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At this point, it's starting to feel just a little like the second Rolling Stones farewell tour, or the third time the Kids in the Hall came back to perform "one night only." And yes, it's got only scant nutritional value. But even if man can't live by snarky candy alone... that doesn't make Halloween any less fun, does it?
But people don't notice if you score 100 runs. They're only impressed if you have 100 RBIs, in which case they vote you to the All-Star team and give you a five-year, $65 million contract.
Yes, guys who score a lot of runs never make any money. Johnny Damon played the last 10 seasons while being paid a single Alexander the Grape-flavored Otter Pop. Jimmy Rollins works at two different Barnes and Nobles in the off-season to pay the rent on the studio apartment he shares with Ichiro. Every night Carl Crawford comes by my place, and I give him old pizza crusts to gnaw on. You should see his eyes light up when I go stuffed crust.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying all other stats are meaningless. Far from it. They are valuable and helpful when analyzing a player. As we saw in the case of Ichiro, stats can reveal a player's value when he has the misfortune of rotting on base due to mediocre teammates, or batting low in the order (the exact same batter would likely score fewer runs batting seventh than leadoff). Like all other statistics, you must look at the run in the proper context.
You just admitted that the stat you think is "most important" changes drastically based on batting order alone. Seriously, by the time you got to this point in the piece, didn't you at least think about closing that document window, clicking "Don't Save," and just shutting your computer down for a good three or eight hours? I mean, you could have taken a nap, maybe a shit and a shower, eaten a nectarine or some low-fat granola...really clear your head and reassess your whole life. Walk around the neighborhood. Play with your kids if you have them, or make some if you don't.
Then come back to the computer and be like, "Wait a minute. Runs just aren't that good a statistic. I'm going to write to my editor and take back this whole thing." [long, pregnant pause] "Should I become a painter? Yes. Yes I think I should become a painter." |
At this point you might be saying "Gee, Jer. How do you know so much about Stat Geeks anyway?" Glad you asked because the answer will surprise you.
You did extensive research on the subject before writing an article about them?
Because I, for a very brief time in my life, was one. Yes, it's true… I read the backs of guys' baseball cards. I studied the day's box scores. I committed to memory the tops of the all time career statistical rankings in dozens of categories.
But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn't know and never will. Women.
JERRY THORNTON: "FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY." |
The new Reds play defense and ignore the couches. They bounce around the clubhouse, mingling with each other and ducking the schoolboy shenanigans of [Mike] Leake, a scruffy sort who looks like he made it to the ballpark after playing hooky in high school, probably by riding his skateboard out of there. I watched Leake in the Reds' clubhouse for 20 seconds before the game Wednesday, and in those 20 seconds he slapped the naked ass of Reds executive and Hall of Famer Joe Morgan and playfully goosed a (dressed) teammate with a bat handle.
... Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Mike Leake was observed slapping the naked ass of Joe Morgan, a 67-year-old man, who is both a professional broadcaster for a national network and a team executive. This fact is so weird and creepy, to me, that I will to ignore the fact that apparently seconds after this occurred, Leake tried to clock some Giuliani Time with a different gentleman — a teammate, it seems, who, unlike 67-year-old Hall of Fame broadcaster Joe Morgan, had the decency to be wearing pants.
But in all seriousness: What the fuck was Joe Morgan doing walking around the Reds clubhouse with no pants on? Let's play a round of: "Is This Normal?"
I have read a lot of stuff about baseball in my life, but I have never come across this situation. I guess I'll go ahead and concede that this may indeed be perfectly normal — it may be commonplace that a national broadcaster/former player walks around naked in the clubhouse after games and plays grabass (literally) with the current guys. Maybe it happens all the time. Maybe Psycho Lyons slips down to the ChiSox locker room, strips to his skivvies, and hits the cold cut spread. (He dropped his pants on the field that time — this would be no weirder.) Perhaps Vin Scully heads down to the bowels of Chavez Ravine and greets the victorious Dodgers in his birthday suit, his fluid monologue never ceasing for a second. Maybe the Cubs have a fun little tradition where, after wins, Rick Sutcliffe pops down to the clubhouse, gets naked, puts clown makeup on his dick, and sings "Least Complicated" by the Indigo Girls. I don't know. If you do know, can you tell me? Seriously — in the comments, please someone tell me if it's normal for Joe Morgan to have been naked in the clubhouse after the game. |
Happy damn Halloween, everybody!
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