Jun 20 2010 08:41 PM
Edited 3 time(s), most recently on Jun 21 2010 08:03 AM
The Mets are playing the Tigers in Citi Field for the next three games, and that’s good, because the Mets are traumatized whenever they come to Detroit and suck wildly.
Knowing this, I risked great personal trauma by going to Detroit on Saturday to see the Tigers lose to the Diamondbacks and gather research for this KTE.
Detroit is a bad place. Let’s establish that. The mayor is in jail. The school board president was just thrown out after performing “lewd acts” in front of the superintendent and frankly they both should be fired because the district recently posted the lowest scores EVER RECORDED on a national test.
The city has so many abandoned buildings that the new mayor – a former basketball player – has seriously suggested tearing down thousands of buildings and converting the land into urban farms.
The team famously narrowly avoided beating the 1962 Mets record for losses without the benefit of being an expansion team, and would have broken the record had Ron Gardenhire not thrown the last three games of the season after his team clinched.
That said, the Tigers are playing fairly well of late, with a record nearly identical to that of the Mets, but Detroit’s record isn’t as respectable since the team plays in a division with the Royals and Indians.
First base:
Tigers:
Miguel Cabrera, a triple crown contender, hitting .328 with 19 homers and 60 rbi. Has bad tattoos on hand. Can’t be too happy about being in Detroit after playing in Miami. Can’t field, and was moved to first base. Booze binges at end of last season probably kept team out of playoffs. Used to play third, but team likely contemplated installing nets behind first base to protect fans from errant throws.
Mets:
Ike Davis, a would-be Rookie of the Year likely to be denied because of media hype over some Brave and some Nationals pitcher. Hit the Shea bridge for first home run, only because ballpark faces away from the Throgs Neck. Makes spectacular catches.
Advantage: Mets
Second base:
Tigers: Carlos Guillen, Has played first and left field and wherever else they think they can hide his stone glove. Hitting .295 with 5 homers and 21 rbi. Can’t be too happy about being in Detroit after playing in Seattle.
Mets: Reuben Tejada, a would-be Rookie of the Year if not for Ike Davis and the aforementioned over-hyped Braves and Nats.
Advantage: Mets, but goes to Tigers if Alex Cora is playing.
Shortstop:
Tigers: Ramon Santiago. Hitting .265 with 2 homers and 10 rbi. Started with the Tigers, was traded to Seattle and can’t be too happy about being brought back to Detroit.
Mets: Jose Reyes, all-world shortstop.
Advantage: Mets
Third base:
Tigers: Brandon Inge. Converted from catcher to third. Sometimes decent power with low average. Hitting .261 with 6 homers and 28 rbi. Fan favorite who came through Tigers farm system. Stupid tats on forearms. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after playing in beautiful Grand Rapids as a member of the West Michigan Whitecaps.
Mets: David Wright, all-world third baseman.
Advantage: Mets
Catcher:
Tigers: Gerald Laird. Walks to home plate with a bat, no one knows why since he can’t hit. Has 1 homer, 9 rbi and is batting .180. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after playing for the Rangers.
Or: Alex Avila. Hitting .236 with 3 homers and 11 rbi. Second-year player, another former Whitecap. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after spending 2008 in Grand Rapids. We have some really nice museums.
Mets: Rod Barajas, who, if there is justice in the world will be the starting catcher for the National League.
Advantage: Mets
Left field:
Tigers: Brennan Boesch, a rookie hitting .337 with 10 homers and 36 rbi. Overshadowed as a rookie by Ike Davis, Reuben Tejada and those other guys. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after spending 2007 in Grand Rapids with the Whitecaps, where there is a Burger King within walking distance from the ballpark.
Mets: Jason Bay. Signed a $60 million contract to hit his usual 35 homers, which means he’s planning to hit 33 of them in the second half. Look out!
Advantage: Mets
Center field:
Tigers: Austin Jackson. Attempted to elude my scouting report by pretending to injured Saturday, but is expected to be ready by the Mets series. Made a freaking amazing catch to preserve Armando Gallaraga’s perfecto until umpire ruined everything. Hitting .308 with 1 homer and 14 rbi. Main player in trade that brought Curtis Granderson to the MFYs. Has mixed emotions about being in Detroit since he dodged getting Yankee taint on his soul.
Mets: Angel Pagan. He’s so good that many fans have mixed emotions about Carlos Beltran coming back.
Advantage: Mets
Right field:
Tigers: Magglio Ordonez. Decent stick when not hurt. Hitting .333 with 9 homers and 37 rbi. Finally cut his long hair, which looked stupid but allowed team to sell cap/wig combinations to silly fans. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after playing in Chicago.
Mets: Jeff Francoeur: He’s got 6 steals to Ordonez’s 1, so clearly cutting the hair didn’t make Mags faster.
Advantage: Mets
The Tigers use the traitor Johnny Damon as the DH, which they team obviously can't do at Citi, so we can only hope to see Damon's weak-assed arm somewhere in the outfield this series. Run!
Rotation:
Game 1, Justin Verlander (8-4, 3.54) vs Jon Niese (4-2, 3.64)
Tigers: Verlander has a ROY and was probably screwed out of last year’s Cy Young. Tossed a no-no. Only spent one year in minors. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after playing part of a season in Erie, Penn.
Mets: Niese is a bad ass who was screwed out of his ROY last year because of the injury that happened before my eyes, was screwed out of a no-no this year by a lucky bloop hit. Has kind of a big nose.
Advantage: Mets
Game 2: Jeremy Bonderman (3-4, 4.06) vs R.A. Dickey (5-0, 2.86)
Tigers: Bonderman was the Tigers’ ace until displaced by Verlander. Was hurt and sent to bullpen. Not as good as he used to be. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after spending a rehab assignment in Grand Rapids, where the Whitecaps later issued bobbleheads of Bonderman in a camo uniform.
Mets: R.A. Dickey. He’s undefeated and isn’t about to start losing now.
Advantage: Mets
Game 3: Andres Gallagara (2-1, 3.32) vs. Hisanori Takanashi, (6-2, 3.13)
Tigers: Gallagara was screwed out of his perfect game, couldn’t get through the fourth inning in his latest start. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after playing in Texas.
Mets: Takanashi has held the Yankees scoreless in two appearances this year. Mike Francesa seems to think that the Yankees are the greatest team ever. That can only mean that Takanashi is the greatest pitcher ever, and we stuck him in the bullpen for the first part of the season, which tells you how freaking deep our rotation is.
Advantage: Mets
Manager:
Tigers: Jim Leyland. Has a ring from 1997 Marlins, took Tigers to the series in 2006, would have taken the Pirates to the series if Barry Bonds had been able to throw out Sid “I am the slowest person in baseball” Bream from deep short. Notorious chain smoker. Can’t be happy about being in Detroit after managing in Denver.
Mets: Jerry Manuel. Here’s how ballsy Manuel is. He tells the other manager exactly what he’s going to do. If a runner is on first with none out, he will bunt. The starters will go six, then Jerry will play lefty-righty in the seventh before giving way to the Designated Eighth Inning Guy and then to the Designated Closer. And if our ace is on the mound, we will not score a single run, daring you to score. That’s cocky!
Advantage: Mets
Uniforms:
Tigers: Epic fail. The Olde English D on their caps is different from the Olde English D on the jersey. Yes, it is. Look closely. The smaller one is on the cap, larger one on the jersey.
Mets: The cream-colored home pinstripes are perhaps the most beautiful uniforms in baseball, if not all of sport.
Advantage: Mets
After reviewing the data I can clearly and objectively state that the Mets will should win this series. Yes!
In all seriousness, the city is in horrible shape, but the fans here are decent sorts who support the team and deserve better. I don't like going to Comerica as much as I liked seeing games in Tiger Stadium, but there are worse places.
We did have a good time on Saturday, especially checking out what is left of the old Tiger Stadium: [url]http://metsguyinmichigan.blogspot.com/2010/06/finding-little-but-our-memories-on-spot.html
