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KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May 24,

Edgy MD May 24 2011 12:54 PM

Post moved down under LWFS's post.

Edgy MD May 24 2011 12:58 PM Re: Know Thy Bear Cubs

Actually, LWFS is lined up for this one, so let's see what he's got.

Gwreck May 24 2011 01:04 PM Re: Know Thy Bear Cubs

Carlos Pena is on first, having signed a 1 year, $10M deal in the offseason, coming over from Tampa (as a free agent, not in the Matt Garza deal). Carlos hit 144 homers over the last four seasons with Tampa but check out these numbers: .282/.411/.627 in 2007 .247/.377/.494 .227/.356/.537 .196/.325/.407 in 2010. Ouch. He's sitting at .216/.359/.360 this year, with 5 homers and isn't doing anything special with the glove either. Edit: oops, will wait for LWFS.

themetfairy May 24 2011 01:29 PM Re: Know Thy Bear Cubs

OMG - I love that smiling little child on the right!

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr May 24 2011 01:32 PM KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago) Edited 5 time(s), most recently on May 25 2011 10:08 AM

The breakdown: Ground Ball Butcher of the World, Day Gamer, Drinker of Wheat Beer, Players with Great Salary Demands and the Nation's Worst-Aging Skill-Sets; Striking, walking, plunking, City of the Big-ERA Holders: They tell me you are terrible and I believe them, for I have seen your face-painted women under the sticky Wrigleyville bar tables, blowing the frat boys, while there are 2 on in the seventh with a one-run lead. And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it is true I have seen the big brown pitcher dude go absolutely apeshit on your Gatorade cooler with a bat; that’s probably whence the dent came. And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the faces of women and children I have seen the marks of confusion and fear as they watch the big brown pitcher dude go apeshit on said cooler. And having answered so I turn once more to those who sneer at this my team, and I notice they are wearing a fucking Sox jersey, give them back the sneer and say to them: Come and show me another team with a 20-25 record so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning and not in last place yet. Flinging frenetic yelps amid the toil of piling hit on hit, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the little soft ivy; Fierce as a bleacher-bro with tongue lapping for spilled Old Style, curling up with tension as an Aramis facing a pop up, Bluecapped, Swinging, Contact-making, Grounding out, Because his isoP is about 100 points less than it was in his prime, Under the sausage, relish all over their mouths, dudes yelling between stained teeth, Under the terrible burden of all those grotesque midwestern asses crumpling your stadium’s seats, sadly laughing with strain Laughing even as an ignorant Chicagoan laughs who has never had a real pizza, Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is a healthy pulse, and under his ribs the heart of a diseased septugenarian, Laughing! Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of that Dempster guy after some half-assed prank, half-naked and sweating like a reanimated Chris Farley, proud to be Ground-Ball Butcher, Day Gamer, Drinker of Wheat Beer, Players with Great Salary Demands and the Nation’s Worst Aging Skill-Sets. Let’s Play Three. "You want me to have a 'slice'? Seriously? That shit's casserole." The lineup: An intriguing mix on paper of the talented/recently-promoted and the talented/soon-to-be-embalmed… most of whom seem to be named after drugstore mens’ fragrances. C—Koyie Hill—.227/.292/.386, 80 OPS+. Soto’s out with a strained vagine. Hill’s got a strong back, and ain’t afraid to work. Funny thing? This year, this isn't that much of a drop-off. 1B—Carlos Pena—.216/.359/.360, 94 OPS+. Chicago’s been unusually cold this spring. That’s good for Pena, since the putrid odor of what his career has become won’t spread fully from field to stands until mid-June at earliest. No pop, no hits, and the glove's a little iffier than it used to be... he's still walking, and has his health, though. That's something. 2B—Darwin Barney—.315/.343/.394, 97 OPS+. Doesn’t strikeout (14 K in 176 PA). Also, doesn’t reach the outfield on a fly very often (9 XBH on the year). Nice range on the rookie. 3B—Aramis Ramirez—.296/.354/.389, 99 OPS+. His power’s been in brownout for nearly two months now; he’s being outslugged by the middle-infielders. Given that he’s looking increasingly Tejadan in the field, that’s pretty f-ing ominous. SS—Starlin Castro—.323/.347/.432, 108 OPS+. Along with exciting-- if boom-or-bust-- defense and 4 steals. He doesn’t walk, though, so the Tribune and Sun-Times are probably pushing an intermittent series of “Trade Starlin” articles, right? LF— Alfonso Soriano—.265/.294/.510, 111 OPS+. 11 HRs, 46 Ks in 182 PA. Same loping, intermittently focused defense. Same cannon arm. Having outlasted Pinella, he’s like a cartoon retriever-puppy-version of himself at this point. And how can you hate a retriever, really? CF— Reed Johnson—.370/.426/.648, 184 OPS+. Johnson—formerly the right-hand side of an effective RF platoon—will cover this for a while, it seems. Marlon Byrd had been doing his usual more-than-credible job negotiating the ivy and opposing pitchers until getting the Conigliaro treatment by Alfredo Aceves last weekend. He’s out indefinitely. “I have my vision, no brain damage, so it could’ve been worse,” he said. “No complaints.” Johnson, who’s okay with the glove but doesn’t cover all that much ground, will be backed by dance champion/cocaine kingpin Tony Campana in the late innings. RF—Kosuke Fukudome (.310/.431/.345, 111 OPS+). Getting on base like Ty Cobb. Getting ahold of the ball like Alex Cora. The bench: C—Wellington Castillo. I had this in a LES bistro once; I wasn’t expecting much, and yet the flavor was still surprisingly weak. The chef really dropped the ball on this one. 1B/2B/3B/OF—Jeff Baker. This supersub/ex-Rockie will pop up in all sorts of odd places and produce all manner of unpleasant tension and surprises. Have Tums at the ready. 2B/3B/LF—Blake DeWitt. I know this guy from Exeter. Summers in Hyannis, mixes one hell of a Salty Dog. Don't leave him alone with your daughters, though. OF—Tony Campana. Just up from the minors. Not much of a bat, but he has speed, and tends the bar across the floor, working from 8-to-4. He’s young, and he has Lola—who could ask for more? The matchups: Hawkman vs. Ryan Dempster (10 GS, 2-4, 6.91 ERA, 1.57 WHIP, 52 K/21 BB, 11 HR allowed)—Batters are making contact and balls are flying out of the park against the Cubs’ resident prankster at career-record-shattering rates. Some of it’s bad luck, and some of it’s a less-effective slider this year. Either way… let it whip, boyos. Gee Thing vs. Casey Coleman (7 GS, 2-3, 6.03 ERA, 1.89 WHIP, 25 K/25 BB, 4 HR allowed)—23-year-old sophomore, with a rotation spot cemented as much by injury as the fact that he’s pitching about as “well” as the other guys. Mildly impressive last year in limited action (4.23 ERA with 5 QS in 8 starts). This year, he’s been up and down and over and out, a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a guy who walks more mammals than a zookeeper. That’s life. Revived Anchor vs. Carlos Zambrano(10 GS, 4-2, 4.88 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 41 K/22 BB, 5 HR allowed)— Strikeouts way down (career low 5.9K/9). Walks, hits... not so. He’s been workmanlike but not especially good against the Mets (3.56 lifetime ERA over 12 starts), or of late (4.85 ERA/1.37 WHIP in four May starts). Foul off a couple of pitches every now and again, and he’ll be gone after 5 or 6, terrorizing a space-heater with a machete or yelling at a box of shoelaces in the clubhouse. "Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by GEICO) "Guys that you’ll see early in the game—if, say, a guy like Dempster gets beaten up by the away guys—like James Russell or Scott Maine? Second-chance starters, basically. Guys with nasty stuff like Jeff Samardzija, you’d expect to have made a place for themselves by now, but he’s still scuffling along, putting guys on base (8.5 BB/9) as often as he strikes out guys (9.9 K/9). Guys like John Grabow we call “Tim Byrdak” out East—must be a regional thing, like “pop” or thinking our President is a Muslim. But the back end of the bullpen is spicier than a mouthful of sport peppers. Guys like Marshall and a revived Kerry Wood set things up like a skilled Second City improviser, and Marmol’s got more gas than your typical Bears fan, post-tailgate. Guy’s fastball is deadly… and it sure isn’t silent. Ricobene’sbreadedsteaksandwichGreatLakesAl’sItalianBeefBillMurrayTony’sDeliKielbasaWrigleyVilleOldStylefistfulsofpierogies. Guys?” Exes: Little bears born of men: I could’ve sworn Reed Johnson had been. I think I'm thinking of Brady Clark. Mets born of bear: A returning Pagan? (But he was ours first!)

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr May 24 2011 01:34 PM Re: Know Thy Bear Cubs

My fault-- kinda opened the book on this one last week, then forgot about it until this morning. All done and posted.

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 24 2011 01:39 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)

Holy shit.

TransMonk May 24 2011 01:45 PM Re: Know Thy Bear Cubs

Do they have any living fans who saw/remember their last World Championship?

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr May 24 2011 01:54 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

Presumably, no.

G-Fafif May 24 2011 02:02 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

LWFS: KTE'er of the big shoulders.

Edgy MD May 24 2011 02:06 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

Now I know the Cubs like I share a den with them.

Edgy MD May 24 2011 02:54 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

The Cubs sit in fifth place in baseball's only six-team division, 7.0 games behind the rival Cardinals. Their catcher (who I now see is injured) is Geovany Soto, of the baseball hotbed that is Rio Piedras, Puerto Rico, which gave the world Angel Pagan, Rey Sanchez, Ruben Gotay, and Jose Oquendo, among dozens of others. Geovany came on like a dream, peaches and cream, in his all-star rookie season of 2008, stunk in 2009, was very good again last year, and stinks again this year. Catching is hard. One year, your the outstanding rookie in the league; the next, you stink like day-old fish. He bats right, throws right, and his name seems to be a phonetic spelling of the Italian Giovanni, an equivelant of John. He was a yawner of a minor-league prospect until one year he found Heaven in Iowa and hit .353 with 35 homers. Suspicious much? Maybe. His stinky 2009 was also notable as he missed out on catching in the World Baseball Classic after testing postive for marijuana. Do the biggies test for mj, or is that just a WBC thing? Because I imagine those who don't smoke sense in the bigs are in the minority, and have it soaked into their skin from being around those who do. He's sort of like a Puerto Rican Mike Piazza in that he's manly enough to be able to grow facial hair in a few hours... ...but when he tries to keep it under control, it kind of comes out as effeminate. You may notice from that shot that he's done some eyebrow shaping too. Finally, he's been know to carry a man-purse. (It's a Coach, for all you bagwatchers out there. Hey, bitches!!) Geovany likes to cook and if he had a superpower, it would be to control minds. He has a wife, but I can't find her. Presumably she's into that eybrow thing. He has three homers and 12 ribbies. He's backed up by Koyie Hill, who is hitting even worsely. Koyie is a switch hitter, however, which is a cool thing for a catcher to be. He can also play some outfield and third base in a pinch, so he's an asset to a roster, if not to a lineup. his wife is named Meghan and like Soto, he has two daughters. He's real popular with the chicks. Who's on first?

themetfairy May 24 2011 02:59 PM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

Nice collaborative knowledge here!

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr May 25 2011 10:10 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

Holy crap-- I never noticed Soto's pronounced Piazzaness before. (Right down to the eyebrow-shaping.)

TransMonk May 25 2011 10:21 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May Edited 1 time(s), most recently on May 25 2011 10:24 AM

Piazza had shaped eyebrows? I always thought that was a LoDuca/Wright thing. Has Soto ever had platinum dyed hair?

themetfairy May 25 2011 10:23 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

metirish May 25 2011 10:24 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

great KET's

TransMonk May 25 2011 10:25 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Benjamin Grimm May 26 2011 09:51 AM Re: KTE, 5/24-27: Poetic License (@ Chicago)Posted: Tue May

TransMonk wrote: And people thought he was gay???