Jun 14 2012 11:51 PM
Yeah, so, how about them Reds?
Last time we visited them, I kicked off with this ambitious but stillborn KTE presentation, which preceded us splitting with them at Citi Fried Field in a short series we not been dealt a Jon Rauch meltdown. Listen, we just had a demonstrably awesome KTE PowerPoint pres about the Rays, and we went out and swept them. Why is that? Because knowledge is power, my friends. When the Reds came to town, I left you with only about 34% of the knowledge needed, and we walked into a sucker punch named Todd Frazier. “I DIDN’T HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE!” cried Jon Rauch as he stomped from the mound to the dugout in two steps*!” I pledge to not let that happen again.
[list]*Side question here. Can you imagine how terrifically terrifying it is, when Rauch gets knocked from the mound, to be in the dugout as he comes storming in looking for something to fuck up? Looking up from that low angle, it must be like being a South Seas islander in King Kong. You can’t fight him; you can only hope to appease him. For God’s sake, we need a virgin![/list:u]
So yeah, I promised you Redtalk — let’s do some Redtalk.
Congratulations, Mets, you just swept somebody. A lot of good things have come to pass this year, but have you built on any of them? No, you haven’t, and that sucks, so stay focused. The Reds just swept somebody too. The Cleveland Indians — and they’re just as good as the Rays, so don’t go thinking you’re all high and mighty and shit. These Reds have held or shared first place for about three weeks running now, which, you need to realize, is the NL Central version of where you want to be. They also did it while a flu bug has been sweeping through their club house.
Hey, one thing you can get out of a Red series is some old school shit. Dusty Baker wants his pitchers to cowboy up, his batters to swing hard, and his baserunners to come in hot. You hit a Red with a pitch, Dusty is not only gonna come back at you, but he’s going to stoke the fires of some old blood feud, like he did with Derek Lowe.
| "He don't respect himself because the word was that whatever he did and said, there was probably a good chance he was drinking at the ballpark at that time three or four years ago, so he don't remember what he said or what he did, OK?" |
…and…
| "I'm not denying nothing. I didn't order anybody to hit him, but I told him to buzz him and make him uncomfortable. That's what happened. Understand what I'm saying? Nobody hit him. But then he hit our guy.“ |
…and…
| "And what he was talking about was something that he said and did a few years ago. You've got to ask him what that was. Understand? And he got a lot of people involved in the situation that didn't need to be involved in the situation." |
…and…
| "Since he's such a big man, wants to run his mouth, tell him to run his mouth about himself.” |
…and…
| "That means don't mess with me or my team, that's what that means," |
That, my friends, is a real generous way to treat your local beat writer, giving him quotes like that. I’d suggest that the Mets go out and make a trade for Derek Lowe right now, seeing as he’s probably the angriest guy in baseball after reading that shit, but then I remembered that I hate the stink off of Derek Lowe’s back.
Last time out, I introduced you to Ryan Hanigan as your first-string catcher. He’s batting .290, he’s batting eighth, and he’s more or less doing his job of clearing the pitcher. He can throw people out, too.
Back in school, he was the guy you called "Toad."
Joey Votto is pretty much the best the National League has to offer right now. You figure, “Eleven homers is good, but that can be dealt with. It’s not even in the top ten.” You may think, “He’s hitting .362, but that’s David Wrightish, and we know that even Wright isn’t an unstoppable machine.”
Sit down and shut the fuck up. Stop thinking. Just stop.
Votto’s got 11 homers, yeah, but he’s also got 27 doubles, which translates to about 650 over a full season. Seriously, that’s careening toward a record pace of 71. Historic. What do you do with that? You pitch around him? Yeah, that’ll work. He’s got fifty walks, you shmuck. FIFTY! That’s 11% more than the number-two guy in the league. Don’t be an imbecile. You’re embarrassing yourself. The only way to confront this guy is to man up, go after him, and make sure there’s nobody on base when you do.
His OPS+ is 200. Joseph Votto is a big rock in the pit of the stomach of gods. GODS!
Back in school, you called him “Meech.” Hung out with him, palled up, and hoped the girls he passed on would fall your way. You pathetic flunky. You met Dawn that way, but deep down you always felt she was comparing you to him. It was YOU. YOU wrecked it for yourself.
Second base is Brandon Phillips. He’s multi-skilled and gilded of the glove, but he doesn’t steal any more. He’s hitting .292 and won’t get himself out. He’s the smiling guy on the cover of the media guide.
Back in school you tried calling him “B-Phi” (I know, right?), then “BP,” and finally “Beep-Beep.” Seriously, but you were still a little awkward then. But you shared a bed on a trip to the basketball tournament junior year and you’ve just silently agreed that you won’t talk about it.
Third base is the residence of Todd Frazier. Todd doesn’t have a standout stat, but he gets his extra base hits and they add up to a surprisingly high slugging percentage. That all started with us — things have just gone magically right for him since then — and I think it should end with us.
Todd doesn’t care what you do — auto shop, biophysics, fascist autocracy — he wants you to give it your all. Unless “it” means “standard spelling.” Good luck to you, FrazierFan#2121!
Back in school, you called him “Oswald.” Your sister liked him and blushed when he was around and you privately thought less of her for it.
This is a team of young veterans, and that sort of makes oldish rookie Zack Cozart the kid on the team. Zack has had his head in the toilet this week, MIA on Tuesday and Wednesday with the flu. He, Frazier, and second catcher Devin Mesoraco were taken with consecutive picks in the second round of the 2007 draft, so that’s looking a nice little haul five years later.
He would have played more last year, but a takeout by Nate McLouth took him the fuck out for the season, and now he’s a rare non-pitcher who’s a veteran of Tommy John surgery. I’m guessing Dusty Baker is going to let that one simmer and go after McLouth four years from now. Or haunt him from the grave or something. Bad blood boils deep with the Reds. It simmers and steams and it bubbles over just when you need to go get the phone.
Anyhow, pitch to Cozart until it’s clear he’s got his strength back. And then pitch to him anyway. (What are you gonna do? Walk him?) Their infield backups are Wilson Valdez and Miguel Cairo — two ex-Mets who were so flaccid in Flushing that it’s infuriating to see them still earning big league pay.
Back in school you called him “Bone.” He was flattered but it was really short for Bonehead. His politics drove you crazy — not because you disagreed with him but because they were so ill-thought-out and he was so passionately out there about them. Bonehead.
Leftfield is utility guy Ryan Ludwick. Luddy is past his sell-by date, but injuries have forced him into the lineup. He’s from the Ricky Henderson/Cleon Jones club — the rare animals who bat righty and throw lefty and usually end up left field. Something crazy happened to this guy in 2008 and he drove in 113 runs (24% of his career total — maybe he’s the answer to that trivia question from Chad Ochoseis) and made the All Star team, productivity he’s hardly sniffed since. He’s OPS’d under .700 with three straight teams now and the Nationals aren’t running a charity anymore, so good luck to hm.
He lives in Texas and named his son Stetson Tyler. Why don’t you just name him Texas Ranger and be done with it?
Back in school you called him “Warrior,” based on him eating like “Warrior is hungry!” from the coin-operated video game Gauntlet.
(Nice Mark McGwire pose, Warrior.)
Centerfield is Chris Heisey. He’s mostly played left this eyar, but he’s been subbing for an injured Drew Stubbs. He’s a righthander with a big lefty loop in his swing who’s been a Murpharian drain on the Reds power this year. If you absolutely must pitch to somebody, and you must pitch to him. Get him up and in like you’re supposed to with guys with that loopy thing. He’s got 10 hits in his last six games but he hasn’t had an RBI since Donna Summer died or something. This guy had 18 homers last year, so I don’t know what’s going on, but he and Murphy must have the same dry cleaner or something, because these guys hit for extra bases, but he, alas, has missed the memo.
Indeed, On June 22, 2011, Heisey hit three home runs in a game against the New York Yankees, which frankly makes me want to write him perfumed letters.
Back in school, you called him “McGoogle.” It was just something Coach came up with and who knows why Coach does the things he does? He could have gotten every girl on campus but pretty much kept the same one for four years and was cool with that. You were impressed, as you were one to take it on the run, following Meech around like a dog.
Right field is Jay Bruce. Hits a lot of homers. Not much else offensively, but that’s enough. Has a Duda-like intensity and is pretty analgous to Duda in general, but is more experienced and better (much better perhaps) in the field. You know, he was supposed to be the super-studmuffin, and while we all waited for that to come to pass, Votto became a killer-diller. It’s really a stealth stud development program. You’ve got to respect that.
In 2009, his season ended against the Mets when he fractured his arm sliding for a ball. You remember that sort of thing — seasons ended while playing your team. I don’t’ know — maybe that’s slowed his development. He’s streaky, and he has his detractors among Votto-spoiled Cincy fans, who don’t know how good they’ve got it.
Back in school, you called him “Craze.” It drove him nuts and he’d chase you all over the dorm trying to kill you, which only reinforced the nickname. It was hilarious and cruel and almost worth the crippling dead arms that he gave you when he caught you. Almost.
Starting against Dillon Gee in game one is Bronson Arroyo, who has been around for awhile, and is still hoping to wake up where you are.
[youtube]VjhrMWhB6Uo[/youtube]
I guess on the list of 2004 Red Sox whose act wore thin as un-self-awareness deteriorated into high self-regard and gross-self-indulgence, you could do worse than Bronson. (Derek Lowe, for instance.) I like that he’s still around, because he’s a guy I feel like we do well against, even though he’s not (he’s 7-3, 3.57 lifetime against Mets). It’s his sixth year in Cincy, and he led the freaking league in runs allowed and homers last year, so let’s remind him of some of that.
The dude nearly broke the record in homers yielded last year, and actually actually walks around with the nickname “Saturn Nuts.” What do you do with that? Most runs in the league, corn rows, Goo Goo Dolls, stupid nickname --- how do you shame a pitcher with no shame?
The baseballishly named Homer Bailey goes against us (and Jon Niese) on Saturday. He’s a consistently mediocre 4.50-ERA pitcher. We missed him last time but have historically beat him up, to the tune of a 13.00 ERA in two starts. He’s from Texas (and most of this team seems to be from Dixie).
Johnny Cueto catches Chris Young on Sunday. He’s our first Latino (San Pedro de Marcoris, natch), as this team seems to do its best development stateside (notable exception is Cuban free agent Aroldis Chapman below). Cueto is having an All Star year (7-3, 2.46). He doesn’t strike out a lot, but really keeps is walks down and battles you. Was on his way to a fine year last year also, but his arm got wonky. Tendonitis or something.
Listen now, you want to get ahead of these guys early, because Aroldis Chapman is in their bullpen, and his stuff is filthy, and the Mets had a lot of trouble with him last series (but still managed an unearned run in two innings). Curiously, Dusty Baker was originally going to fellow lefty Sean Marshall for the ninth, but now Chapman is the Closerman (big change from last series). Aroldis has given up runs in his last three outings, and still sports a 1.13 ERA. Hopefully we catch him while he’s cold, because he’s mostly been white hot, while Marshall has been more pedestrian.
The Redlegs have had more than their share of pain this year.
[list][*]They signed Ryan Madson and then watched him go down for the year in spring training.[/*:m]
[*]Scott Rolen started poorly and then hurt his shoulder. He was expected to be back by now, but ain’t. If he does make it back, he’ll probably be reduced to bench duty. Looking like the end of the line for Scotty.[/*:m]
[*]Reliever Nick Masset (shoulder) was also expected back by now, but also ain’t.[/*:m]
[*]Reliever Bill Bray is rehabbing in the minors after straining his back, his groin, and everything.[/*:m]
[*]Centerfielder Drew Stubbs has been out with a strained oblique (cue rant by Keith Hernandez), and was another one of the Reds with the flu. Puking with a strained oblique sounds God awful. I think they're not sure whether they want to DL him, and are trying to carry him until he gets back on the field.[/*:m]
[*]Starter Mike Leake also got the pukies, but we miss him this time anyhow, which is too bad, because he’s really channeled his inner badness this season.[/*:m][/list:u]
Ex-Mets include the aforementioned Miguel Cairo and Wilson Valdez backing up in the infield. Bamberger-era Met Rick Sweet is their organizational catching coordinator. (Don’t expect him to get much action this series.) As far as I can see, no Mets players or other uniform personnel have ever called themselves Red.
The teams look perhaps pretty comparable, both deep offensive clubs, with the Reds studlier (more powerful and more Vottorific) and the Mets perhaps more versatile. The Reds have the better defense and the Mets, while stronger at the top of the rotation, won’t be pitching Dickey or Santana.
If you want to win this, you have to bop. I’d say to get to their bullpen early, but despite injuries, they are a deep, capable bunch, with righties Jose Arredondo, Logan Ondrusek, Sam LeCure, and Alfredo Simon ready to provide able support to lefties Marshall and Chapman.
This could be a slugfest of a series, so polish your bats, muscle up, and play some clean ball. For once. Go, Mets!
