Apr 19 2013 04:37 AM
I thought I'd combine a KTE with some Presidential trivia. I am a voracious reader of history, not to mention having majored in that subject as a college student (OK, I actually majored in weed and multicultural poonaner chasing, but I also wrote some papers and whatnot). Plus, there's more to the presidents than just which big headed mascot crosses a race around the warning track first.
So, without further adieu, let's smarten you bastards up (no offense meant). Stats are from earlier in the week when I started compiling this witty blend.
C: Kurt Suzuki. Batting .368, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, OPS 1.204. Had been splitting time with Wilson Ramos who recently found his way to the DL. Former glove man in Oaktown.
Presidential fact: James Buchanan was our nation's only bachelor president. He was known as a “dandy” and his great love was Senator William Rufus King of Alabama. Ah, forbidden North/South man lust. What's not to enjoy? Aside from 19th century Southern penises that stink of mint julep, that is.
1B: Adam LaRoche – batting just .147 with 2 HR and 4 RBI, .540 OPS. Not much thus far, though he had his typical strong 2012 with reliable power and average numbers.
Presidential fact: Andrew Johnson was so shit drunk at his inauguration that he slurred his oaths and was not able to swear in the new senators. Also, he had fifteen testicles and was often referred to by beltway insiders as “the marble bag” or “pocket full of rye.”
2B: Danny Espinosa (.175 BA, 1 HR, 3 RBIs, .583 OPS). Another slow starter, respectable hitting numbers from last year, bound to eventually start hitting.
Presidential fact: John Quincy Adams was, of course, the first president to also have been the son of a prior president. He also, after serving a single term as President, returned to Congress where he continued to represent his native Massachusetts until his death. He was also the American first credited with the idea of pairing up chicken and waffles.
SS: Ian Desmond (.320, 2 HR, 3 RBIs, .927 OPS): More or less picking up where he left off in 2012, where he put up surprisingly strong power and average numbers. 
Presidential fact: Grover Cleveland, aside from serving two non-consecutive terms, also won the popular vote in the interim election where he lost the electoral vote to Benjamin Harrison, meaning he won three straight popular elections (1884, 1888 and 1892). He also was the President to marry the youngest-ever first lady, 21 year old Frances Folsom, while in office in 1886. Back in the 1880s, a man who was Cleveland's age (49) and married a woman of the age of 21 was often referred to as “totally awesome” and “bitchin rad.”
3B: Ryan Zimmerman (.239, 1 HR, 11 RBI, .712 OPS): The “David Wright” of Washington is driving in runs at least. Plays a strong defensive 3B and needs to stay on the field, an issue for him historically.
Presidential fact: William Howard Taft was our nation's heaviest President, often getting stuck in the White House tub and requiring the assistance of his staff in getting liberated. He also replaced the typical bath time rubber ducks with Peking duck. Also, well known for taking the nastiest dumps of any President. Big guys take a mean shit.
LF: Bryce Harper (.320, 5 HR, 10 RBI, 1.022 OPS). The kid is off to a white hot start. He is, to quote the Anchorman, “kind of a big deal.” 
Presidential fact: In the 1950's, at one point, Ronald Reagan's acting career had hit such a rut that he went to Vegas to try his hand at stand up comedy. Excerpts from one of his shows:
“What's the deal with Alzheimers? Why is there human waste in my underpants? That's what I want to know!”
CF: Denard Span (.313, 0 HR, 5 RBI, .775 OPS): Acquired from Minnesota in the offseason to hit leadoff and patrol center field. Your prototypical “leadoff guy” who has a shitty OBP but runs fast and can steal 10-15 bases per year. Michael Bourn-lite.
Presidential fact: Calvin Coolidge often slept over ten hours per day and had a morning ritual where he had someone rub Vaseline on his head while he ate breakfast in bed. I have a similar ritual but there are some not so subtle variations that I won't get into here.
RF: Jayson Werth (.294, 3 HR, 8 RBI, .811 OPS): the next season that he has to justify that retarded contract he signed will be his first, though he's off to a respectable start. I can't confirm but the odds are good that he has stupid looking facial hair.
Presidential fact: Thomas Jefferson had two pet bears, sent to him as cubs by Lewis and Clark. He kept them on the lawn of the White House and took them on walks around the capital. Also, one of these bears quite possibly may have had Jim Henson's hand in his asshole and told top shelf vaudeville jokes.
Bench: Steve Lombardozzi, Tyler Moore, Roger Bernadina, backup catcher du jour. Don't care, don't care, don't care.
Pitching matchups (all tentative based on how this week's games play out):
Friday Harvey v. Strasburg (3-0, 2.45 ERA, 11 K in 22 IP). Marquee pitching matchup tonight in Matt Harvey vs “their Matt Harvey.” Guy throws gas, it is well known.
Presidential fact: Twenty-ninth president Warren G Harding (1865-1923) repeatedly made love to a young girl, Nan Britton, in a White House closet. On one occasion, Secret Service agents had to stop his wife from beating down the closet door. I use this phrase at home all the time, often asking the wife if I can “get all up in her white house closet.” It usually doesn’t work.
Saturday: Hefner vs Gio Gonzalez (1-1, 4.50 ERA, 1.25 WHIP). Coming off a career year in 2012 but off to a so-so start thus far. 
Presidential fact: Chester A. Arthur once fucked a mailbox.
Sunday: Dillon Gee vs. Jordan Zimmermann (3-0, 2.45 ERA). Numbers identical to Strasburg. Apparently we’re missing the ass end of their rotation, if there is such a thing.
Presidential fact: James K Polk died three months after his term ended. His official cause of death was listed as diarrhea. Apparently he had found the location of the nation’s first Chipotle restaurant.
Bullpen:
Closer: Rafael Soriano (0-0 W-L, 5 SVs, 5.14 ERA) – signed to a big contract and expected to carry the ball in the 9th inning. Closed last year for the MFYs so now, presumably, also has dead bodies floating in the pool at his home in Latin America.
Presidential fact: Gerald Ford used to pass gas and then blame the Secret Service agents in the room when it happened. We call that today “dropping a Fillmore.”
Bullpen arms: Drew Storen, Ryan Mattheus, Tyler Clippard, Craig Stammen, Henry Rodriguez. They are basically like our bullpen except they are good at pitching.
Former Mets in DC: Intrepid skipper Davey Johnson, of course. Maybe some others. I got shit to do.
Former Nats in Flushing: Um, none?
Prediction: Mets sweep. Duh.