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Please note that I picked Houston specifically so I could use this as a thread title.
Wow, I blanked on this task repeatedly and with vigor. So, here, for your digestion and regurgitation, is your Cliff Notes Houston KTE. I will try to maintain my normal standard of pop culture errata and cock jokes and educate your Metly selves in the process.
In town for a three game set, all games are 7:05 starts.
Catcher: Humbierto Quintero .270 BA, .325 OBP, .405 SLG, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 6 R. His name is Spanish for "Five Women with Large Labia." You'll notice a trend with these jokers, in fact, not a single player on the 2011 Astros' current roster has more than a single HR.
1B: Brett Wallace .260/.362/.360, 1 HR, 6 RBI, 7 R. One time hot shot Cardinals prospect, getting his first chance at extended playing time this year. No relation to big, black, bald Marcellus Wallace or heroin sniffing wife Mia Wallace.
2B: Bill Hall .204/.232/.333 1 HR 6 RBI 5 R. Castoff former Brewer and Twin once hit 35 HRs in a season. Now best known for being REALLY black.
3B: Chris Johnson .208/.283/.313 1 HR 7 RBI 5 R. Second year guy manning the hot corner. Could these guys have more generic sounding names? I suspect they're relocated federal witnesses. No one would ever look for a guy at an Astros game.
SS: Angel Sanchez .302/.338/381 1 HR 9 RBI 11 R. Hitting for average, at least. Former Royals/Red Sox infielder, he's Luis Castillo without the
paycheck. Hit his first major league HR this year.
LF: Carlos Lee (aka El Caballo, Spanish for "the Horse," aka well hung locker room guy) .234/.269/.375 1 HR 9 RBI 9 R. Former stud hitter with ChiSox and Texas, signed a big deal a few years ago and at age 35 is clearly on the downward slide. If I were Carlos, and someone offered me a ride to the glue factory, I'd be awfully nervous.
CF: Michael Bourn .268/.349/.411 0 HR 4 RBI 13 R 7 SB. Leadoff guy, gold glove outfielder, steals a lot of bases and doesn't do much else. Think Juan Pierre, except he looks less like MC Hammer than Juan does.
RF: Hunter Pence .297/.348/.453 1 HR 12 RBI 5 R. The team's best hitter though he, like the rest of the lineup, not hitting for real power yet. I named one of my fantasy baseball teams "Pooed My Hunter Pence."
Bench: JR Towles, Matt Downs, Jason Michaels (former Phillie), Jason Bourgeois and Joe "Proletariat" Inglett. Nothing to see here, keep moving.
SP Tuesday: Niese vs. Wandy Rodriguez (0-2, 7.31 ERA, 11 K, 3 BB in 16 IP) Wand-Rod has had some success the last few years but is clearly a 2nd half pitcher. He's been eminently hittable so far in 2011.
SP Wednesday: RA Dickey vs Bud Norris (1-1, 5.06 ERA, 20/6 K/BB). Has been their second best pitcher this year. Has a name that makes me think he was once in a fraternity and made other members of that fraternity carry an ice cube with their ass cheeks. "CARRY IT! BECAUSE BUD NORRIS SAID SO!"
SP Thursday: Capuano vs JA Happ (1-2, 5.79, 10/11). Former Phillie. JA does not in fact stand for "Jewish American" or "Jack Ass" but James Anthony. Happless.
Closer: Brandon Lyon (0-1, 5.06 ERA, 3 SV). Throws hard, has only a vague idea of what the ball is going to do. Perfect.
Former Mets in Houston: Nelson Figueroa. Word is his wife cried until Houston signed him. Then cried when he played. Crying right now.
Former Astros in NY: Carlos Beltran (briefly), Byrdak, Buchholz
Manager: Brad "General" Mills
My prediction? Pain. FOR THEM! Oh yea, I went there.
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