueroa v. Rich Harden (8-8, 4.19, 1.29). For the first time, putting up pedestrian numbers in a season where he was healthy enough to make his starts. He's from Canada. I tried to care but came up empty. I did think of a good nickname though. Rich "Raging" Harden.
Sunday:
Pelfrey v. Randy Wells (10-7, 2.90, 1.22). Has been, along with Ted Lilly, one of the 2 best starters for Chicago this year. And I checked -- he is not, in fact, a chunk of David Wells that broke off and metastasized into his own person. Though that would be sweet. Think John Maine, when Maine was alive.
Bullpen:
Kevin Gregg: Former closer, sucked too much, moved to key 8th inning role.
Carlos Marmol: Former 8th inning guy, sucked a little bit less, moved to closer role. And so it goes.
Heilman lurks, waiting to get booed at the new park. He's doing a Sudoku right now and thinking about bran.
Manager:
Sweet Lou. I like the idea of Lou in the dugout, at the helm of this group of misfits and underachievers, while his arteries are screaming at him and he thinks about getting back to his beach house and his toy dog (which he tosses around like a rugby ball). He's the perfect leader of this mess. Another season with a group like this and Lou will be sounding more like Heath Bell Jr.
Team:
Cubs are 3 games over .500, 10 1/2 back from St. Louis in the Central and 6 behind Colorado (and a few others in between) for the WC. Come October they'll be doing what the Mets are doing -- booking tee times and counting their money.
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