Jul 30 2010 01:31 PM
Edited 5 time(s), most recently on Sep 05 2010 07:53 PM
The breakdown:
See... them tumbling down...
Drooopping pop flies to the ground...
They'll piiiick in the early first ro-ound...
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweed...
"A way out west, there was a bunch of fellas, fellas I want to tell you about, fellas by the name of the Arizona Diamondbacks. At least, that was the handle Jerry Colangelo and ever-lovin' MLB agreed on, but they didn't have much use for it themselves after a couple. This club, they took to callin' themselves the D'Backs. Now, that's a name no one with ears and a sense o' self-aware would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the team from the desert that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, or anyone who cared to pay attention, which ain't that many, this time o' year. And a lot about where they lived, like-wise. But then again, maybe that's why I would never live'ere in a million durned years."
"I only mention it 'cause sometimes there's a team--I won't say 'clutch,' 'cause what's a 'clutch?'--but sometimes there's a club. And I'm talkin' about the D'Backs here-- sometimes, there's a club that... well... it's the club for its time'n place, it fits right in there... and that's the D'Backs, in godfersaken Ay-ree-zona, playin' out a bar'n season at the bottom of the NL West barr'l."
"And even if that team's a tur'ble team with a tur'ble pitching staff and a brand-new, limping manager... ... an' a GM that gives its best players away to contenders for nothin' 'cause they're costly-- and the D'Backs are certainly that, the worst in the National League West, which would gen'rally place 'em high in the running for worst in the whole durned league... but sometimes, there's a team. Sometimes, there's a team..."
I heard he touches eight-year-olds. Eight-year-olds, dude.
...
"Well, ah lost m'train o' thought here! But, aw hell-- ah dun innerduced 'em enough. You must 'member 'em, anyhow-- they're the club what whupped yers in three straight last week!"
The lineup:
"These are all Kirk Gibson's boys? Different mothers? I guess, racially, he's pretty cool, then. Far out, man..."
-- CF Chris Young (419 PA, .266/.333/.463, 17 HRs, 21 SBs/2 CS, 103 OPS+, .357 wOBA)
"All-Star? Him? Listen... you want the other Chris Young, man! This guy's just a free swinger, man, livin' life out there, and... well... yeah, I guess."
-- 2B Kelly Johnson (423 PA, .274/.363/.492, 16 HRs, 9 SBs/4 CS, 119 OPS+, .372 wOBA)
"Nice, but... you know, this production will not stand, man."
-- RF Justin Upton (429 PA, .280/.368/.483, 16 HRs, 13 SBs/6 CS, 118 OPS+, .371 wOBA)
"Lotta hits. Lotta home runs. Lotta running. The dude abides."
-- 3B Mark Reynolds (406 PA, .217/.337/.484, 24 HRs, 5 SBs/2 CS, 110 OPS+, .353 wOBA)
"GODDAMMIT, Mark! You fucking asshole! Everything's a home run or a strikeout with you! You make everything a fucking travesty!"
-- 1B Adam LaRoche (385 PA, .254/.330/.446, 14 HRs, 99 OPS+, .337 wOBA)
"Another Caucasian, Gibby? Jesus, man, I just had a rough road trip, and I hate the fucking LaRoches."
-- C Miguel Montero (147 PA, .300/.367/.438, 3 HRs, 108 OPS+, .347 wOBA) or Chris Snyder (234 PA, .231/.352/.426, 10 HRs, 101 OPS+, .338 wOBA)
"A little of this, a little of that. It's all fine, man."
-- SS Stephen Drew (385 PA, .265/.339/.397, 4 HRs, 6 SBs/3 CS, 90 OPS+, .328 wOBA)
"Down year, man. Bummer. Sometimes, y'know, you eat the b'ar..."
-- LF Gerardo Parra (223 PA, .255/.302/.375, 2 HRs, 74 OPS+, .292 wOBA) or Rusty Ryal (135 PA, .307/.343/.425, .340 wOBA)
"Ryal's just, like, a fucking hot-hitting utility guy. They'd start Parra-- who's still, like, their Cora-- more, but... man, WHAT'S THAT SMELL? FUCK!"
The pitching matchups:.jpg)
"This was a valued staff, was it not? And then fate came in n' peed on it, did it not? DID IT NOT? There was a Cy Young winner, and a longhaired dude from Oakland, and a few others, and there's no fucking reason why-- here's my point, dudes-- there's no fucking reason... Huh? What? What the fuck are you talking-- I'm not-- we're talking about UNCHECKED DEPLETION here, and--"
"I am the GM? I am the Josh Byrnes?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, JERRY! YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT!"
7/29: Pelf vs. Ian Kennedy (20 GS, 123 IP, 5-8 record, 4.10 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 2.28 K/BB, 109 ERA+).
"Some 'scouts' have compared Mr. Kennedy to Rick Reed. If anything, he's Jon Garland. These scouts, they're like a child, who wanders in-- who wanders in, and wants to know-- wants to know, what, um... My point is, am I wrong?"
"He used to be a Yankee? Fucking Yankees. Nothing changes. And on shomer fucking Shabbas, too. Fucking Nazis."
7/30: Takahashi vs. Barry Enright (5 GS, 29 2/3 IP, 2-2 record, 2.72 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 2.30 K/BB, 165 ERA+).
"He gave a good impression the last time. But is this your Ace, Jerry? Is this your Ace? Is this your Ace?"
"YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS? YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET FUCKED BY AN ANGEL GM IN THE ASS?"
8/1: Hawkman vs. Rodrigo Lopez (21 GS, 134 2/3 IP, 5-9 record, 4.68 ERA, 1.37 WHIP, 1.85 K/BB, 96 ERA+).
"You want a middling, middle-aged righty with walk problems? I can get you a middling, middle-aged righty with walk problems, believe me. There are ways, people. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. I'll get you another Lopez by this afternoon-- with a goatee, f'you want."
The Bullpen:
"Closer viss an ERA over 8? Almost everybozzy in the mid-4s and valking 4 per 9? Aaron Heilman as ze stoppah?"
"Vee believe in nussing."
Ex-factors:
Snakes in Met clothing: Aching Rod Barajas, ancient Elmer Dessens.
Mets who shed their skin: Heilman. (Though Benson's out there in the underbrush, pitching for AAA Reno. Cheap excuse for an Anna shot? Cheap excuse for an Anna shot.)
Nice marmot.
