May 27 2011 11:05 AM
Edited 1 time(s), most recently on May 27 2011 02:46 PM
KTE: Phuck Those Guys
The Phillies are 31-19, first in the NL East and 7.5 games up on the Mets. So, it's KTE time once again kids, and I've been thinking about the best way to educate you, my Metly cohorts, wisecrackers and assgrabbers. And what I've come up with is this.
Let's disarm them.
No, not robotically separating their arms the way they make potted meat. (Though I'd watch this if it were on Spike TV.). What I mean is, let's try to take the sting out of the fact that they have better hitting and pitching than us by comparing each player to the Muppet that they most resemble, either physically, intellectually or spiritually. After all, we're not going to be intimidated by a bunch of puppets, right? Plus, I believe most of the Phllly players actually enjoy having a man's hand thrust up into their posterior for purposes of mind control and/or entertainment.
This should work fine. And away we go!
Catcher: Carlos Ruiz (.247 BA/.351 OBP/.371 SLG, 2 HR, 10 RBI). Putting up career numbers more or less in line with what he's done in the past, can occasionally turn on a pitch, hits at the ass end of the order. Corresponding Muppet: Beaker (because he's stupid looking)
1st Base: Ryan Howard (.253/.338/.500, 11 HR, 38 RBI). The big power threat, nearly twice the HRs as anyone else on the team, as per usual. Corresponding Muppet: Link Hogthrob (big nostrils, hunky leading male type)
2nd Base: Chase Utley (.143/.200./.357, 1 HR, 1 RBI). His season just started this past week after a spring training injury shelved him. Hit his first HR of 2011 on Thursday. Corresponding Muppet: Rizzo the Rat (because he's a fucking rat)
3rd Base: Placido Polanco (.323/.363/.417, 3 HR, 27 RBI, 25 R). Clutch hitting this year,
solid defender. Corresponding Muppet: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (giant head)
Shortstop: Jimmy Rollins (.264/.341/.363, 3 HR, 15 RBI, 29 R, 9 SB). Having a very
league-average year at SS. The luster's come off this penny as he isn't the hitter he was
3-4 years ago. Who among us is, really. Corresponding Muppet: Janice from Electric Mayhem (long hair, goofy smile and fucks a lot of drummers and guitarists I assume)
Left Field: Raul Ibanez (.250/300/.415, 6 HR, 25 RBI, 25 R). Thirty nine years young, still hitting the ball and having a generally productive year. Corresponding Muppet: Dr. Julius Strangepork (oldest crewmember of the 'Pigs in Space' ensemble).
Center Field: John Mayberry (.235/.333/.346, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 9 R, 4 SB) Filling in for Shane Victorino whom is on the DL with a "I'm a giant dickwad" related injury. Career
journeyman-type. Looks like Chris Rock. Corresponding Muppet: Fozzy Bear (best in limited action, theoretically wears a polka-dotted bowtie and a tiny hat in his free time).
Right Field: Domonoic Brown (.167/.273/.278, 0 HR, 1 RBI in 18 AB). Fairly high touted prospect whom also hurt himself this spring. Supplants the forgettable Ben "San" Francisco whom might also see time in the OF this weekend. Corresponding Muppet: Kermit's nephew Robin (young tadpole-type)
See, it's working, isn't it? I'm not afraid of these furry hand-jammers!
Bench: Francisco, Wilson Valdez, backup catcher Dane Sardinha, Ross Gload, Michael Martinez. Corresponding Muppets: Gonzo's chickens
On to the rotation:
Friday night: Capuano v. Roy Oswalt (3-2, 2.77 ERA, 27 K/10 BB). Having a good season but missed time with back issues and also took time to assist in post-tornado relief stuff in the south. Corresponding Muppet: Sam the Eagle (patriotic, glum).
Saturday night: Pelf v. Cole Hamels (6-2, 3.06, 68/15). Shown much improvement after a down 2010. Another 25% of the vaunted "Rotation better than naked ladies" that we're all so tired of. Corresponding Muppet: Miss Piggy (photographic evidence proving what a girly diva this guy actually is).
Sunday matinee: Niese v. Vance "Jo-Ann" Worley (3-2, 2.14, 18/10). In rotation for an injured Joe Blanton. Second year pro. Corresponding Muppet: Scooter (the fill in/utility type, young and goofy looking).
Closer: Ryan Madson (2-1, 9 SV, 1.71 ERA, 24 K/8 BB). Having a dominating run as Phillies closer while Brad Lidge is on the DL. Corresponding Muppet: Animal (he's been a beast in that pen)
Bullpen: Danys Baez, Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Kyle Kendrick, JC Romero.
Corresponding Muppets: the rest of Electric Mayhem -- Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Zoot, and Lips
Manager: Charlie Manuel. Old and fat and knows what he's doing. Corresponding Muppet: Barbara Billingsley as the voice of the Muppet Babies' mom (because he doesn't fucking deserve to be Kermit). Never appeared on camera except below the waist (oh yeah, that's right).
Former Mets in Philly: Valdez, Brian Schneider (DL)
F0rmer Phuckholes in Mets uniforms: None that I could find
Of course, the roles of Waldorf and Statler will be played in non-ironic fashion by Saul Katz and Fred Wilpon (sigh).