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KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Edgy MD Aug 08 2011 05:10 PM

The Mets host the Padres of San Diego, who ceased being the Padres to me when they forsook the mud-and-mustard color schema that made me proud to be an American. Hey, Will F. Venable, if it was good for Dave Winfield, it's good enough for you. The Padres had the third-worst record in the NL, were sellers at the deadline, but somehow came through it still holding on to the large buttocks of Heath Bell. Go figure. Quickly, now, please drive around to the next window and pick up your order. Catching is Rob Johnson, a going-nowhere 27-year-old with a bat that makes you savor Josh Thole. He came over from some terrible Mariners teams and somehow still found a big league life afterwards. The coolest thing about him is that he was born in Anaconda, Montana. If I was from there, I'd settle every argument with, "Fuck you, I'm from Anaconda, Montana," and that would be it. The Pads have also used Nick Hundley who at least hit once a week and had a catcher's name, but he's rehabbing. A 26-year-old rook named Luis Martinez got called up for Nickeas duty. First base was Brad Hawpe --- but after production that would make you cling to your sweet Daniel Murphy for dear life, his season was mercifully ended by the surgeon's blade. Jesus Guzman --- at 27 already the third too-old-to-be-a-rookie rookie in this essay --- has taken over, and indeed been a freaking terror, slashing .336 / .376 / .582 // .958 in 117 plate appearances so far. Injuries can be a blessing sometimes, Bud Black. With him hitting like that, you won't see much of his backup, Kyle Blanks, but look for this 1986 baby to pinch-hit with low average and high power. What's on second? The Pads have stayed mostly healthy there. Unfortunately, it was with Orlando Hudson, on the butt end of his career, and clocking in at .242 / .334 / .324 // .659 --- which I guess is averagish for NL secondbaseproduction, and not bad for this jive lineup, but not very gaudy for the two-time All-Star and four-time Gold Glover. Those days are gone forever. He should just let them go. There's my missus with the dinner bell. You take it from here, whoever you are.

smg58 Aug 08 2011 05:21 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Guzman is proof that there's hope for guys like Nick Evans. He's always hit in the minors, but had few real opportunities before Hawpe got hurt and top prospect Anthony Rizzo fizzled at first asking.

G-Fafif Aug 08 2011 05:22 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

If anyone can know the Padres, then Witness Protection isn't doing its job.

Frayed Knot Aug 08 2011 05:42 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Chase Headley, who was the Padres best hitter (kind of like being the best ice hockey player in Peru) is injured (broken finger) and will probably miss the remainder of the year Rumor has it that he was replaced on the roster by former SI-for-Kids star Hedley Kase simply for name similarity reasons (plus I think they look alike) but I've yet to confirm that.

Edgy MD Aug 08 2011 05:57 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

OK, thubbase was the province of Chase Headley --- who, like Nick Hundley, has an adverb for a name. He was their best hitter, but he just broke his pinkie and hit the DL and the Padre site improbably lists Jesus Guzman as the starter there as well. Any padre will tell you that Jesus can do anything, but I'm guessing he won't staff two jobs at once. Either look for Logan Forsythe (who has a nice future in geopolitical thrillers), a rookie with bloody awful numbers but pretty good minor league productivity, or Jesus, with Blanks shooting from first. Shortstop: I guess I'll never get over surfer dude Khalil Greene's failure at short --- 'specially since his ascendency helped rive ReyO out of baseball, but Jason Bartlett is offering a good-by-Padre standards (.251 / .318 / .312 // .630) season. Greene totally could have done that, TOTALLY. But now he drives the bus. Bartlett isn't much for power, but he took Ted Lilly deep the other day for the only run and the difference-maker, so I consider him a friend --- when he's not an enemy, which he is. Backing him up is Alberto Gonzalez, who has gotten into 70 games and posted an OPS+ of 50. FIFTY! These are the '79 Mets, we're talking about. We have four games against these sacks, and I swear, if we don't win at least seven of them...

Edgy MD Aug 08 2011 06:15 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Outliers: In leftfield, you might see Blankety Blanks but when Chris Denorfia went down (Lord, have mercy), they callked up Blake "Excuse Me, Mister" Tekotte. A rare Padre rookie under 27, Tekotte has a good chance to stick as a multi-skilled, master-o'nutin' outfielder. Get on with your Orsuak self. Look for him. You may miss him otherwise. Cameron Maybin, legit big leaguer roams center (and a huge center it is, both at Petco and Citi). His nickname is "Cocoa Diablo" (seriously) and he was the top Tiger prospect before heading to Florida and then San Diego, but if you're like everybody else, you're not seein' it yet. He's a good glover and he wears Willie Mays' number. Why, there outghta be a law! Wil Venable is the rightfielder. He's maybe twice the player his daddy -- longtime reserve Max Venable --- was, which makes him exceedingly average. He's what Tekotte might someday be. Poor Pads, Man. We interrupt this message to tell you about my Padres, the Capuchin Province of St. Augustine. They minister to my community and they're great. Left side, second from the top, is Br. Al Carver, a lovely guy who takes his final vows in 10 days. Why some guy is holding mistletoe over his head, well, you don't need me for a punchline.

Edgy MD Aug 08 2011 06:40 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Monday: RHP Mike Pelfrey (6-10, 4.48) vs. RHP Tim Stauffer (7-8, 2.96), 7:10 p.m. ET Stauffer wears number 46, a sure sign of quality. But no matter what you wear on your back, it's hard to win when you have "padres" on your front He's 21-27 career, but he will pitch the first no-hitter for the Padres someday. Bank it. Tuesday: LHP Chris Capuano (9-10, 4.44) vs. LHP Wade LeBlanc (0-2, 4.98), 7:10 p.m. ET Wade LeBlanc, when not a corrupt Lousiana sheriff, is a lefthander that should excite Jerry Hairston and Ronny Paulino if we haven't traded them in a waiver deal by tomorrow. Nicke Evans, I'll be looking at you also. Wednesday: RHP R.A. Dickey (5-10, 3.72) vs. RHP Aaron Harang (10-3, 3.91), 7:10 p.m. ET Harang is the ace of the staff, on a one year deal with a mutual option for 2012. But I don't think he's coming back, considering Bud F. Black pulled him with a no-hitter last month, after he walked three and was up to 96 pitches. Jealous, Bud?! Anyhow, I'd suggest we might pursue him in the offseason if I didn't find that I had and irrational antipathy for him. I wondered why and then I remembered all those years with the Reds. I don't like any Reds pitchers. Why is that? Thursday: LHP Jon Niese (11-8, 4.12) vs. LHP Cory Luebke (4-6, 3.06), 12:10 p.m. ET Cory Luebke is LeBlanc's deputy down in the bayous of St. Aloysius Parish. He makes sure your fishing license is up to date. He's been mostly a reliever this year so don't look for him to go deep, but he's had his share of minor league success so don't take him lightly either. He's a (say it with me) 26-year-old rookie. The closer is Heath Bell. You know him and he knows you. He's supported by a bunch of guys who think Major League II is hilarious. One of them is Chad Qualls. For serious. Ex Mets include Bell and only Bell. Ex Pads usually fall away from baseball, but Scott Hairston did his time with them. And former Pad Chris Young still carries the resin bags for the Mets or something. Queens' own Mike Baxter got nine trips to the plate with them last year, and has joined the Mets for sign-stealing duty. It's already 4-1, Mets. Sorry to be so late.

Fman99 Aug 08 2011 08:17 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Closer is Heath Bell. Known to fold late against tough competitors in orange and blue. Child eats pennies.

Edgy MD Aug 09 2011 10:04 AM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Everybody's talking about how nobody's talking about Jesus Guzman.

Ashie62 Aug 09 2011 11:46 AM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

My favorite mustard wearing slugger Nate Colbert.

Edgy MD Aug 09 2011 11:54 AM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

Thank you for reading.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr Aug 09 2011 07:07 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

You oughta talk to somebody about that Reds thing.

Edgy MD Aug 09 2011 07:13 PM Re: KT Zoo-Lovin' Enemies

It's Bronson Arroyo, I think. The corn rows. The Goo Goo Dolls covers. That stuff can rub off.