Jun 12 2012 12:20 AM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Jun 12 2012 08:54 AM
The Breakdown:
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Best record in the AL (35-25).
Just swept the reeling-but-potent Marlins at the Fishtank.
Maverick ownership.
Finding value.
Three playoff appearances in four years, in the toughest division in baseball.
Strength in innovation.
Avoid groupthink.
Rethinking value.
Reimagining roster construction.
Fearless.
Innovative defense.
Shifting our sights.
Setting goals. Reaching goals. EXCEEDING goals.
Don't boil the ocean.
Leveraging goals. Leveraging goals into making new goals. Scoring goals.
Redefining value.
Make hay. Make haymakers.
Synergy.
Lots of management.
Positional flexibility.
Impact.
Prestige.
Worldwide.
Does this feel like a bullet-point-riddled, dated-feeling, overly-air-conditioned, middling-hotel-conference-room PowerPoint presentation yet? Awesome-- minus the hot dogs and the artificial-turf-stink and the families in jorts and flip-flops, I think I've captured the feel of Tropicana Field.
Kidding aside... the Rays are kind of rad; they live on the bleeding-edge, they operate without fear of peer ridicule, and they speak a different language than the rest of... see, it is kind of hard to discuss them without lapsing into businessspeak. Suffice it to say they're forward-looking, and good at getting to that future they see. When most teams still seek to identify smart ways to evaluate FA and prospect defense, they're winning with cheaply-acquired D (and a lot-- A LOT-- of pitching). Your favorite team is hoping to use its draft picks more efficiently, and they're picking 10 of the first 60 guys in last year's draft. You know that dressing on travel days thing? They did it first, and--frankly-- they do it better. 
"On the count of three, guys, say, 'Whites only.'"
They're who we want to be. Even if their super-wizard-sensei manager increasingly looks like one of the guys from Storage Wars.
"I'm thinking about making a very outside-of-the-box bid on this locker."
And even if they sometimes sign rapists, because the rape-iness makes those guys undervalued assets.
The Lineup:
(*Lefties/#Switchies)
Consistent, scary bats? Apparently, you don't need them to win... in the future...
C Jose Molina (108 PA, .196/.278/.309, 10 R, 2 HR, 10 RBI, 68 OPS+). 37-year-old MFY, nearing the end of his major-league tenure, most likely reckoning with the poor decision-making of his past, trying to come to terms with the approach of his career's gloaming. Sucks to be him.
1B Carlos Pena* (251 PA, .204/.347/.363, 30 R, 8 HR, 26 RBI, 104 OPS+). Off to his usual glacial start. Really a three-true-outcomes guy. Also, really good defensively. Also also, really good, like, in general.
2B Ben Zobrist# (246 PA, .218/.350/.416, 32 R, 8 HR, 25 RBI, 119 OPS+). Down year, but still a good all-around hitter, with a decent eye and multi-position glove, spending time everywhere but the battery during his Rays tenure. Nicknamed "Zorilla" because of his spurts of power, hitting ability, and propensity for stomping Japanese to death. Vocally devout Christian-- married to a slightly-pushy Christian-pop-rock princess named Julianna... and yet, hypocritically, he finds plenty of time to steal (66 over the last three-plus seasons combined).
"What are you thinking about? Is it me? Is it what to Tweet today on our joint Twitter account? Is it Jesus? Ooh, I hope it's Jesus. Is it Jesus? Tellmetellmetellme."
3B Sean Rodriguez (195 PA, .217/.268/.343, 22 R, 5 HR, 17 RBI, 74 OPS+). Placeholding for an injured Evan Longoria. Former Next Big Thing with Angels and this squad, now a multi-position IF utility guy with great 3B glove and mild pop. Will teach you what it means to love, if you'll only let him.
Hey, girl.
SS Elliot Johnson# (139 PA, .268/.338/.374, 15 R, 3 HR, 14 RBI, 77 OPS+). Reid Brignac prospect-failure Backup Plan, like, C. Some speed, okay glove. Buy him a beer if you ever run into him, since he once fractured Francisco Cervelli's wrist in a ST game.
LF Desmond Jennings* (149 PA, .265/.322/.404, 22 R, 3 HR, 12 RBI, 107 OPS+). Five-tool guy, slowed by knee injuries and Super Two-ishness concerns to this point. Slightly more Carl Crawfordish than Milledge-y... but not by much as yet (see: knee injuries). JUST back from the DL.
"My sixth tool? Raw, unbridled ability to dance my feelings."
CF BJ Upton (186 PA, .277/.324/.422, 20 R, 4 HR, 21 RBI, 112 OPS+). Defensive stud and member of the SugarPants Norfolk Mafia, whose offense has never quite lived up to the prospect-spectations wrought by his talent/rookie numbers. Still has speed and spurty power to burn. Still wears a diamond stud in his ear, like it's 1990. Will most likely whack the living shit out of any Bobby Parnell offering placed in front of him.
RF Matt Joyce* (209 PA, .283/.399/.532, 34 R, 10 HR, 30 RBI, 164 OPS+). Oh, this happy-go-lucky, ex-Tiger, breakout-year-having motherfucker. You don't want to pitch to this smiley fucker. 
"Hi, there. Sorry about ruining your day with my sweep-fueling, confidence-destroying bombs. Want to go get a malted?"
DH Luke Scott (196 PA, .220/.281/.424, 18 R, 9 HR, 35 RBI, 98 OPS+). Hammers righties. Doesn't hit lefties nearly as hard as you might expect.
The Bench:
(*Lefties/#Switchies)
C Jose Lobaton# (30 PA, .308/.400/.423)— AAAA-y backup catcher. May cause nausea, unfair-hope-raising SSS-slugging, and itchy redness; use Loboton only as directed.
2B/3B Will Rhymes* (86 PA, .246/.326/.273)— Sounds like he's a Black-Eyed Pea. Is apparently not a Black-Eyed Pea. Does occasionally black out on-field.
IF/OF Drew Sutton# (39 PA, .243/.282/.351)— AAAA-y slugging utility guy. Was on three teams in a 24-hour span earlier this year. About as valuable as that fact implies.
DH/OF Hideki Matsui* (25 PA, .160/.160/.440)— Same old SlowerCrappierForeignerSlugger, with prodigious porn collection and possibly imaginary wife. Justifiably wary around Zorilla.
The Matchups:
Like a closeted Congressman, I swear we haven't seen any of these guys before.
Tuesday, 6/12: Eating Club vs.
RHP Alex Cobb (4 GS, 24 IP, 2-2 record, 4.13 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 16 K/8 BB, 2 HR allowed)— Low-90s fastball with some sink; an inconsistent, intermittently-good curve; mediocre slider; NICE changeup. Gets a little too cute with fastball nibbling at times. Doesn't miss as many bats as he did in the minors (9.5 K/9 at AA and AAA over the last two years), but makes up for it-- so far, at least-- by allowing a near-60-percent GB rate, and allowing that defense to do its thing behind him.
Wednesday, 6/13: Reliably Astounding vs.
LHP David Price (12 GS, 78 2/3 IP, 8-3 record, 2.40 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 70 K/27 BB, 5 HR allowed)— Awesome. Will strike out a million Mets. Prolific Twitterer. Tall. Hurt himself in ST "toweling off too vigorously."
"Keep walking, luxurious, quick-dry Turkish Cotton. I have no quarrel with you."
Thursday, 6/14: The Johan vs.
RHP Jeremy Hellickson (12 GS, 74 2/3 IP, 4-2 record, 2.65 ERA, 1.27 WHIP, 52 K/29 BB, 11 HR allowed)— Gets a lot of swings-and-misses, despite low K-rate. Second season with a REALLY low BABIP (.248). Pretty much like Cobb, but with more prospect hype and major-league experience. Should really strike out more batters. Should also keep an eye out for flying shit during BP.
"Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by Suicidal Local Team Merchandise)
"Guys like Chris Ramos and Wade Davis are your Costco-brand paper towels-- they'll mop up in a messy situation for a low price. Like a Spanish government, guys like J. P. Howell are lefty, and usually need a little bailing-out. Guys like Burke Badenhop smell Fish-y for a reason. Guys like Jake McGee are nasty. Guys like Joel Peralta are nasty, but occasionally don't finish what they started. And speaking of finishing strong, I'll Have Another... save, Fernando Rodney! Guys like you are like the glue factories of a bullpen like this, holding it all together, keeping everything from turning into dogmeat. Have you ever seen a mixed metaphor like that before? I blame the humidity, and my late night in one of Tampa/St. Petersburg's world-class tits-and-glitter purveyors. You know what I mean, right, guys?"
Exes:
Metly Rays: Save injured Jeff Keppinger, nobody.
Cartilaginous Metros: None.
LGM. (Though I wouldn't bet on it right now.)
