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The lineup:
"Just kill us, please. Yeah, that double-Italian-beef oughta do it."
C—Geovany Soto—.226/.312/.412, 423 PAs, 93 OPS+. He's a below-average bat every other year, and the defense is starting to decline, just four years into his career. He's also the closest thing to a lock for next year's lineup.
1B—Carlos Pena—.227/.355/.461, 539 PAs, 121 OPS+. Catlike defense doesn't hurt, and he did catch fire for a month-and-a-half around the All-Star break; the yearly line still looks butt-Uggla.
2B—Darwin Barney—.275/.313/.351, 498 PAs, 81 OPS+. Still doesn’t strikeout so much (57 K in 176 PA). Doesn't do much else, including walk. He can catch the ball, and he's a very nice boy. But if Met infielders don't play him at 50 feet all around the diamond, they're nuckin' futs.
3B—Aramis Ramirez—.306/.359/.509, 571 PAs, 134 OPS+. 24 home runs, so he's got a little mojo back. So much mojo, in fact, that he rejected the very notion of being traded to a warmer, more playoff-welcoming place and, y'know, helping his old team that way. That's some rare mojo these days... and more defensive than he's been since Pittsburgh.
"Try my mojo on any roaster, game hen, or loser of backyard bloodsport!"
SS—Starlin Castro—.305/.334/.426, 626 PAs, 106 OPS+. "He's a firestarter-- he leads the league in hits!" "He's a poopchute-- he leads the league in errors!" "He's an empty bat, with good speed, and leads the league in gray hairs given to Cub fans by guys who aren't Alfonso Soriano or Carlos Marmol!" STOP! You're all right!
LF— Alfonso Soriano—.245/.287/.473, 449 PAs, 111 OPS+. 24 dongs, 47 XBH... or just about as many as he lets drop past him, in front of him, to either side of him, between his legs, inside his jersey, in his pantlegs, or on his doorstep/disguised as a singing-telegram guy.
CF— Marlon Byrd—.284/.331/.401, 418 PAs, 99 OPS+. 7 HRs, league-average hitting, fielding shakier than a sober Lohan... but man, can he take a shot to the head!
RF—Tyler Colvin— .147/.200/.304, 206 PAs, 111 OPS+. Kosuke's not here, man. But he appears to have left behind his puppy. And that's adorable-- it thinks it can play baseball!
Fare thee well, Patron Saint of Racist "Supportive" T-Shirts
The bench:
C—Koyie Hill. She's kinda cute, in the right light.
1B/OF—Bryan LaHair. Meh. I still think they should have called up SoulGlo LaMexicanMullet instead. More flair.
1B/2B/3B/OF—Jeff Baker. He'll do something, I think. We probably will not like it, I think.
2B/3B/LF—Blake DeWitt. Cuts a swell figure in seersucker, but do not trust this man with your retirement savings.
OF—Tony Campana. All he's got is his word and his balls and some speed on the basepaths.
OF—Reed Johnson. Solid citizen, with a haircut you could set your watch too, if people still wore watches.
The Matchups:
Friday: Pelf vs.
Casey Coleman (15 G/13 GS, 64 IP, 2-7, 6.61 ERA, 1.86 WHIP, 51 K, 38 BB, 9 HR allowed) Averaging four-and-a-half innings per start, and is about as likely to put someone on this year as he is to retire them. Metsie, then, should get, like, four hits off of him in six innings.
Saturday: Dookie Caps vs.
Randy Wells (19 GS, 111 IP, 7-4, 4.86 ERA, 1.39 WHIP, 71 K 39 BB, 19 HR). He's 6'5"/230 lbs with a prominent sinking mid-90s heater, touch-and-go effectiveness that tends to fade during the middle innings, and far more home runs allowed than you'd expect out from an ostensible sinkerballer. Confused? Okay, he's the one whose name doesn't rhyme with "Like Belfry."
Sunday: MB1C vs.
Matt Garza (27 GS, 166 IP, 8-10, 3.52 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 171 K, 57 BB, 12 HR) He's been a little unlucky with the strand rate/hit-bunching, but man alive, has he been good, especially with the stuff he alone controls (2.97 FIP/3.05 xFIP). The slider (or, hard curve, if you prefer, since it's a dropper rather than a sweeper) has been Ilie Nas-Nasty, coming in at 1.8 runs above average; working in conjunction with his popping fastball, it's given him a K-rate that's hovered between 9 and 10 per 9 IP (currently 9.3 after an odd last few outings). The strategy? Take, and hope he misses... or duck and cover, basically.
"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by A Guy With A Robot In His Throat Telling You Not To Smoke)
"Guys like James Russell or just-back-from-the-April-DL Andrew Cashner? You won't see them unless stuff goes seriously haywire. Guys with nasty stuff like Jeff Samardzija, they're more solid than they were earlier this year, back up over a strikeout an inning and keeping the runs down better than Immodium. Guys like John Grabow and Sean Marshall, they used to be drowned in the Middle Ages, because they're lefties, and lefties are kinda evil.
But the back end? Ooh, it's a muddle. Kerry Wood hasn't blown nine saves this year, like some guys. But guys like Carlos Marmol still do throw pretty darn hard, and have the confidence of the zombie-looking guy who Cubs beat guys tell me is in charge. You know what's hard? Finding a quarterback on the waiver wire to replace Colts thrower Danny Manning. Man, without Danny, my team will have a tougher time staying aloft than a Russian hockey charter. Any suggestions, Guys?”
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