Apr 26 2013 10:26 AM
Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Apr 26 2013 10:58 AM
The Breakdown:
No offense, guys, but that's the problem exactly. No, really, there's no offense (38 runs in the last 14 games). They're 11th in the NL in getting on-base, 10th at slugging, and the fourth-worst team in the majors at hitting fastballs. At .250/.302/.380, they are, in essence, Tomas Perez The Team. Hence, time for a breakdown (5-9 since we saw them last; 3-8 in the last 11; winless in the last three series, the last two at home).
? My fastball (No you're never gonna get it) Not this time (Never ever gonna get it) ?
The rotation has bounced back somewhat, with relative returns-to-form from Hamels and Halladay, and 8 Quality Starts in the last two rotation turns. Plus, guys like the previously-mentioned Tyler Cloyd, Jesse Biddle (16Ks in AA the other night), and the solid-if-limited, recently-promoted Jonathan Pettitbone (see below) lurk in the wings by way of potential reinforcement. But, still... for fuck's sake, they're hitting .260 as a team on fastballs. From guys like Alex Sanabia and Jeff Locke and a pitching-hurt Jaime Garcia. Outside of Southie vampires or Bruce Wayne on a Haitian vacation, bats don't get any more cursed. And hey... how about that lockdown bullpen! (2 blown saves and 5 bullpen losses in the last ten games, and talk of drastic velocity loss with the shaved-bonobo-in-a-uniform closer.)
The Ups:
-- 2B Chase Utley. Wielding the stick and crowding the plate to the tune of .309/.360/.543 and 9 XBH in 89 PAs. Also, he's looking frisky on the basepaths. So, yeah, that's great.
-- 3B Michael Young. Getting on-base at a .372 clip, and providing a solid 0.5 WAR as yet. Judging by his teammates' performance, though, his intangibles are toxic.
--RF John Mayberry. Walkin' (7 in 58 PAs) and sluggin' (.471, 6 doubles) and lightin' up rooms with his smile.
It's electric!
The Downs:
-- 1B Ryan Howard. Slugging .402 and walking as much as Collin Cowgill with leg cramps. On the plus side, he still moves on the bases like John Buck with a glandular problem and handles the glove like Lucas Duda with arthritis, and has a contract like Johan with more incriminating photos of his GM.
-- CF Ben Revere. Yes, he wasn't expected to be Rowand or Victorino, but .202/.207/.242 and 4 walks in 89 PAs and -9 runs saved with the glove (stuff like this notwithstanding) has Cholly moving him around in the lineup and everyone else trying to figure out what's wrong or laughing to keep from crying.
-- RF Domonic Brown. After the hot spring, a month in, he's at .245/.343/.371... with fielding and baserunning that will remind you of the Brown you see in a truckstop toilet.
But he does hit quite an athletic 340-foot flyout.
The Matchups:
Monday, 4/8: Vacillation Row vs.
RHP Kyle Kendrick (4 GS, 24 2/3 IP, 1-1 record, 3.28 ERA, 1.34 WHIP, 19 K/7 BB, 3 HR allowed, 118 ERA+): This guy.
Tuesday, 4/9: Elbow Fun vs.
RHP Jonathan Pettibone (1 GS, 5 1/3 IP, 0-0 record, 3.38 ERA, 1.13 WHIP, 6 K/0 BB, 2 HR allowed, 122 ERA+): Pitch-to-contact guy (sub-7 K/9 in the minors) with good command but just-okay walk numbers. Good sink on the fastball, and good changeup, but after that, precious little. Dad pitched in the majors briefly for Minnesota, and also on their AA team managed by a slender, raven-haired, Day-Glo-t-shirt-clad Charlie Manuel.
Arm of a potential workhorse; oral palate of a current regularhorse
Wednesday, 4/10: TenderLeg vs.
LHP Cole Hamels (5 GS, 31 2/3 IP, 0-3 record, 5.40 ERA, 1.33 WHIP, 26 K/11 BB, 5 HR allowed, 72 ERA+): Gave up 6 homers in two starts, and has gotten less support than Dolly Parton on laundry day in the others; the team's 0-5 when he's atop the hill, no doubt in embarrassing underwear his wife picked out for him. Proud owner of a joint Twitter account, because of course he is.
? I'm too sexy for my dignity, too sexy for my pride... so sexy it hurts my sense of self-awarene-ess. ?
Catching Up With The "Guys?" In The Bullpen (brought to you by Bald Guy With Emphysema)
"There are a lot of Guys here who are not having the seasons you'd expect of them. Guys like Jonathan Pap--"
[Knocked unconscious and covered in coughed-up bile by dude in Utley shirsey, accidentally]
LGM.
