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So, anywutz, Daniel Craig plays Jason Bourne. Well, he doesn't really, but like Bourne, he plays a guy who wakes up badly wounded with no idea where he is or who he is, or memory of anything except (a) English and (b) awesome fighting skills. Except it's not awesome, because it makes no sense. Maybe the rules of movies have changed, but things don't really make sense when a cowboy has awesome ninja instincts (quick hands, lighter-than-air turns, eyes in the back of his head, quick and deadly hand-to-hand killingness) instead of awesome cowboy skills (steely gaze, quick draw, a rock hard right hook, a gritty toughness to take a lickin'). Whatever. Maybe it'll make sense later. (SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't.)
Anyhow, three travelers ride up on him, and he demonstrates his skills in a disproportionate way that's sort of inappropriate for a hero and inappropriate for an anti-hero. Meet Asshole Number One.
He rides into town, gets patched up by a preacher/medic who's not an asshole, so he can't be long for the film. Asshole Number Two comes in the form of the spoiled brat son of the local strongman cattle baron, who shoots up the town while acting the whiny brat because he knows his dad runs things and can get him out of any trouble he gets into. This is unintentionally funny, because if you're like me, your first exposure to Daniel Craig was his playing this exact sort of wet diaper baby in The Road to Perdition, and every time Craig plays a total badass, I remember him as a big fat crybaby and it takes a heckuva job to suspend disbelief.
Well, that's AH#2. Number Three is a barkeeper who is apparently (and inexplicably) a doctor (his name is "Doc" and he's got medical skills, anyhow) but has this dream he's trying to make work about running a saloon in the Old West and he's having a fight with his wife in the middle of the street about how unhappy his stupid dream is making him. He's the Guy Who Needs to Be Shown How to Shoot, to put aside his non-violent sensibilities to make the stand that is now clearly necessary. I don't know if the GWNtBSHtS is a Quaker, but if he is, he's the biggest asshole Quaker I've seen on film.
OK, a bunch of minor assholes show up. But then it's time for Asshole Number Four. How do you top this bunch we've already met? Well, it's Harrison Ford --- he's the aforementioned cattle baron and he's introduced into the movie torturing a guy for being a bad employee. Torturing the fuck out of the poor guy. Don't they have a clue how this shit resonates in 2011? What's next? Is one of our heroes going to turn out to be a suicide bomber? (SPOILER ALERT: Yes!)
Anyhow, it's a long ride to redemption for such a dicky bunch, and fighting for the planet is going to take us there: Ranchers, lawmen, outlaws, Indians, and beautiful chixx --- they all got to team up for a fight against aliens that are kidnapping their kin, probing them, apparently raping them (warn your rape-scene-averse partners --- it's sort of implied, but sort of there also), and eating them. These aliens are sophisticated enough that they really should be spraying our heroes with some bug spray or biological weapons, but apparently we can stand toe-to-toe with the nameless menace from beyond the stars and even could with 1880-era tech, so we've got that going for us.
I guess I got chuffed that they give it dumb name like Cowboys & Aliens and I thought they wouldn't take themselves seriously --- like Snakes on a Plane, or Tremors, or Eight-Legged Freaks. But they do, and by piling asshole upon asshole and presenting them as anti-heroes, I guess you're supposed to appreciate the gritty realism of folks trying to tell you, This is what the Old West was really like --- DEAL with it.
Well, they made a big blockbuster budgeted movie that could've been good and wasn't. Now they've got to deal with it.
You'll get through it. But it'll take more imagination on your part than the six or seven credited screenwriters brought to it.
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