Apr 15 2011 01:51 PM
Edited 7 time(s), most recently on Apr 16 2011 07:37 AM
The breakdown:
Oh, these superlatively talented, supremely poised Braves. Poised to strike. Poised to build on last year's surprising success. Poised to contend again. Poised to take the NL East crown? If the first two weeks of the season are any sort of indication... not just yet.
What exactly have they been up to so far?
? 5-8 overall.
? Lost three straight series, including home series to Philly and the Fish.
? Third-worst OBP/fifth-worst BA in baseball.
? Scored 43 runs in 13 games so far, or just over 3 RPG, fifth-worst in baseball
? Scratched on the opening ball in 27 separate postgame pool matches at area taverns
? Failed to break 12 different pinatas at children's birthday parties in greater Atlanta
"These visions of Dan Uggla... they kept me up past the dawn."
They've put up fewer points on the board than a blind man playing pub darts. They score less than a Mormon with cold sores. Their bats are weaker than Dracula after going to town, buffet-style, on Rolando Paulino. They're worse with the stick than an overcaffeinated student driver. They bring less relative firepower to the table than a New Yorker at a Texas NRA BBQ. They walk less than an American (zing!). Your imaginary cartoon-Italian grandmother thinks "They suck-ah the big-ah wart-filled-ah horsedick-ah with'a da baseball stick-ah like-ah you cousin Gina does with-ah the fooootbol team, si?" (Your imaginary cartoon-Italian grandmother needs to cool it on the vulgarity, man.)
What does new manager Fredi Gonzalez think?
| “You look at the back of their bubblegum cards. They’re going to hit.” |
Yes, Fredi. In the same way that we are all going to die.
F’reals, though... all joking and small-sample-supported crotch-shots aside? They're good, and they'll be good. The lineup's staffed mostly with rock-solid vets and studded with real blue-chippers. The pitching staff is deeper than a Bergman film scripted by Kierkegaard (they've posted a 3.42 ERA despite missing Jair Jurrjens and key bullpen cog/spot starter Kris Medlen). Teheran and Minor and Schafer and Jose Costanza lurk in the high minors like snipers in the trees, just waiting for their cues to fire from Frank Wren. And given that the rest of the NL East consists of the unfailingly-flaccid Fish and the perpetually-three-years-away Beltways... these are the best hopes to knock off youse favorites down I-95.
How should you feel about these guys? Consider the Chick-Fil-A. Or, speaking more precisely, consider the plight of the gay Chick-fil-A fan.
"God hates f-gs... and dry chicken sandwiches."
So, you're raised a loyal Georgian/fan of the 'wich, and you love your crunchy, tender platonic-ideal-of-a-chicken-sammich Chick-fil-A like any good ol' boy/boyette with taste buds would, right? Only...
| “News that a Pennsylvania outlet of the Georgia-based food chain had agreed to provide some of its famous chicken sandwiches for an upcoming marriage seminar by one of the state’s leading anti-gay organizations has created an online firestorm and forced members of Chick-fil-A’s fanatic base to choose whether to boycott their beloved sandwich in the name of solidarity with the gay community. Chick-fil-A has long been transparent about its Christian values. They close their stores on Sundays—a practice that has helped the chain garner the nickname ‘Jesus Chicken,’ and have even gone so far as to consider a potential employee’s marital status and civic/church involvement in their hiring process. But while the company’s beliefs come as no surprise, in sponsoring the Art of Marriage Conference, some say the restaurant empire took its evangelizing to a new level.” |
So... what to do, right? Do you stand with the righteous, or with the cynics? The clear-eyed, lean men and women of principle... or the smug, shameless fuckers standing over there with greasy fingers and big, deep-fried cow eyes and contented smiles? Your moral imperative leads you one way... but is it really a moral imperative, or a relatively pointless stand-on-principle? We could argue about the utility of a boycott, whether personal or organized; one suspects that Chick-fil-A-- the closed-on-Sundays fast-food restaurant-- is going to do what they do, really, regardless of how many protests they receive. And if it's not a staple of your diet, upstanding gay/lesbian youngun', then you're not REALLY filling their coffers all that much...
Well, the choice is personal and individual. So, too, will be the choice about whether to wish the Braves well... especially after the Mets inevitably, finally fall by the divisional wayside (sorry, Ceetar).
Listen, the Braves are the Braves-- those purveyors of impossibly-precise outside-corner fastballs, heartbreaking walkoffs, and cocky crackers who name their daughters after our stadium-- and it makes all the moral sense in the world to hate them, and refuse to lend them your support, however temporary. I get it. But just this year, come October... well... watching the children of Philadelphia leak chubby, malt-liquor-infused tears a little when someone else takes the NL East crown would be one savory end-of-season sandwich, wouldn't it?
The lineup:
The Orioles having exhumed Derrek Lee's corpse for reinterment at Camden Yards (call them sentimentalists), Atlanta is starting this year's hot young thang at first instead. Otherwise... surprisingly static for a expected contender with so many in-season "connecting flights" over the last couple of seasons.
C—Brian McCann-- .340/.380/.468, 129 OPS+. Dozens and dozens of doubles and dingers. Oh, yeah, this is his age-27 year, so he’s ostensibly entering his prime now. It’s okay to want to harm yourself right now.
1B—Freddie Freeman—.214/.283/.286, 55 OPS+. 12 total bases in 13 games. He’s hitting like Brad Emaus: First Baseman Edition. With a long minor-league track record of solid batsmanship, and some power, even (18 HR in Gwinnett last year), he should and likely will get better than this, someday soon. (And if he doesn’t, there’s always the hope that the Atlanta Repertory Theater will remake The Goonies for the stage.)
Actually, speaking of Emaus...
Let's not speak of this again.
2B—Dan Uggla—Tied for the team lead with 3 home runs… and is also hitting .160/.192/.360, with a 46 OPS+. Well, at least he’ll give you the glove!
3B—Larry Jones—Never heard of him.
SS—Alex Gonzalez— Putting up a robusto .234/.265/.404, con 79 OPS+. The best part is, he’s the fourth-most productive guy on the team with these numbers.
LF—Martin Prado— .268/.276/.411, 84 OPS+. Versatile hombre with pop and a little speed, who just happens to be slotted in the place on the diamond—first base excepted—where his bat might “play” the worst.
CF—Nate McLouth— .222/.286/.289, 57 OPS+. He’s still there? After the absolute bedwetting (.190/.298/.322, terrible defense, -1.2 WAR in 288 PA) he gave them last year? Holy Wrentasm; if I ever accidentally kill somebody and need to “lam it” for a while, I know in which NL East outfield I’m hiding out. Still, congrats on holding the job, Castillo-of-the-Outfield.
Awwww.... he's pretending he hit it out to right! Isn't that adowwable?
RF—Jason Heyward— .237/.408/.553, 158 OPS+. 11 BB/7 K. Think pitchers don’t have him circled in this lineup? We'll pitch to him, at least. We'll pitch to anybody! ANYBODY! HA!
/Pulls out Mets giveaway commemorative scarf
//Strangles self
The bench:
C—David Ross— Veteran righty with some pop. Not Georgian. You may remember him from a game-breaking GS against Niese last August during Mike Minor’s debut. You will remember him from a game-breaking GS against Byrdak or Buchholz this weekend, or when they come to Citi in a few weeks.
1B/OF— Eric Hinske— Veteran lefty slugger with some pop. Not Georgian. He’ll do the same as Ross, only with Parnell, probably.
IF— Brooks Conrad— Switch-hitter with a little pop. Born in California, went to school in Arizona. So, yeah… not Georgian. Weird, right? He really should be Georgian.
A heated Conrad, after losing a disputed 40-meter race to Gabe Kaplan in Battle of the Network Stars
OF— Matt Young— Married into Georgianity.
IF— Brandon Hicks— 1/16 Georgian on his maternal grandmother's side.
C— J.C. Boscan— Not Georgian, but he studied "You Might Be A Redneck" abroad in Abbeville for a semester.
The matchups:
4/15: D.J. Carrasco vs.
Derek Lowe— (1-2, 1.45 ERA, 1.07 WHIP, 15 K/5 BB, 1 HR allowed) Sinkerballer. Epitome of “dude.” Against NYM: 4-5, 5.75 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, .317 BABIP, 29-to-21 K/BB ratio in 17 G/11 starts… but a 2.96 ERA/1.15 WHIP last year in 4 starts. Pagan (.556 OPS in 18 PAs) and Beltran (.200 lifetime with no XBH in 39 PA) look like poop against him; Wright does all right (.500 slugging in 28 PA), as do Murph and Thole.
4/16: Pelf vs.
Jair Jurrjens—Back from injury rehab for an oblique strain to make his season debut. Walks and/or strikes out the park, as epitomized by his weird, weird debut as a Metly opponent in 2008. Aces against the Mets/the league in 2009, aching and awful in 2010. We'll see which one we get, I guess.
4/17: Eating Clubber vs.
Tommy F. Hanson— (1-2, 3.37 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 8 K/5 BB, 2 HR allowed) Suffering from a little bad luck early on—with hits dropping in like unwanted relatives at a catered family party during his first two starts, both on the road—Hanson righted things a bit last time out with 7 shutout innings against the Fish. Career numbers against Metsie: 3-1, 1.76 ERA, 0.95 WHIP, .191 BABIP, 29-to-8 K/BB ratio in 5 starts (4 last year). Current Mets have five career XBH against him in 108 PA. GUH.
"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by GEICO)
"Top-to-bottom, this is one top-notch pen. Guys like longman Christhian Martinez and LOOGY Eric O'Flaherty, you won't see them unless things get out of hand. But George Sherrill-- he used to be a closer, and that means something that I can't enunciate or even figure out. Guys like Pete "Vegemite Dingo Ayers Rock" Moylan (he’s Scots or something, I think) and Scott Linebrink, if they’re off… you may be able to work a walk or two off them. Guys like Jonny Venters or Craig Kimbrel... well, they’re fastball-slider "bullpen guys" through and through, and they're untouchable. You get a hit off of them in a dream, well, then… you wouldn’t. You couldn't hit them in a dream, that’s how unbelievably good they are. And, coming from Kentucky and Alabama, respectively, they know their way around a catfish just like they know their way around a late-inning jam. They bring so much damp, oppressive heat, I’m getting Hard-sfield-Jackson just thinking about it. Guys?"
Exes:
Braves from Metstock:
Save the bargain-basement mascot rip-off and hairy poopstick/erstwhile Metropolitan Blaine Boyer? None. As it should be.
Mets from Bravestock:
Willie F. Harris. Really, I’m just amazed he’s never been a Phil, a Yank, a Celtic, Man U's manager, or a salary-cap guru for the Patriots.
LGM.
