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Suicide Is Not Painless

Valadius Apr 09 2010 08:06 PM

My uncle committed suicide last night. I was informed on my way out of work today. I don't know many details, only that he was discovered by my cousin. He was 60 years old. The last time I talked to him was for my birthday in February. We talked for about 15 minutes. It used to be that I'd see him multiple times a year, but he and my mother had a falling out about three years ago, so I hadn't seen him since my great-aunt's funeral about a year and a half ago. How does one process a loved one taking their own life? It just does not compute. What drives someone to do it? This man, flawed as he was, was my godfather. I'm totally shaken. These kinds of things you simply never expect to have to deal with, and yet there they are, plop, right in your lap.

metirish Apr 09 2010 08:13 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Jeez Val , very , very sorry for your loss. It's got to just about the worst thing a family has to go through. Did your uncle have children , a wife? Again, very sorry.

Valadius Apr 09 2010 08:19 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

He leaves behind a wife of 31 years and an adult daughter.

Edgy DC Apr 09 2010 08:56 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Too painful, in fact, for me to give much of an articulate answer. Take care of the survivors as best as you can, and don't be afraid to let folks know when you need taking care of. I'm very sorry and I'll pray for your family tonight.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Apr 09 2010 09:34 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I can't begin to know what that's like. Be good to each other and yourself.

A Boy Named Seo Apr 09 2010 09:36 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Shit, Val. So sorry. My uncle committed suicide, too, when I was a kid. It doesn't seem my family's ever wholly come to grips with it, but I've seen them all lean on each other heavily, and that probably helps as much as anything could. Sorry again, man.

Gwreck Apr 09 2010 09:42 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Very sorry for your loss. All the best to you and your family.

John Cougar Lunchbucket Apr 10 2010 06:28 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Sorry to hear this Vladdy.

themetfairy Apr 10 2010 07:31 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I am so sorry Val. {{Hugs}}

smg58 Apr 10 2010 09:15 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I'm very sorry.

Kong76 Apr 10 2010 10:04 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Sorry to hear, Valad. Maybe some more info will surface in the coming days about what drove him to take his life. Good luck coping and feel free to reach out to us if need be. I have some experience with this as well, not as an attempt survivor, but being around some suicidal people over the years.

MFS62 Apr 10 2010 11:06 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Peace and understanding to the family. Later

HahnSolo Apr 10 2010 01:24 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Wow, this is just dreadful. I always feel a great amount of sadness for any person who feels compelled to take their own life. And I wish you and your family strength through this.

Benjamin Grimm Apr 10 2010 02:10 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

My condolences as well. I can only imagine...

cooby Apr 10 2010 02:59 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I'm so sorry Val, my heart truly goes out to you and your family...

Chad Ochoseis Apr 10 2010 03:13 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Very sorry to hear it, Val.

Fman99 Apr 10 2010 07:24 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

So sorry Val.

seawolf17 Apr 10 2010 07:28 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Condolences to you and your family.

Valadius Apr 10 2010 09:28 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Thank you everyone. This is really difficult. I'm staying at my grandmother's apartment tonight with my mother. My grandmother is incoherent - this is the second son she has to bury. My mother has to deal with the loss of her remaining brother. I took it upon myself to be here for both of them. My father and sister are driving down from North Jersey tomorrow for the funeral. My brother can't make it here in time. From what I've been able to gather, my uncle had not been taking his medication for a year and was severely depressed. He had severe OCD and a tendency to burn bridges and push people away. He was extraordinarily stubborn, and refused to admit any mistake. My aunt had been begging him to get help, but he refused. His death was very sudden, and he didn't leave a note. My cousin came back from a night with friends and found him asphyxiated. The detectives were able to definitively conclude that he took his own life, based on receipts for what he used to do it with and material on his computer that gave instructions on how to do it. I won't go into the method used because it's irrelevant. Tomorrow is probably going to be a disaster. My grandmother is likely to throw herself on the graves of my grandfather and my other uncle (whom I never knew, as he died of leukemia when my mother was 10 years old and who I'm named for.) My aunt might, in her grief, blame my mother and father's estrangement from them for his death, though in all honesty it was my uncle that really burned the bridge with some outrageous things he said three years ago, and my mother who refused to let bygones be bygones and insisted on an apology that my uncle refused to give. I didn't care who was right and who was wrong, and I was trying to bring the family back together in time for my grandmother's funeral, whenever that happens. Now I have to try and mend the family rift tomorrow, or it may never happen at all. So yeah, big day tomorrow. Wish me luck.

themetfairy Apr 10 2010 09:38 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Best of luck Val!

Edgy DC Apr 10 2010 09:38 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Do what you can, but don't fall into the trap of believing it's all on you. Sounds like there's enough guilt to go along with the recriminations going around. Help where you can, forgive quickly, let go where you must, and start again the next day. But it's not all on you. Families are just too complex.

seawolf17 Apr 11 2010 07:17 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

[quote="Edgy DC":kvx8uoyy]Do what you can, but don't fall into the trap of believing it's all on you. Sounds like there's enough guilt to go along with the recriminations going around. Help where you can, forgive quickly, let go where you must, and start again the next day. But it's not all on you. Families are just too complex.[/quote:kvx8uoyy] And know that if you just need to vent, we're here. Nothing like a bunch of faceless folks on a message board (FB notwithstanding) to just let it fly, man. It's not always easy to say the things you really want to say, especially when family is involved, but the CPF always listens.

Valadius Apr 11 2010 07:21 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Today was not as bad as it could have been. My great-uncle was able to pull some strings with the cemetery and got my uncle buried across from his brother, which meant the world to my grandmother - she had been wailing on and on that my uncle wouldn't be able to find his father and brother. My aunt doesn't blame anybody but him for taking his own life, but it turns out that life in that household had gotten really tense over the last year, both financially and with regards to my aunt and uncle's marriage. My aunt had made an appointment with a divorce attorney before my uncle's death, which she said there's no way he would have known about. He was a very controlling, domineering person, who had only gotten worse in the last few years, and my aunt had finally begun asserting her independence. He was a tortured soul for many years, but he's at peace now with his beloved brother and his father. It looks like we'll be able to patch our family back together, but it's going to take some time for healing.

themetfairy Apr 11 2010 08:10 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I'm glad to hear that, relatively speaking, today went as well as it did. {{More Hugs}}

metsguyinmichigan Apr 11 2010 08:27 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Just seeing this today. I'm so, so sorry, Val.

Willets Point Apr 12 2010 07:37 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Sorry Valadius. I hope for the best for you and your family in this time of sorrow.

Centerfield Apr 12 2010 08:07 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

I have no words. Sorry Val.

soupcan Apr 12 2010 08:47 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

Sorry to read about all this Val.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Apr 12 2010 09:31 AM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

LWBetterHalfer's dad died suddenly, and the funeral brought all manner of attention-seeking (and born-again proselytizing) relatives out of the woodwork. It's been five years, and thinking about that day still puts her in a far-off place for a while... since he had been ill and in pain for a while before the accident, that memory's almost more hurtful than the death itself. I'm glad things didn't go nearly as terribly as you'd imagined yesterday, if only for that reason... and the fact that the path to rapprochement with your cousin and aunt seems wide-open, if your mom wants it.

Ashie62 Apr 12 2010 01:38 PM Re: Suicide Is Not Painless

[quote="Valadius":6qzzhiq9]Today was not as bad as it could have been. My great-uncle was able to pull some strings with the cemetery and got my uncle buried across from his brother, which meant the world to my grandmother - she had been wailing on and on that my uncle wouldn't be able to find his father and brother. My aunt doesn't blame anybody but him for taking his own life, but it turns out that life in that household had gotten really tense over the last year, both financially and with regards to my aunt and uncle's marriage. My aunt had made an appointment with a divorce attorney before my uncle's death, which she said there's no way he would have known about. He was a very controlling, domineering person, who had only gotten worse in the last few years, and my aunt had finally begun asserting her independence. He was a tortured soul for many years, but he's at peace now with his beloved brother and his father. It looks like we'll be able to patch our family back together, but it's going to take some time for healing.[/quote:6qzzhiq9] You are not alone. It's said to much, but time does tend to heal..God Bless*