May 04 2012 04:27 PM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on May 04 2012 10:30 PM
The Breakdown:
If the Mets had a collective Jewish mother ("Why don't you bunt more? The Dodgers bunt ALL the time!" "With all these injuries, have you thought about giving up this sports business, and trying for medical school?")-- she wouldn't come right out and ask them-- rhetorically speaking-- "Why can't you be more like the Diamondbacks?" However, she might in all likelihood bring up various exploits of the Snakes', coincidentally remembered, recited from box scores and intoned from bottom-of-screen newscrawls... all with a slightly-impressed tone, as if to make a silent, implicit comparison-cum-accusation. What they do on a ballfield-- give up some baserunners, and a few too many home runs, strand some but not too many runners, walk a good amount and strike out a lot on offense-- is very much what this weekend's home team does, or has done; they just, on-balance, do virtually all of it JUST a little bit better. "Yes, they have the same record, dear," Met Mameleh might drone, "but there's just a little less luck in theirs, isn't there?"
"It comes from the father," she might continue. And it does, sorta. Kirk Gibson has the team generally playing like [crossout]the kind of people who shamelessly, guiltlessly accept a purloined end-of-year-award while looking like a gimpy porn-star[/crossout] you'd expect the sons of a controlling-but-mostly-benevolent baseball dad. They field and throw well-- best UZR/150 in the NL, lowest errors-per-chances rate in the league-- work the count and slap the ball the opposite way, and generally Baseball The Right WayTM all over the damn place (most attempted steals in the NL, second-most sacrifice hits). The drill-sargeant dad-- bans on clubhouse music, haircuts you could set your watch by, etc.-- thing worked last year, to the tune of a worst-to-first rampage to an NL West title.
"Is this guy a straight-shooter? Is he looking at me like that? What is he, a f*ggot or something? God, I knew it, once I saw that earring, I knew it."
Like their desert home, though, that clubhouse has-- from the outside, at least-- the feel of something dry, airless, and, over time, chafing. From last year to this year, the refrain is the same, monotone, gritted-teeth praise: "culture change," "maybe that's what we need," and "detail-oriented." Well, not ALL the same, maybe:
| "His image from before when he played was a tough, gruff, take no prisoners kind of player and yet while I think he possesses all of those qualities, I think he possesses a lot more and we are the beneficiaries of it," Kendrick stated. |
Let me clarify, though-- that's from his boss. In about a week of on-and-off hunting, the warmest quotes I could find about the guy-- after a supposed team-building-success and seasonlong festival-of-"breath-of-fresh air"-feelgoodery-- come from his FUCKING BOSS.
I'm sure all this goodwill will last forever, and that his humorless shtick won't wear thin at all. Good luck with that first losing season, Sarge!
The Lineup:
(*Lefties/#Switchies)
MInus Chris Young (deep bruise and ligament tear after a career-best start), they're down to just, like, 6 potentially-damaging power-speed threats. They're a little like a photo-negative of our lineup-- but for one guy, the thunder's from the right-side.
C Miguel Montero* (86 PA, .267/.360/373, 11 R, 2 HR, 14 RBI, 102 OPS+). Line-drive spray hitter, really solid defensively. He's basically a smaller, harder-to-defend-against Brian McCann, with the dead, dead eyes of Ted Bundy.
Don't ask me about the trunk of my Buick Skylark. You don't want to know.
1B Paul Goldschmidt (70 PA, .230/.314/.328, 7 R, 1 HR, 8 RBI, 77 OPS+). Why isn't he named "Hoss" yet? The Semitic last name? I'll call him "Hoss." Or maybe "Bison." He's big, and has power.
2B Aaron Hill (96 PA, .253/.354/.458, 13 R, 4 HR, 11 RBI, 121 OPS+). When they traded Kelly Johnson midseason, they got back... a purer strain of Kelly Johnson, basically. A three-true-outcomes middle-infielder. With speed. It's just... it's just unnatural, is what it is.
3B Ryan Roberts (75 PA, .152/.240/.242, 4 R, 1 HR, 8 RBI, 33 OPS+). Capable fielder/utility guy with a little speed and a little pop, playing over his head last year (to the tune of 18 HR and 19 SBs in under 600 PAs). He's in the midst of dropping back to his talent level, numbers-wise; this being Arizona, the press/fans probably won't bury him until at least August (and when they do, of course, they won't do it in a Jewish cemetery).
"This one is a tribute to my grandfather, and this is a stylized shout-out to a tat I got removed, and this one is Japanese kanji for 'regression to the mean.'"
SS Willie Bloomquist (77 PA, .243/.273/.378, 10 R, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 77 OPS+). As a shortstop, he's an excellent third baseman. Actually, that's not fair... he's a terrible third baseman (and first baseman, and second baseman, and outfielder). But he can run! Sorta!
LF Jason Kubel* (85 PA, .338/.400/.532, 7 R, 3 HR, 12 RBI, 153 OPS+). Seen as something of a WTF signing given their OF depth, he's proven to be their deadliest healthy hitter in the early going, Upton inclusive. Dead pull guy. Looks like he has two hams every day for breakfast; fields like he's still holding both. With that smile, will one day somehow be accused of pederasty; I'm not saying he'll be guilty, but... man, he'll know why.
"No, I didn't touch your kid. But yes, I get it. No biggie. Want a beer?"
CF Gerardo Parra (.264/.308/.403, 15 R, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 93 OPS+). Benched after last year's Gold Glove, is now getting more playing time than expected with Young sidelined. Fields hard. Runs hard. Swings hard. Plays hard. LIVES hard (by which I mean he's got a 24-7 erection, which impacts his speed a bit).
RF Justin Upton (.257/.357/.386, 17 R, 2 HR, 7 RBI, 104 OPS+). Oh, this guy. You don't want to pitch to this guy.
The Bench:
(*Lefties/#Switchies)
C Henry Blanco (16 PA, .188/.188/.188)— You want to give your catcher a day off? You want a runner thrown out? You want a serial-less gun, no questions asked? He's your man.
1B Lyle Overbay* (37 PA, .313/.405/.500)— Plays a LOT over the slumping Goldschmidt, because Gibby likes his defense, and because Gibby's kind of a Scoscia-y moron about defense.
2B/SS John McDonald (30 PA, .321/.367/.500)— Little stick (SSS numbers aside). Awesome glove. Probably doesn't like centaurs much, with good reason.
IF Cody Ransom (30 PA, .308/.400/.654)— Former MFY end-of-bench fodder. Who names a kid "Cody?"
OF A. J. Pollock (25 PA, .136/.140/.136)— For more nutritional value, substitute Carp or Trout.
The Matchups:
Like summer reruns of '90s Must-See TV, they're all new to us.
Friday, 5/4: Merkinface vs.
LHP Wade Miley (5 G/2 GS, 21 IP, 3-0 record, 1.29 ERA, 0.81 WHIP, 15 K/7 BB, 1 HR allowed)— College strikeout artist at SE Louisiana State (119 K in 102 IP the year before being drafted) with up-and-down pro performances due to command issues. Survives with a Cone-y variety of pitches (in order of goodness: low-90s fastball, slider, curve, cutter, change), and a propensity for inducing grounders (between 1.7 and 2.6 Groundouts/Air-outs ratio throughout the minors). Roomed with you junior year of college. Demand his delinquent share of the utility bill here.
"S'up, buddy! Toilet's busted again. That's strike three for me, I guess. HA! Did you see what I did there, dude?"
Saturday, 5/5: The Johan vs.
LHP Patrick Corbin (1 GS, 5 2/3 IP, 1-0 record, 4.76 ERA, 1.94 WHIP, 6 K/3 BB, 1 HR allowed)—Promoted straight from AA (instead of top prospect Trevor Bauer); decent-but-not-overwhelming numbers at all levels, with nice K/BB numbers (8+ K/<3 BB per 9 IP throughout). Syracuse-area native (Clay, NY). Lanky 6'2"-6'3", all elbows and legs. Low arm slot with deceptive "sling"ish motion-- could be tricky for both Met lefties and righty guessers like Hairston. Fastball-change-slider. Sling him some harassment aqui.
Sunday, 5/6: Raconteur/Artist vs.
RHP Trevor Cahill (5 GS, 31 2/3 IP, 2-2 record, 3.13 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 21 K/13 BB, 1 HR allowed)— Young, durable, sinkerball specialist, late of Oakland (40-35/3.91 ERA/1.32 WHIP in 96 starts over three seasons). After breakout 2010 (138 ERA+, top-10 Cy Young finish), slogged through BABIP correction last year (from .236 to .302) and the attendant rise in his other numbers (from 2.97 ERA/1.11 WHIP to 4.13 ERA/1.43 WHIP). His last, dominant outing notwithstanding, with his GB/AO numbers (around 2/1), he looks a little more like Derek Lowe, Jr. than Lil' Brandon Webb. Really, though, he has a Ginger Jay Cutler/Fat Cusack thing going on.
"I gave her a 2-1 inside fastball... and she gave me a pen."
"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by Some Guy Who WON'T STOP TXTING LOL UNTIL SUM1 DIEZ)
"Guys like Craig Breslow came over in the trade with the Oakland A's, and though they're sinister, they can "crossover" like a white rappist. Guys like Mike Zagurski, not so much. Guys like Brad Ziegler throw funny, but not funny ha-ha. Guys like Josh Collmenter like to think they don't belong here, but... well... he's here, though you won't see him unless someone gets way ahead early. High-strikeout/low-walk setup guys like David Hernandez and Bryan Shaw are nasty like a case of undiagnosed Valley Fever, or a brown-recluse bite. And speaking of infirmities, you can bet on a guy like J.J. Putz playing through them in silence; this guy isn't the kind of guy to throw a medical staff under the bus. And SPEAKING of medical staff, I'd like to say a heartfelt RIP to rappist HMO. The Beastly Boys were one of my favorite rapping groups when I was a little, creepily-well-coiffed kid. Guys?"
Exes:
Metly Snakes:
Hank White. Oh, and that fuckin' Putz.
Reptilian Metros:
Hairston. Rauch. (He spent two year in the desert. Holy Mother-of-Pearl-- he does sell meth, doesn't he?) Batista, back when a guy named Barry Obama was first considering running for public office.
LGM.