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Sometime in the offseason I had a dream that I was riding the 7 train, whose tracks wound so close to Shea that you could see center field very clearly. It was from my train in this dream that I watched Justin Upton catch the final out of an NLDS game against the Mets. Damn it, I thought, we just lost to the Diamondbacks in the playoffs — what a dismal turn of events from 1999.
Of course it was all a dream. The Mets and Diamondbacks have not played against each other in the postseason in a dozen years and neither squadron is expected to attack the playoffs this year. But since the Snakes lingered in my subconscious one fitful night/morning in 2011 (as did Shea, I suppose), I figured I’d take this KTE.
What I didn't figure is I know almost nothing about the Diamondbacks as presently constituted and have little interest in them, but let’s see what we’ve got...
First off, what a bunch of ex-Mets! It’s like they all retired to Scottsdale to clear their sinuses. Four on the active roster: Putz, Mora, Blanco and Nady (what a random assortment of mostly four-letter words). Aaron Heilman went on the DL with shoulder tendinitis on April 15, the sixth anniversary of his one-hitter vs. Josh Beckett, back when he was a briefly promising starter (it was, you Happiest Recap devotees will immediately recognize, the runnerup for “best” 10th game in Mets history). My image of Heilman is that of a pitcher always trying to loosen his shoulders, or talk himself out of slumping or perhaps shrugging, so no wonder he came down with that. Mora’s been aching as well. He’s 102; of course he’s aching.
Fuck Heilman for that home run to Molina. I never blamed him while he wore the uniform. I continually blame him now.
Mets who used to be Diamondbacks: Chris Capuano (who one of our UK-based FAFIF readers has nicknamed “Caps”), D.J. Carrasco and Chip Hale, bench coachwise. Blaine Boyer was a Diamondback, but he’s not a Met anymore, so as one of my former magazine art directors liked to say of any man he had no use for, “Well, screw her!”
Matchups on the mound:
FRIDAY — Joe Saunders vs. Mike Pelfrey. Between them they have an ERA over 16. Most of that is Pelf’s, but happily, not all of it. Pelfrey has been — hold on to your hats — snakebit (HA!) by the Diamondbacks through his career, 0-5, with a 6.69 ERA. That’s more snakeslain, I suppose, as snakebit implies bad luck (as I learned from Bob Murphy where Mickey Lolich was concerned in 1976). Pelfrey got fucked by Billy Wagner winwise in 2008 when he was going for a shutout in the Last Days of Willie Randolph. Otherwise, he’s sucked on merit against Arizona. Saunders, meanwhile, is a lefty...and has pitched poorly, most recently giving up five runs in 6.2 innings to the Jints last Sunday. He came over from the Angels for Dan Haren last summer. When I first saw his name in the probables, I thought of Tony Saunders, annoying Marlin from 1997.
SATURDAY — Barry Enright vs. Dillon Gee. I seem to recall righty Enright being a blah prospect with no track record before handling the Mets at some in the last year when the Mets were tumbling downhill. It was last year, I just confirmed. His ERA is as bad as Saunders, so watch out for him. Gee, on the other hand, is invincible since his wife met the Spitter in D.C.
SUNDAY — Armando Galarraga vs. Jon Niese. How the perfect have fallen. Three-and-oh, yes, but with a 6.00 ERA, but mostly “fallen” in the sense that the Tigers felt no compulsion to keep the author of the most famous fraudulent one-hitter in baseball history around. Assume he still has the Corvette. Mets faced the righty last year in one of those frustrating signal games in which they hit him well but didn’t win. This was toward the end of their deceptive rise to nine games over .500 in late June. Niese would have to be considered a big, fucking disappointment, but can only be framed a moderately mild disappointment considering Pelfrey is a much bigger, fucking disappointment.
Randy Johnson will not pitch in this series, so Joe McEwing will sit.
SELECTED STATS:
Justin Upton, who is a right fielder in real life, is batting .297 in his last ten games. Kelly Johnson, of whom I once blogged a crack that I believe would make Fman proud, is batting .188 overall — fuck him and his kelly Johnson; fucking Brave. Willie Bloomquist has stolen seven bases and struck out six times. Ten years from now, I’m going to be surprised Willie Bloomquist has been retired eight years.
GENERAL VIBE:
Mets used to crush the Diamondbacks. Remember that whole “can’t lose at the BOB/Chase Field” thing? That’s over. Mets sucked in Arizona the last two years (1-6) and OMG at Citi Field, losing four of six to these crimson chumps, most disgustingly on HOF Day when Oliver Perez pitched and Frank Cashen wept. Best news is Mark Reynolds is no longer a Diamondback, so the air traffic controllers at La Guardia can resume their naps. Worst news is a bunch of guys still are, whereas he Met who started our sole winning rally against AZ last year, Jesus Feliciano...who batted and slugged .111 as a Bison to start the year, so now he’s a not-so-hot Binghamton Met.
The Diamondbacks are 8-9, no great shakes and not interesting enough to make me probe any deeper. I hate them with the passion of a thousand Astros (now that the Astros have left down). Let’s take one of one tonight and talk about Saturday Saturday. Saturday, pending rain, I’ll be at the game to see them with my friend Joe who confirmed for me that the last time we saw them together was that horrific doubleheader in 2002 when Benitez blew the first game, wasting a Fonzie home run, and John Thomson spit the bit in his Met debut directly thereafter, as the Mets began their descent to oblivion (0-15 at Shea that August; fuck). There were 50,000 people at the start of game one, 5,000 to start game two. it was going so badly even Joe wanted to leave by the sixth inning of the nightcap, and Joe is a fucking scorebook warrior when it comes to not leaving Mets games.
Anyway, one at a time. Fuck Collins and his fucking “we’ll take eight of our next ten” bullshit. Learn from Bobby V, the master of ONE GAME AT A TIME you holler-guy asshole. (KTE G-Fafif is G-Fafif with the bark stripped bare, especially when saddled with a cold and needing to wrap this up to get to the doctor to have stitches removed from a finger he stupidly cut open a week ago — details here if you care.) True, I wasn’t that happy with Valentine when he told Mo Vaughn to stow it when Vaughn suggested the game after that was a must-win because BV was trying to maintain an even keel, but there are exceptions to every rule.
Also, pitch like a fucking major leaguer, Pelfrey and stop making me fantasizing about trading you to some team who thinks they can save you. (See? No inner monologue — no wonder I have weird dreams about the Diamondbacks.)
To end on a happy note, Finley jumped and he missed it. Tank rules. Fuck you, Justin Upton. You’re never playing a playoff game at Shea Stadium. You’re certainly not winning one.
And for those of you who require actual in-depth information on this subject, boy does Adam Rubin have a load for you.
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