Aug 27 2010 03:56 PM
Edited 6 time(s), most recently on Aug 27 2010 08:47 PM
The breakdown:
They're from Texas. The Mets played them there last week. They were crappier than a chili cookoff commode... and so were the Mets. Of late, though, they're less awful (22-16 post-break, including sweeping the Phils AT Citizens Bank leading into this series) than Metsie's been (15-24, leading the NL in sarcastic applause inspired at home games). If you have tickets to these games, I hope you get some value out of your company, the refreshments and the giveaway items (Build-a-Bear!), 'cause Lord knows you're probably not getting much on-field entertainment.
And speaking of entertainment, I'd break down the Bourns and Bourgeoises and Quinteros and Castros, but... well... they're terrible and terribly dull. Let's look at some (FLASHING JAZZ HANDS)... starrrrrrrrs!
[crossout]The lineup[/crossout]The Favorites For This Year's 'Dancing with the Stars':
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, reality star. (Jersey Shore)
Known for his abs, a fantastic nickname, and embarrassing a state of 31 million/one Metsian commercial co-star. Will pull in an estimated $5 million in 2010 for being a tan, doofy human caricature, which (A) makes me want to harm myself with blunt pencils and (B) makes him a slightly better value than Ollie.
"Hrm. Gap power."
Florence Henderson, actress. (The Brady Bunch, having sex with her TV son from The Brady Bunch, Pam commercials)
Token oldie.
Audrina Partridge, reality star. (The Hills)
Token vacuous reality-show person I don't know.
David Hasselhoff, actor/singer/impresario
Token talks-to-cars-guy/sex symbol.
"YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU DUMB GLOWING TRANS-AM BITCH!"
Jennifer Grey, actor? ("Dirty Dancing").
Nobody puts Jennifer in the corner! It's obvious that the only reason she's on this show is for the cheap thrill of reenacting her most famous career moment: the systematic destruction of her famous face due to self-loathing. (Just kidding: it'll obviously be the final tableau from It's Like, You Know. Thrilling!)
Once we outfit her with gatling-gun housings and a jet pack, the cyborg will be complete!
Brandy, singer/actress (Moesha, "Almost Doesn't Count," "The Boy is Mine")
Former teen star, judge on "America's Got Talent," singer with dancing experience. If she can stay under control, maintain focus, and stay in her figurative lane, she's got a shot to get to the end safely. If she can't, and careens out of control, God help us all.
"Oopsie!"
Rick Fox, former NBA player/actor (Oz, "The Game")
Former overrated Tar Heel. Former overrated Celtic. Left them to become a REALLY overrated Laker (the team with whom he rode Shaq/Kobe's coattails to multiple NBA champeenships). Pretty boy. Dirty player. Was married to Vanessa Williams, then cheated on her. Currently dating Joss Whedon muse/font of hotness Eliza Dushku. Now he's a dilettante actor-type. A Canadian dilettante actor-type.
He wouldn't be any more hateable if you gave him swastika contact lenses and an "I Did Your Mother... No, Really" facial tattoo.
"Activate!"
Margaret Cho, comedian?
Her comedy's matured from cheap sex and race jokes to raw, self-revelatory stories about growing up sexually ambiguous as a first-generation American. Her concert film "I'm the One That I Want"was decent, and moving in spots. She really seems comfortable in her own skin.
All of which should really help her... with competitive ballroom dancing.
See me live! For one week only!
Michael Bolton, singer (A shit-ton of soft, romantic music, some of it not Motown covers)
Those locks! Those lungs! That liver! That spleen! See, you'll make fun while you're watching ("When a man loves a woman, he doesn't subject her to this,"I am supposed to live without this guy!") but then, he's paso-dobleing, he's looking longingly into the camera afterward, you look down, and-- wham-bam, Bob's your uncle-- your pants are on the ground, you're exhausted, and you're craving a sandwich.
There's only one word for a man who doesn't seem to give a crap about what he's doing, who can turn on the canned emotion at the the drop of a hat, and-- yet-- is that effortlessly, silkily charming: sociopath. Michael Bolton is a sociopath.
"I've got something to sa-ay. I killed your baby today.".
Bristol Palin, media presence of some sort (Had unprotected sex with an idiot; has a sorta-hot, really stupid mom)
Some say she doesn't belong here. I hope she refudiates those critics, and doesn't quit halfway through to do speaking engagements. (No joke-- she earns a reported $15,000 and up per engagement. That's Bristol Palin. Earning $15K+ per speech. I need those blunt pencils again.)
"I can see a Russian from my house! And he appears to be grinding his pee-maker into my daughter's wa-wa!"
The matchups:
8/27: Pelf vs. Nelson Figueroa(3 GS, 3-1 record, 2.98 ERA, 1.08 WHIP, 39 K, 13 BB, 3.38 FIP, 3.80 xFIP).
What, you win once, and you think you're better than us, now? You TROLLOP! We never loved you... and we slept with your childhood babysitter! TWICE! AND THEN HER MOTHER!
Oh, I didn't mean that. I'm just hurting, baby. Just come back, baby. Come back. COME BACK!
8/28: Johan vs. Der Frauschlager(26 GS, 178 IP, 9-7 record, 3.08 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, 139 K, 51 BB, 3.52 FIP, 3.76 xFIP).
Somehow, he kind of matches Houston, doesn't he?
7 innings and a win last time out versus Team Flushing, with 4 Ks and a scattered 10 baserunners.
8/29: Runs AretheonethingIcan'tgiveyou vs. Bud Norris(20 GS, 112 2/3 IP, 6-7 record, 5.03 ERA, 1.43 WHIP, 116 K, 48 BB, 3.99 FIP, 3.92 xFIP).
As before he makes his hay pounding the zone with his fastball, heavily working his hard slider, and masturbating his change-up.
7 innings and a win last time out agin' us, with 4 Ks and just 4 baserunners allowed. (Deja vu!)
Those Who Swing Both Ways, AC-DCs :
We Were Once Blue and Orange: Figueroa, AndyHernandy (rescued from the pound while Keppinger heals), hurty Lindstrom, a gimpy Keppinger
We Were All Made of Stars: Beltran