May 16 2012 03:45 PM
Totally thought this series started tomorrow. I wrote less than half an essay last night and hoped to finish it this evening. Feel free to continue it yourself.
I'm seeing red. And I'm seeing Reds.
The cherry Reds of my childhood are now a deeper bricky red. Venal blood vs. arterial blood, or something.
The Ransom of Red Chief
Their manager is 62-year-old Dusty Baker, in his ffth season with the team. His Redcord sits at just about .500 (340-342 as of press time), but the organization retains faith in him, and he just got to celebrate his 1500th career victory in their uniform. Nineteen years of Dusty Baker, man. That's good for 20th all time, but he's only won one pennant and no World Championships. (Plus, he almost got his kid killed on national televison.) Is he an achiever or merely a compiler? I don't know, but check out his all-time ranking.
| Rank | Dude | Years | From | To | Games | W | L | PCT |
| 17) | Fred Clarke (HOF) | 19 | 1897 | 1915 | 2829 | 1602 | 1181 | .576 |
| 18) | Tom Lasorda (HOF) | 21 | 1976 | 1996 | 3040 | 1599 | 1439 | .526 |
| 19) | Dick Williams (HOF) | 21 | 1967 | 1988 | 3023 | 1571 | 1451 | .520 |
| 20) | Dusty Baker | 19 | 1993 | 2012 | 2886 | 1502 | 1383 | .521 |
| 21) | Clark Griffith (HOF) | 20 | 1901 | 1920 | 2918 | 1491 | 1367 | .522 |
| 22) | Earl Weaver (HOF) | 17 | 1968 | 1986 | 2541 | 1480 | 1060 | .583 |
| 23) | Miller Huggins (HOF) | 17 | 1913 | 1929 | 2570 | 1413 | 1134 | .555 |
| 24) | Al Lopez (HOF) | 17 | 1951 | 1969 | 2425 | 1410 | 1004 | .584 |
I think if you asked baseball watchers if Dusty Baker is a Hall of Fame manager, eight guys would say "No," one guy would say "um... no" and the last guy would tweet about what an idiot you are, but there he is surrounded by giants. GIANTS!
Dusty's extended tenure with the Giants, the Cubs, and now the Reds has done more than made him a peripheral Hall of Fame candidate. It also makes him a much-sought-after public speaker. Say what you want...
... but Dusty knows enough to pimp out his website with an autographed photo of Shea.
Last I checked, Darren's still working the dugout for his Dad's team.
Maybe Darren should be a Hall of Fame Candidate.
Red Racer
Catcher Ryan Hanigan has been a part timer for a couple of years and is looking like the number one guy. He's sort of a righthanded Josh Thole: good contact, high OBP, not much pop. He's stronger defensively however. Pretty good arm. He's seeing more time this year.
Like Paul Lo Duca, he's a ctcher whose real interest is the ponies.
You know that when you had a high school party and thought you were cool, all adult and shit, scored a keg and ready to consume copious quantites, and people you didn't invite --- or don't even really know --- start showing up, but you're all trying to act cool like it ain't no thing, but then things get kind of weird, when some actual adult (or two) shows up, post-collegiate-aged and looking to party with teenagers? Well, Hanigan totally looks like that guy.
Hanigan's backup is Devin Mesoraco (which I think was also the name of the crazy jailbait chick in the "Rock the Cradle of Love" video). Devin is a native of Puxatawney, PA, and like Ned Ryerson, he's finding the first step to be a doozy, as he hit in AA, a little less in AAA, but not at all in the bigs yet.
Hanigan has been pretty hot this week. But throw to the guy anyway, as he's the type of guy who can have a 10-hit week, you start to fear him, and then you realize nine of those hits are singles. Don't walk him. Make him earn it. No Johnny Bench, he.
Red Alert
Joey Votto is everything you want to be: young, gifted, single, Canadian. He leads the league in walks and doubles, he fields well and he's pretty much playing baseball as well as anyone north of Arlington, Texas. He freakin looks like a ballplayer, and before he reached free agency, the Reds done went out and tied him up. And tied him up. Joey Frucking Votto is tied up until 2024. If that season happens. That, my children, is an impressive commitment: 12 years and $261.5 million. Bully for him I guess, but he's sure earning it so far this year, competing with David Wright, Michael Bourn, Carlos Beltran, and maybe Matt Kemp for early-season MVP honors.
He's already got one of those trophies on his shelf. Don't let him beat you.
Votto becomes the highest Canadian wage earner in sports:
[list=1][*]Joey Votto 12-yr $261.5 M, Reds, $20.9 M[/*:m]
[*]Jason Bay, 4-yr, $66 M, Mets, $16.5 M [/*:m]
[*]Justin Morneau, 6-yr $80 M, Twins $13.3 M[/*:m]
[*]Ryan Dempster 4-yr, $52 M, Cubs 13 M[/*:m]
[*]Steve Nash 6-yr $65 M, Suns, $10.833 M[/*:m]
[*]Eric Gagne, 2-yr, $19 M, Dodgers, $9.5[/*:m]
[*]Sidney Crosby, 5-yr $43.5 M, Penguins $8.7 M[/*:m]
[*]Vincent Lecavalier, 11-yr, $85 M, Lightning $7.73 M[/*:m]
[*]Steven Stamkos, 5-yr $37 M, Lightning $7.4 M [/*:m]
[*]Jason Spezza, 7 yr $49 M Senators, $7 M[/*:m][/list:o]
But the contract is backloaded, so based on this year's salary, the top-earning Canadian is...
[list=1][*]Jason Bay, Mets, $18.125 M[/*:m]
[*]Ryan Dempster, Cubs $14 M[/*:m]
[*]Justin Morneau, Twins $14 M[/*:m]
[*]Brad Richards, NY Rangers $12 M[/*:m]
[*]Steve Nash, Suns, $11.7 M[/*:m]
[*]Vincent Lecavalier, Lightning $10 M[/*:m]
[*]Joey Votto, Reds $9.5 M[/*:m]
[*]Sidney Crosby, Penguins $9 M[/*:m]
[*]Duncan Keith, Black Hawks, $8 M[/*:m]
[*]Jason Spezza, Senators, $8 M[/*:m][/list:o]
The same night Giancarlo Stanton hit that walkie-talkie grand slam against the Mets, Votto Vottissimo hit one against the Nats. He's heroic like that. Other than a rhyming name, he has little in common with Frank Cattalonotto.
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Please take over from here, titling your description of each position with not-so-clever crimson captions like: Cherry Red, My Love Is Like a Red Red Rose, Red Hot and Blue, Better Dead Than Red, Red Dawn, or Red Eye
