May 05 2011 10:20 PM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on May 06 2011 08:14 AM
Unhappy Juan is only one of the Dodgers' troubles. Although they come in with a better record than us, pythagoreus is going to go Greek on their asses if things continue as they have. They have scored less and surrendered more than we have on average. They're old, and despite having two of the best hitters and a few very good pitchers, they suck.
Let's meet the Dodgers' starting lineup.
Jamey Carroll, SS: You probably remember the Expos once had a reserve insect named Jamey Carroll. Same guy! Only now he's 37 years old and a starting shortstop, and not having all that bad a year: 280/342 but slumping recently.
Aaron Miles, 2B: You probably remember the Cardinals once had a reserve insect... blah blah (Thanks Tracky!). He's 34 and like Carroll, a stinky singles hitter. May see time lost to Ivan DeJesus, who's now 63. Oh wait, this is his son, Ivan DeJesus Jr., who's 24 and still looking for his first extra base hit this year.
Andre Ethier, RF: Father is Canadian and mom is Mexican. Uncle and lookalike is Ron Darling. He brings a sore elbow and a 29-game hitting streak to New York.
Matt Kemp, CF: Really the best player on the Dodgers. Steals, hits homers, catches the ball in CF, hits cleanup. He can be whiffed, but be careful of this guy.
Juan Uribe, 3B: Chubby free agent ex-Giant off to the kind of bad start that inspires hipster baseball fans to tumble in their pants. Gets hit by a lot of pitches. Actually better recently but may share assignments with 37-year-old Casey Blake who's OPSing near 1000 for no discernable reason.
James Loney, 1B: Should change his name to James Worthless. OPS 490. OPS+ 38. May lose his job to youngster Jerry Sands, but probably not yet.
Rod Barajas, C: Big Rod was engorged with a rush of blood ... relatives upon his trade to the hometown Dodgers last year. You ladies will remember, he still comes quick: 5 HRs in April. We'll likely see his washed-out prospect backup, Dionner Navarro, this weekend too.
Tony Gwynn, LF: At 28, gotta be depressing to know he's not going to suddenly turn into his dad. 302 OBP.
The bench includes such superstars as 33-year-old Rafael Furcal (36 OPS+); and 34-year-old outfielders Marcus Thames and Jay Gibbons.
The pitching matchups look to be
Friday: Niese v. Hiroki Kuroda
Sat: Young v. Jon Garland
Sun: Dickey v. Clayton Kershaw
We'll see two of their better starters this weekend. Kuroda is a right-handed [crossout]Korean[/crossout] Japanese control pitcher with a team-best 3.10 ERA. Garland is an average guy with average stuff and average results. Kershaw is a hard-throwing lefty strikeout pitcher and a first-rounder from Texas: Tough, religious, ugly, throws inside, married his high school sweetheart, you know the type. He can be beaten with walks, high pitch counts and HRs but its not so easy.
In the event I screwed up the probables, they also hurl shitty veteran Ted Lilly and righty Chad Billingsley who will shoot your eye out.
We're a bit unfortunate, I think, that the Dodgers just this week finally threw in the towel on their ineffective and obese closer, Jonathan Broxton, who'd been a complete disaster and is now officially shut down. It's not clear whether veteran converted starter Vincente Padilla, struggling lefty Kid Pro Kuo or surprise journeyman Matt Guerrier will get the save opportunities at this point. Promising young fireballer Kenley Jansen was recently sent to the Isotopes to get his shit together: He was whiffing 15 guys per 9 but with an 8 ERA. Tough to do. Their other bullpenners include well-traveled fastballer Mike MacDougal and our friend from that St. Louis game last year, Blake "Lincoln" Hawksworth.
Barajas is the only ex-Met but I was tempted to check on Jay Gibbons.
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