Aug 16 2010 02:52 PM
Edited 4 time(s), most recently on Aug 17 2010 10:04 AM
Apologies... work blew up on me; it's coming. In the meantime, please enjoy your amuse l'oeil.
Okay, here it is.
The breakdown:
On we roll into Houston, a breath of no air, one of Texas'-- and America's-- great no-place places. Dallas is Texan, whatever that means, through and through. San Antonio is Tex-Mex. Austin is Weird (or Pretentious, depending on your read on it). Meanwhile, Houston... is Houston. Sure, it's still full of oil-rich, and the international presence such resources attract, but otherwise? Sprawling, liminally cosmopolitan. Packed to the gills with job-borne transplants, dropping their kids off at private schools via traffic-and-light-rail-choked loops of road, exhaling sweaty smoke. In some of its more ignored, hard-to-reach areas, periodic gang issues, drug issues, and failing-schools issues rolling in and out like storm systems. Want some food? We've got a couple of burger joints and an IHOP down the road, oh, and a Ruth's Chris to die for... or, if you'd rather, some Pad Thai from our Chinatown! It's Anycity, American South-by-Southwest. The local character is that-- but for a vague, cleaned-up twang-- there IS no local character. 
Somewhere and nowhere. It's a fitting place for the Mets to be, following an exhausting week of literal and figurative beatings, and a month of vague dislocation that's not been unlike the exhaustion of the frequent flyer-- no place feels like home, least of all home. The team meets us, fits us, too, like an old dance partner. Middle-of-the-road starters, Middling-to-poor bullpen (4.80 ERA, 4.13 FIP, 4.35 xFIP, 2nd-worst-in-the-NL WHIP of 1.57, 6th-worst-in-the-NL strand rate of 71.6%), producing runs like the Vatican produces porn. Sure, they're terrible. Worse, they're medium-shitty, just as devoid of personality as the city they've got on their shirts-- no Oswalt, no Berkman, a Bagwell, but only on the bench... and even the promising rookies-- Chris Johnson, Brett Wallace-- have names that sound like they were made up by a video-game roster generator or a dull child. Fumbling around in the upper lower reaches of the NL Central, and have been since day one, deadline "sellers" since April... and they've got a manager named Brad. But if they're a terrible team, tucked squarely in the league's large intestine, being and going slowly, inexorably nowhere...
Pre-break
HOU: 36-53 (.404)
NYM: 48-40 (.545)
Post-break
HOU: 15-12 (.556)
NYM: 10-19 (.345)
... then what are the Mets? What are the Mets?
The lineup, their triple slashes, and such:
CF, Michael Bourn (465 PA, .248/.325/.325, 76 OPS+, 1 HR, 27 RBI, 64 R, 39 SB/10 CS, .303 wOBA). Flies like Superman to the ball on defense, but on offense he's an overcaffeinated Batman-- impatient and powerless. Still fast as hell.
SS, Angel Sanchez (137 PA, .286/.323/.373, 87 OPS+, 0 HR, 15 RBI, 14 R, .302 wOBA). Like Bourn, only not quite as good on defense, and slower. So... he's a prize. (Filling in for the injured Tommy Manzella, who's pretty much just as awful, but makes a much better marinara.)
RF, Hunter Pence (466 PA, .285/.330/.460, 111 OPS+, 16 HR, 62 RBI, 71 R, 15 SB/6 CS, .345 wOBA). Bad-ball hitter, but more Vladdy than Frenchy. Rangy, solid with the glove. Looks vaguely Mormon. He's the one we all thought hired his date to the Astros benefit.
"For an extra $500, your friend Bourn can get in on this picture."
LF, Carlos Lee (463 PA, .247/.294/.402, 86 OPS+, 15 HR, 62 RBI, 51 R, .303 wOBA). Off-off-year with the bat (like Cleveland Repertory is off-off-Broadway). Thanks be that El Caballo still fields like una cabra borracha and runs like una vaca hinchada. If you feel bad about Bay's contract... don't feel bad about Bay's contract.
2B, Jeff Keppinger (454 PA, .286/.349/.397, 101 OPS+, 5 HR, 46 RBI, 49 R, .332 wOBA). Serviceable with the glove, and-- if a little light in the power department-- with the bat... which makes him the Astros' third best hitter. No foolin'.
3B, Chris Johnson (190 PA, .360/.384/.551, 149 OPS+, 6 HR, 34 RBI, 25 R, 2 SB/0 CS, .403 wOBA). 25-year-old rookie, hitting for a spell like the oldest kid in your Little League. Leading baseball in hitting during the second half so far. Graduated from Stetson University, where he presumably majored in something like Haberdashery Sciences or Brim Creasing.
1B, Brett Wallace (43 PA, .270/.372/.324, 90 OPS+, 0 HR, 5 RBI, 4 R, .316 wOBA). This 2008 first-rounder may have found a place to call home, after being traded 17 times in the past two years; this is good, as he was probably one trade away from needing therapeutic assistance from a bearded Robin Williams. Some say he took over for Berkman after the latter left in trade for the Yankees; others say Wallace dun ate 'im.
Looking for an outside fastball... and meat pie.
The real tragedy is that we may never know the truth.
C Humberto Quintero (204 PA, .216/.251/.304, 49 OPS+, 3 HR, 11 RBI, 9 R, .244 wOBA). Y'ever wonder what Throb Barajas would look like if he didn't hit home runs? On the plus side, one day he'll get to tell his grandchildren that he played with both Lance Berkman AND the guy who ate Lance Berkman (allegedly).
The matchups:
8/16: Hawkman vs. Wandy Rodriguez (23 GS, 135.2 IP, 9-11 record, 4.18 ERA, 1.37 WHIP, 111 K, 45 BB, 3.66 FIP, 3.91 xFIP).
Wandy sucked royally for about two months. Now? Not so sucky, much more Wandy: 6-1, 1.79 ERA over the last 9 outings. He's kicked ass against the Mets in the past, as well (2-0, 1.89 ERA in 4 starts). Be warned.
Frenchy seems to hit him weirdly well (5-for-12, 3 XBH-- SSS alert!). This'll be the excuse/reason Jerry uses for popping him in over, say, FernyMart.
8/17: Johan vs. Nelson Figueroa(1 GS, 37.1 IP, 3-1 record, 3.38 ERA, 1.07 WHIP, 28 K, 9 BB, 3.36 FIP, 3.85 xFIP).
Ah, Nellyfigs. After we dumped him, he slutted it up with the Phils for a while, then came south once they broke his heart. This is his first start in red/black, replacing [crossout]late schizophrenic folksinger[/crossout]/righthander Wesley Wright.
(He's almost-assuredly throwing a two-hit shutout tomorrow night, isn't he?)
8/18: Really Awesome vs. El Pegador de las Senoras(24 GS, 164.0 IP, 8-7 record, 3.13 ERA, 1.21 WHIP, 126 K, 47 BB, 3.54 FIP, 3.81 xFIP).
Bretty Myers is pitching quite well this season, maintaining his lowest walk rate in years and suppressing HRs (0.7 per 9 IP) as if they were strong, free-thinking women. Punchy Villa doesn't do so well against the Mets, posting a 5.03 lifetime ERA over 29 games (most of the black eyes against him coming on home runs).
8/19: Misch vs. Bud Norris(18 GS, 99.2 IP, 5-7 record, 5.42 ERA, 1.49 WHIP, 108 K, 43 BB, 4.07 FIP, 3.75 xFIP).
Strikeout-and-walk artist, with a decent fastball, wicked slider, intermittently wicked change, and boyish good looks.
Mongo want outside corner!
14 Ks last time out against the Pirates could be a sign he's turning it around. (And by "it," I mean that sweet, sweet white tuchus. Shake it, Mongo! SHAKE IT, YOU SEXY BITCH!)
The Used-Tas:
The Exes in Texas: Keppinger, Figueroa, hurty Matt Lindstrom (injured, throws too fast). Matsui's gone, and Cory Hotline spent a week or three here (though it felt like five) earlier this season.
The Amazin' Astros: Beltran (though Dessens and Blanco both seem like they should have been, right?)
