Apr 29 2010 10:51 AM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Apr 30 2010 06:07 AM
Carrying on the fine tradition of 2010 CPF KTEs, I step up to the dish to give you the skinny on the Mets enemy du jour, as the good guys journey down the NJ Pike to Philly to take on my favorite NL East team (to detest), the beloved (to wankers) Philadelphia Phillies. For fun, I'll be trying out something new... comparing our weekend enemies to beloved (behated?) enemies from classic movies of the last 40 years. Something about a Phillie KTE makes me want to put these guys in a historical/pop culture type enemy perspective. Plus, you know, they're some real hate-able guys over there (besides the fans, that is). Mostly it's a chance to drop obscure pop culture references while making fun of the Phils.
Batters, presented in a recent lineup order (Wednesday's Giants tilt):
Victorino, CF, .225,3 HR,15 RBI ,11 runs, 3 SB... young, brash, the "cryin Hawaiian," will slap the ball out of your glove and run out of the basepaths to try and get the interference call. One of those guys that if he's on your team, he's "scrappy," but on any other team, he's more likely to be referred to as a "fucking douche." Not really hitting for average yet but still can turn on a pitch, as can much of this lineup. Good glove in the OF.
Pop culture villain comparison: Because he seems to uber-unlikeable, Elijah Wood as Kevin in "Sin City." 
Polanco, 3B, .313 2,13,15,1... in his second stint in Philly, he was their primary 2B there between 2003-2004 and came back to Philly after a stint in Detroit. He's a "professional hitter," for what that's worth. He's meeting expectations as the team's #2 guy thus far.
Pop culture equivalent: Due to his giant bulgy head, I'll go with Hannibal Lecter, another large-headed (snicker) male.
Utley, 2B, .282,6,15,19,1... all-star, hitting well, said "Boo? Fuck you!" to all the New York fans during the Home Run derby at MFY Stadium II and was famously captured by ESPN mikes saying it, which I thought was funny. Fuck him too, right? Doing his normal Chase Utley thing this year once again.
Movie villain: Utley's robotically evil, so I'll go with Hal 9000 from 2001. 
Ryan Howard, 1B, .286,4,17,13,0... off to a hotter than usual start. Signed a ridonkulous contract extension, much discussed and oft maligned. Big, scary nostrils that you could park a Segway scooter in. Still, he can knock a ball around and has gotten better in the field.
Movie villain: Let's see, unattractive, quiet type. I'm going with Anton Chigurh from "No Country for Old Men," whose nostrils aren't exactly parking in the Economy spaces at Sam's Club. 
Jayson Werth, RF, .315, 3, 14, 15, 1. Spells both of his names incorrectly. He can hit and throw but people are now predicting he walks when his contract is up, due to the big bucks that Halladay, Howard, etc. are all getting.
Movie villain: Blond, surfer type, dumb haircut. Going with Brodie from "Point Break." RIP Dirty Dancer.
Raul Ibanez, LF, .219,1,9,10,0. After going ca-ca-coo-coo in the first half of last year, this guy really has fallen off the side of the Earth. Finished 2009 with weak hitting numbers and not showing any signs of life yet in 2010. Which I approve of, yea, heartily even.
Movie villain: Old and bald, gotta go with Dr. Evil. Yes, I know he's a knock off from a Bond villain from the 1960's but it's my KTE, so fuck off.
Juan Castro, SS, .283,0,7,4,0. Filling in for the DL's Jimmy Rollins, known primarily for his defense. He's a contact hitter with no juice.
Movie villain: Known for his work wearing one glove, skinny, hmm....
Caveat: Only a villain to kids trapped at the Neverland ranch, or pharmaceutical salesmen with sample kits and flat tires.
Carlos Ruiz, C, .269,0,17,7,0. Typical NL catcher, a batting average in the .250s, a smidge of power and nothing really distinguishing about his game to speak of. He hits 8th, he's the catcher. Nothing to see here, keep moving.
Movie villain: Ruiz is really the nameless, faceless sort. I thought he had a boss moustache but I was actually thinking of Sal Fasano who isn't there anymore. So, going with the faceless villain I will take Lecter's nemesis from "Hannibal," the creepy deformed Mason Verger (as portrayed by Gary Oldman with mashed potatoes slathered all over his face).
Pitching matchups:
Friday Niese v Kyle Kendrick (0-0, 7.74 ERA). Phillies rotation is starting some real crapola, what with Joe Blanton on the DL and all. Kendrick had a statistically lucky 2007 rookie year and hasn't done much since. This year he sucks Pennsylvania ass.
Movie villain: Nondescript young white guy. I'll go with Kevin Spacey as John Doe in "Se7en." 
Saturday Pelfrey v Halladay (4-1, 1.80). Good matchup, Halladay is the only starter on the Philly roster with a WHIP under 1.4.
Movie villain: The spastic Amish looking son from "The Burbs" (played by the same kid who played Malachi in the original "Children of the Corn." MALACHI!!!!)
I know!
Sunday Santana v Moyer (2-2, 5.25). Moyer is older than the concept of dirt. Crooked ERA numbers and yet he continues to draw a check. You can't look at Moyer without seeing the MLB grim reaper looking over his shoulder salivating (I call this the "Tom Snyder effect.")
Movie villain: Who is the oldest movie villain I could think of? Went with Emperor Palpatine from "Return of the Jedi."
Lastly, bloated and gassy manager Charlie Manuel.
Bullpen: Ryan Madsen closing and a host of nondescript types filling in, waiting for Brad Lidge to come off the DL (he's still rehabbing in the minors at this time).
The movie villain equivalent would be nameless henchmen. They are ubiquitous.
Former Mets in Philly: Turncoat Brian Schneider, Wilson Valdez, Nelson Figueroa. Also Gary Matthews Jr.'s dad "Sarge" is a Phillies broadcaster.
Former Phillies in Mets: Rod Barajas