Jun 07 2012 08:33 PM
For all of the thrill of division rivalries, and longstanding hatred of those ersatz NL East castoffs in Pittsburgh and at Wrigley, you don't have to have Ron Darling's Ivy League education to know who the enemy is. I mean, the real enemy.
It's these Mother Fucking New York Yankees™.
So, without further ado, here is the current list of Mother Fuckers. Complete with embarrassing statistics, best/worst John Sterling home run calls, and, when merited, the likely imagery they use during acts of self-copulation.
Keep in mind the stupid small ballpark they play in when considering their power numbers. And forgive my stats being a couple of days old, I wrote some of this earlier in the week. I'm busy, fuck all of you.
Catching: Russell Martin (batting .192 with 4 HRs, 12 RBIs). This guy's got nothing left in the tank. He makes me uncomfortable with his awfulness. Best Sterling call: "RUSSELL HAS MUSCLE!" Corresponding Suzyn Waldman utterance: "Oh my!"
First Base: Mark Teixeira (.253/9/32). Picked it up after his normal ca-ca filled April. Still a big dumb galoot. Best Sterling call: "YOU'RE ON THE MARK, TEIXIERA!" Corresponding Suzyn Waldman utterance: "Oh dear!" Masturbates to: Hee Haw reruns.
Second Base: Robinson Cano (.284/8/24, 36 runs, .840 OPS). Named after our Rotunda. Who cares. He's like a chocolate Daniel Murphy, with home run power. Best Sterling call: "ROBBIE CANO, DONT'CHA KNOW!?!?!" Corresponding Waldman noise: "Gush."
Third Base: Alex Rodriguez (.284/9/22, 6 steals, .818 OPS). Hitting. Blue lips, like he got left out in the cold. Enjoys pictures of himself with a centaur's body. Best Sterling call: "AN A-BOMB! FOR A-ROD!" Waldman noise: "Squoosh" (in her panties). Masturbates to: Mr. Ed reruns.
Shortstop: Derek Jeter (.336/6/20, 30 runs, .846 OPS). Also hitting. Suspected by many New Yorkers of being on performance enhancing drugs. Perfectly coiffed half-white, half black guy "Some-Fro" hairstyle. Best Sterling call: "EL CAPITAN!" Waldman: "squirt" Masturbates to: Recordings of Bob Sheppard reading "Tropic of Cancer" seductively.
Left Field: Raul Ibanez (.252/9/29). Rumored to actually be 83 years old. Has corns older than Pedro Beato. Once dated your mom. Best Sterling call: "RAUL BE SEEING YOU!" (I swear I'm not making these up.) Waldman: Eh, who cares. Masturbates to: black and white photos of women in saloons.
Center Field: Curtis Granderson (.261/17/33). Not so many RBIs despite all the power. Which makes him a big pile of unclutch poo. Sterling: "OH CURTIS, YOU'RE SOMETHING SORT OF GRANDISH! THE GRANDY-MAN CAN, THE GRANDY-MAN CAN!" Waldman: Whatever sound a douche makes when being applied to a dried out old cooter. Masturbates to: Suzyn Waldman applying a balsamic vinagrette to her reproductive organs.
Right Field: Nick Swisher (.243/8/33). Meh. Sterling: "SWISHALICIOUS!" Waldman: "John, have you seen my bottle of Astro glide?" Masturbates to: Dukes of Hazzard reruns.
DH: Eric Chavez (.284/3/6) and/or Andruw Jones (.233/5/11). Old washed up hacks who can still jerk a ball over the novelty fences of YSIII. Sterling call: "ANDRUW JONES MAKES HIS BONES!" Waldman: "You know, I enjoy a good bone myself John."
Bench: Assorted shitdicks in pinstripes, looking smug, wearing double digit uniform numbers.
Pitching matchups: Friday - Johan vs Hiroki Kuroda (career no hitters: 0). First AL season after a career spent in Los Angeles. Asian. Pitchers in the AL don't get Sterling home run calls because they have this designated htiter thing, which, to me, is a bunch of gorilla shit. I'm sure Suzie Waldman still gets all soggy in her Depends about him though. Masturbates to: Godzuki centerfolds and stills of Tia Carrera from the first "Wayne's World" movie.
Saturday -- Gee vs Phil Hughes (career no hitters: 0). Former blue chip prospect-turned-disappointing average innings eating type. He's Mike Pelfrey, without all of the hand blowing.
Sunday -- Niese vs Andy the Rat Faced Boy (career no hitters: 0). Continuing the fine tradition of MFY employing washed up old hacks that had spent a couple of years on the scrap pile, the Pinstriped Pinheads brought back ol' Texas Cheat Em for another turn through the Junior Circuit. Masturbates to: country music.
Bullpen -- Closer:
Whoops! How embarrassing. The iconic superhero pool killer is out for the year, so the fort is being held down by Rafael Soriano, David Robertson, Boone Logan and a bunch of other fucking assholes. They are also in charge of carrying Suzyn Waldman's litter while she dresses up as Cleopatra, Liz Taylor style (sans style).
Former MFYs in Queens: None that I could find.
Former Mets in the Bronx: None, though Igarashi and Pedro Feliciano are on their payroll they are not able to pitch due to suckiness/decay.
