Jun 03 2011 02:17 PM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Jun 03 2011 02:59 PM
The breakdown:
Y’know how some teams can be schizophrenic, performance-wise? Putting up a ten-spot in one game and then swinging with tennis rackets in the next? Or putting together two starts for the ages, then giving up a couple of 5-run first-innings in back-to-back games? Or puttering along with a bullpen that’s more hot-and-cold than a bipolar faucet?
That’s not this team.
The Braves have played 21 one-run games (tied for second in the NL with the Brewers, behind the Giants). They’re twelfth in the NL in BA and OBA, and not much better—10th, just above the Phils/just below the Mets—in slugging; these all represent ordinal season-highs for the team. They’re also pitching like a hyperactive Don Draper: their team ERA (3.01) and WHIP (1.15) sound more like fantasy-staff numbers than reality-based ones, and they lead the league by large margins in both categories. Their bullpen is also among the league’s best, and leads all relief units in Ks.
In short, they will severely dampen your offense early, and they will strike your asses out late. They will not hit—save for McCann, Freeman, and Prado, these days—but they will play you close. They will bunt all day and all of the night. If the record is any indication—31-26, 6-4 in the last ten, 11-9 in the last twenty—it’s a reasonably effective way to conduct one’s onfield affairs (if a little likely to wear down the chaw-stained teeth and gunpowdery fingernails of Atlanta’s fanbase). 
"I can’t even wemembew what a functioning offense wooks wike."
To hear them tell it on blogs and message boards, Phils fans still seem to worry about them more than they do the Marlins. They can afford to take on some salary, and have a bunch of young arms to offer up in trade, so that makes sense. Also, they probably own way more guns, and know more places to dispose of bodies discreetly.
The lineup:
2/3 of the outfield is different, thanks to [crossout]voodoo[/crossout] injuries.
C—Brian McCann (.309/.374/.473, 133 OPS+) — If there’s a heartbreaking game-winning hit to be delivered this weekend, it’ll probably come from him.
1B—Freddie Freeman (.270/.346/.413, 109 OPS+) — Hitting decently—if still somewhat powerlessly—now, and playing solid defense. Think of him as Mark Grace after taking part in a particularly-violent “Bumfight.”
"HEY YOUUUUU GUYS! I LEAGUE-AVERAGE CORNER INFIELD!”
2B—Dan Uggla (.175/.241/.316, 53 OPS+) — 7 HRs and innumerable tensely-chewed gigantic wads of dip on the year. Rumor has it he drives a different rental car to each home game, following a series of anonymous fan turds left on the windshield of his previous one. Benched 3-4 times in recent weeks, so as to keep opposing teams’ fans from making fun of him too badly. ‘Cause even if they're thick on the outside, Ugglas have feelings. Feelings that they often eat.
3B—Larry Jones (.258/.357/.416, 113 OPS+) — Playing on a torn right meniscus. Rumor has it, he’s had seven injections of “atomic” hot sauce and Miller Lite in the knee already. He'll need a lot of "table service" from cut-off-wearing groupies to get through this season.
SS—Alex Gonzalez (.269/.302/.387, 89 OPS+) — Glovely. Irritating. Will find a way to hit 2 home runs this weekend against the Mets. Guaranteed.
LF— Martin Prado (.279/.326/.442, 110 OPS+) — One of a few bats keeping the team afloat, he’s done just about league-average LF work. Considering the team he’s on, though, he’s got to feel like he’s got Wilt Chamberlain’s “shooting guard” in his cup.
CF— Jordan Schafer (.250/.385/.281, 87 OPS+) — With the [crossout]Peter Principle[/crossout] injury fates having caught up to Nate McLouth, the prized prospect’s stepped up a level to get himself a taste of major-league Gatorade and sunflower seeds. And, in a touching tribute to his fallen comrade, he’s apparently pledged to put up virtually the same line that McLouth was (.673 OPS, 86 OPS+). That’s nice of the kid.
RF—Eric Hinske (.237/.408/.553, 158 OPS+) — Plenty of strength with the bat and arm, but he lumbers like a roofied Ned Beatty in the field. He’s like a big ol’ adorable drunk bear out there! With a glove!
Seriously, though? Don’t feed the bear fastballs.
During pregame stretches, Eric Hinske and Brooks Conrad get into a playful fight over who’s better at hitting the cutoff man/catching salmon. (Photo courtesy National Geographic)
The bench:
Same bunch of good ol’ boys/good ol’ boy-manques as last time, but for an ex-Cardinal name-a Joe Mather (.283/.327/.435) backing up the corner outfield and infield slots. Versatile righty, with a little pop, this one. Also known as “Joey Bombs.”
O AN HE SEXY
The matchups:
Thanagar’s Finest vs.
Derek Lowe (12 GS, 67 IP, 3-4, 4.03 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 58 K/27 BB, 6 HR allowed) —Historically pretty bad against blue-and-orange. Did well against us last time around. SugarPants usually hits him best, but guys like Murph and Thole do decently against him, while Voltron flails at his crap like some drunken asshole in a Georgia bar resisting his friends' help, insisting he can still drive.
Gee-Unit vs.
Jair Jurrjens (9 GS, 65 2/3 IP, 7-1, 1.51 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 38 K/11 BB, 3 HR allowed)—Baseball been bery, bery good to him since he came back from oblique rehab (where they hint for 30 days that you might have a problem?). He’ll be murder.
Rebellious Arches vs.
Tim Hudson (11 GS, 72 IP, 4-4, 3.75 ERA, 1.10 WHIP, 41 K/18 BB, 5 HR allowed) —Pitches to contact. Pitches to a little less weak contact these days (3 HRs and a bunch of XBH in last two starts... a bit much for a classic groundballer). If we'll get him, you'll get him early.
"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by GEICO)
"Guys, this is STILL one great ‘pen, here. Just a couple of guy-changes here to speak of. New guy Scott Proctor has been solid for them, and should be familiar to Met fans from the Police Academy movies, as well as from various Joe Torre-produced snuff films. Aussie guy Peter Moylan has been sidelined with a bad back, and just recently moved to the 60-day DL… which should allow him more time to concentrate on his burgeoning modeling career.”
“Guys, I can’t tell you how much that bothers me. Everybody knows Alex Rodriguez is going to be wearing the exact same dress to the ESPYs, and Moylan goes ahead and does this. Peter Moylan—not a class act. Guys?”
Exes:
Injuns of Metropolitan descent:
I see a name like “Jairo Ascencio,” and I’m so tempted to say he’s been through a blue-and-orange locker room. But no.
Unbraved Mets:
Willie Harris. I had been hoping to write “none” by the time this KTE assignment rolled around. One can dream.