Apr 27 2012 03:42 PM
Edited 3 time(s), most recently on Apr 27 2012 05:11 PM
THE OVERVIEW
Impassable, immovable objects? Bedrock-solid palisades, effortlessly withstanding onslaughts both human and natural? Big-ass mountains that are harder to break than a pathological liar? Though their rah-rah ownership group (and its "Year of the Fan") would no doubt argue otherwise-- after all, it's their job-- this Colorado team, like last year's edition, is a pretty poor fit for the grandiose nickname. Call them "Venus De Milos" instead, or "Tyrannosauruses," maybe-- they're damn short on arms. Or, if you're feeling florid, think of them as The Canoe Lovemakers; like their primary sponsor's signature quaff, the weak stuff that the Rockies are slinging from their mound has them-- at a shaky 9-9-- fucking close to water.
Rocking the 4th-worst ERA in the league, the Colorado staff is almost uniformly iffy at preventing scoring. With just a few notable exceptions-- an ancient Mariner/Phil/Cub and a couple of late-inning stalwarts among them-- they've been regressing (formerly studlike starter Jhoulys Chacin), stagnating (closer-in-waiting Rex Brothers) and painfully progressing (prospects-in-training Drew Pomeranz and Juan Nicasio) They're bad with the stuff they can sorta control (sporting the worst K/9- and HR/9-rates in the NL) and they're getting terrible results with the stuff they can't; it's early, but despite the strong-on-paper Hernandez-Tulo-Fowler combo up the middle, the team's defense has made the 4th-most errors in the Senior Circuit, and posted league-worst UZR/150 and range numbers. And all this, despite acquiring ace Jeremy Guthrie in the offseason fro-- wait, the ace is Jeremy Guthrie? I suppose that says it all, doesn't it?
It's not all bad news for the Coloradans. They're at .500 despite being outscored on the year by double digits (not unlike a certain Queens team), and they're hitting somewhat (101 wRC+ as a team, a middling 8th in the NL in runs), despite slow starts from the stars (Carlos Gonzalez JUST hit his first home runs of the season). FA acquisition Mike Cuddyer is hitting at a nice clip, and is one of several players with multiposition capability on the roster-- in case of injury, this team has some moves to burn before checkmate. Still, they've dropped three of five and dropped their last series to the anemic Pirates... it'll take a turnaround from the rotation and corrections from Tulo and CarGo and DexFowl and ToHell for this high-hoping team to avoid pulling a standings John Denver.
THE LINEUP (*Lefties, #Switchies)
Like their beery benefactors, they lean a little to the right, and have a tendency to chase air.
2B Marco Scutaro (73 PA, .227/.292/.273, 8 R, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 49 OPS+ ). Not good enough or enough of a value for this year's Sox, who sit in the AL East cellar, and are currently paying Carl Crawford $120,000 a game to not play. And he's playing his weaker defensive position-- bonus!
CF Dexter Fowler# (63 PA, .222/.311/.407, 10 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI, 87 OPS+). Swift, strong-armed, strong at making contact and making line-drives... but is a weirdly ineffective basestealer (career 66% SB-percentage).
LF Carlos Gonzalez* (66 PA, .246/.303/.443, 12 R, 2 HR, 9 RBI, 93 OPS+). There's bop here... but also a declining line-drive rate (14.9%, vs. 18.9% in 2011 and 20.8% in 2010) and HR-rate. CarGo into wall?
SS Troy Tulowitzki (75 PA, .273/.347/.439, 11 R, 2 HR, 9 RBI, 105 OPS+). Slow start, shmoe start. He is blond SShiva, middle-infield Destroyer of Worlds.
1B Todd Helton* (60 PA, .222/.300/.481, 7 R, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 101 OPS+). They don't let his creaky ass do the day-game-after-night-game thing any more, and he looks a little like he's nearing the end of the line; perhaps he should ask an old college buddy for knuckleball tips?
RF Mike Cuddyer (69 PA, .303/.333/.545, 10 R, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 126 OPS+). The Rockies' first $10M-plus-annual FA signing (3/$31M) since Mike Hampton. Also plays every infield position but short, poorly.
C Ramon Hernandez (45 PA, .273/.289/.545, 4 R, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 113 OPS+). 14-year vet, still a well-above-average offensive catcher. Five-time winner of MLB's Tom Henke "Looks Like A Substitute Teacher" Award.
"Can anyone tell me where exactly you guys were in The Great Gatsby? Anyone?"
3B Chris Nelson (.224/.296/.286, 3 R, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 54 OPS+). AAA raker, ordinary glove, sub-ordinary bat (career .280 wOBA). Clubhouse nickname: "Not Ian Stewart."
THE BENCH (*Lefties, #Switchies)
More punch than a osteoporotic grandmother, less than a middle-school dance.
UT Tyler Colvin* (37 PA, .286/.297/.457) Ex-Cub prospect; guaranteed to swing really, really hard at something you throw him.
C Wikin Rosario (28 PA, .231/.250/.462) Young, free-swinging defensive specialist with pop; guaranteed to catch when the young'uns is pitchin'.
1B Jason Giambi* (19 PA, .250/.474/.250, 0 XBH) Struggling, sluggish; guaranteed to smack an Acosta or Francisco offering halfway to Boulder once this weekend.
IF Jonathan Herrera# (19 PA, .389/.421/.611) Middle-infield depth; guaranteed to be named "Jonathan Herrera."
2B/OF Eric Young# (15 PA, .385/.467/.615, 2 XBH, 3 steals) Doublefast EY Jr.; guaranteed to have at least one, maybe two thoroughly-annoying Juan Pierreish ("we can't get HIM out?") ABs/turns on the basepaths.
THE PITCHING MATCHUPS
Eminently workable.
Friday, 4/27: Buffalo Boo Radley vs.
LHP Drew Pomeranz (2 GS, 9 1/3 IP, 0-1 record, 6.75 ERA, 1.71 WHIP, 9 K/5 BB, 1 HR allowed)
The 23-year-old former first-round pick was obtained from Cleveland last year in the Ubaldo Jimenez deal. Bats righty. Works with a plus-fastball, plus-curve, and an as-yet-iffy changeup. Tall. Has Twitter account, on which he humblebragged about being selected as one of Cosmo's Hottest Baseball Players of 2012. Which is weird, because he kinda looks like skinny Bud Norris.
Saturday, 4/28: Chin Pubes vs.
RHP Jeremy Guthrie (4 GS, 24 1/3 IP, 2-1 record, 5.92 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 5 K/10 BB, 4 HR allowed)
Ex-Oriole/former first-round pick. Stanford grad. Throws five below-average pitches. So far this year, has posted 1 good start, 1 decent start, and 2 poor-to-vomit-inducing ones; it's notable that the two bad ones came against light-hitting NL West brethren... at home. Big trail-riding bicyclist. Has Twitter account, which he's used to make new friends on his throw days. Is getting us at just the right time for him-- Jason Bay hammers him to the tune of .442/.556/1.143 with 3 HRs and 4 BBs in 18 PAs.
Sunday, 4/29: GOATee vs.
LHP Jaime Moyer (4 GS, 23 2/3 IP, 1-2 record, 2.28 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 9 K/7 BB, 2 HR allowed)
Pitched the first non-NY game I attended in person. Pitched the first game Christy Mathewson attended in person. Not actually older than dirt, although he went to high school with the guy who discovered it. Thinks fondly about his prom date whenever he picks up a rosin bag. He'd show you his birth certificate, but it's stuck to a cave wall in France. Calls his fastball "The Kaiser Killer." Prefers pitching on warmer days, as sub-60-degree days give him Ice Age flashbacks. Farts dust. Sneezes chitin. Calls his change-up the "Jennings Bryan." Hears "Twitter," and thinks about that idiot Bronte sister he used to date. Gets creaky on long rest, as his bones begin to turn to gasoline after six days. Calls his curve "My Great-Nephew Charlie." His toughest out-- "Pedro Guerrero. Or Rasputin." He masturbates to daguerrotypes. He's old.
THE BULLPEN
Compared to the starters, pretty solid. But like Kardashians, they're touchable, if you just wait for your turn.
RHP Esmil Rogers: Strikeout-y (11.2 K/9) long-reliever/ROOGY.
LHP Matt Reynolds: Groundball-inducing LOOGY. Okay stuff.
LHP Rex Brothers High-strikeout (12+ K/9 career) LOOGY, somewhat more than somewhat walk-prone (4.6 BB/9 career, 5+ this year).
RHP Matt Belisle Solid all-around pitcher, anointed setup guy after Brothers fumbled it earlier.
RHP Rafael Betancourt Ex-Indian, nominal closer. Solid this year, with minimal drama (sub-0.90 WHIP).