May 03 2010 02:44 PM
Reds are 12-13 overall, 6-6 at home, and like the Mets are coming off two straight losses to wash away the taste of a hot streak (they'd won 4 straight). They're managed by Dusty Baker, which is good. For us. They don't totally suck, but collectively are below average in most batting and pitching categories. They're not scoring as much as we are, they strike out more than us and they on-base at a worse rate. Their starting pitching is pretty much Jon Niese and four John Maines so far.
Let's meet the starting lineup:
Hi, I'm Drew Stubbs, and I'll be playing center field and leading off. Are you surprised I'm not black? Yes, you must be thinking of Franklin Stubbs. Ha ha, no we're not related. I'm white. I'm fast and have good potential but I whiff a lot and I'm hitting .187.
Hi, I'm Brandon Phillips, and I'm a black man with a white-sounding name. My skills are widely known but lately they've been getting on me for laziness on the basepaths, and my OPS (682) is pretty much in Castillo territory.
Hi, I'm Joey Votto, first base. Of course I'm white... I'm Canadian! I'm now in control of the crippling anxiety disorder that sent me to the disabled list last year and fueld rumors that I was gay. Well, if handling a bat and enjoying getting slaps on the tush is gay, then I'm the gayest player in Cincinnati.
I'm white third baseman Scott Rolen. My desire has been questioned pretty much everywhere I've played which is why I'm here in Cincy now, probably, but my numbers are good.
Hi, I'm Jonny Gomes, meaty white douchebag. I'm batting around 211 with a 250 OBP.
Baby have you ever wondered, wondered what became of me? I'm playing part-time short in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, Orlando Cabrera me. I have a veteran edge over white counterpart Paul Janish, who's hitting better
Hi, I'm Chris Heisey! I'm only 25 but already look like your dad, if you're dad is white, that is. I was called to the bigs for the first time over ther weekend when black outfielder Chris Dickerson went for surgery for a broken hand. Today will be my ML debut, as I'm sitting in for white lefty counterpart Jay Bruce. Jay's a swell guy and improved from a slow start to this season, he'll probably get more action than I will this series. But maybe not!
Hola! I'm Ramon Hernandez, I split the catching duties with a white guy, Ryan Hannigan. I can't believe I'm already 34 years old. Hannigan hits for better power than I do anymore.
Hi. I'm fresh-faced white guy Mike "Cool Hand" Leake, tonight's starting pitcher! I've been the Reds' best starter this year even though they said I wouldn't even make the club. This photo shows me in my ASU outfit, I was only drafted a year ago and never pitched in the minors! I throw a sinker and a good slider and oppose Oliver Perez in the opener tonight. Pee vs. Leake: What a pisser! Ha ha ha ha.
I'm Bronson Cornholio. I oppose John Maine on Tuesday in a game that could start cries we get traded for one another. I'm pretty much a douchebag, and I have a 6.3 ERA so far. I'm white, I think.
Yo soy Johnny Cueto. It is funny that we Reds have a Jonny, a Joey and another Johnny, no? Well, I am reported to have good stuff but get whacked around a lot. I opposed Jon Niese in the finale on Wednesday.
The Red bullpen includes Francisco Cordero (9 saves already), and veterans Arthur Rhoades and Mike Lincoln. Valadius favorite player, Micah Owings is stinking up the joint as a long man, and doesn't have a hit yet. Setter-upper Nick Masset had a terrific season last year but hasn't shown up yet in '10.
X-Factor: Me, Miguel Cairo, murthafukkas! 
No Mets except for Feliciano have Cincy roots, not even Barajas or Blanco who I thought had everyone between them.
