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Yeah, So the Reds

Edgy MD May 19 2013 10:05 PM

The Reds have had perhaps the most frightening frontline lineup in the National League for a few years now --- young, home-grown, athletic, and refined. The only thing keeping them from having made a few World Series appearances from now seems to be depth. Some big shot goes down, as somebody inevitably will, and the Reds plug some bottle of joke-a-cola like Miguel Cairo in there. Thusly, the likes of San Francisco and St. Louis have become the recent class of the league, with less megatonnage up front, perhaps, but with deeper arsenals. C: Ryan Hanigan (one N... well, three, but not consecutively) is a talent, but which one will we get? He batted .079 in 12 April starts, an average that would surely embarrass Ike Davis. They then diagnosed a sore right thumb and a strained oblique for good measure. He went on the DL and is 6-20 (.300) with a homer since coming back. Lousy trainers! Hanigan went to Andover High School, which just has to be suckiest, with the best and richest and most connected people in the world --- future presidents, certainly --- all going to the snooty private school across town. Devin Mesoraco is not a geological epoch. He's the Reds' backup catcher. Low batting average, puncher's power, strong forearms. Pretty much a backup catcher in that regard. But the Reds tend to consider him a prospect, so look for him to keep getting some of Hanigan's time. Mesoraco went to Puxatawny High, which just has to be the suckiest, with the opposing team's all making the same three tired cracks ("Hey, batter, wuzza matta? You see your shadow?") that were never funny decades ago when they were coined. Joey Votto is somebody to simply not pitch to. He's won one MVP, but in any given year, he starts the season as the favorite, as far I'm concerned. Not enough is written about this guy, I think, or this particular fact: He's the three-time (consecutive) defending OBP champ. (He came in fourth in 2009.) How's that crown doing now? Well, he's currently leading both leagues with a .473 OBP. Up until today, he had reached base in eight straight appearances. He's also in the middle of an eight-game hitting streak during which he's hit something stupid like .515. He reaches base in large part as a byproduct of being a terrifying slugger, and he's slugged .551 over the course of his career. This number would make him the Mets' all-time champ, if he ever played for the Mets. Votto went to Toronto's Richview Collegiate Institute, which had to have been the worst, going to the school that produced the Cowboy Junkies, knowing you could never be the coolest alterna-rock-blues act the school ever produced. I bet the school had ski team bullies too. Ugh! Brandon Phillips plays second base and is the most ridiculously consistent borderline All Star you'll meet, only making two AS teams but never having a bad season and never getting hurt. Three gold gloves and two silver sluggers and... you get the photo. He's also a cool dude. He tweeted about how happy he was to get a day off last year and a 13-year-old asked him if he'd like to spend it coming to his Babe Ruth league game, and [url]damned if Brandon didn't show. Interesting fact: was buried in the Expos (!) farm system before being dealt by Omar Minaya in the notorious Bartolo Colon deal. Brandon went to Redan High School in Stone Mountain, Georgia, which had to have been the worst, being a man of color growing up in the shadow of a giant sculpted mountain carved in the honor and likeness of the Confederate army. Fucking nice. Third base belongs to Todd Frazier, who was pretty good last year, but ain't this year and I suspect (optimistically) is no great shakes. But he's got pedigree coming out of his ass. He's got two brothers who are pros and he was a sandwich pick out of Rutgers. Back in the day, he was part of that Tom's River Little League World Series team that walked off with all the ducats, and I don't care if you turn out to be Derek Bell or Sean Burroughs, you beat Taiwan while you're on a team legitimately packed with twelvesies, you get to brag a little. Had a two-homer game last year in front of friends and fams at Citi Field, connecting off Johan Santana and D.J. Carrasco, which really might surprise anybody who didn't recall D.J. being a 2012 Met. That sorta shit made him a Topps all-rookie guy last year, but I'm betting on him having a fall-back year. He went to Tom's River South High School, which had to have been the worst, being part of this big township that allowed you to stack your Little League team at 12, but divided the talent up among multiple high schools. WHO WANTS TO PEAK AT 12?! Shit, midnight in Baltimore. To be continued...

Edgy MD May 20 2013 07:47 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

You know, you figure shortstop might be a rare position that isn't a strength for the Reds. Since the end of the Larkin era, they've gone with the average (Felipe Lopez) and the wish-I-were-average (Paul Janish), hitters who can't field stopgaps (Jeff Keppinger) and once-good-guys-past-their-sell-by-date (Alex Gonzalez, Orlando Cabrera). So yeah, at least the Reds aren't hurting you at shortstop, right? Then last year, they get all Reese Havens and come up with a 26-year-old rookie in Zack Cosart. Solid hitter, solid fielder. Good athlete. Bunts like he was born to do it. Had a great start to his season last year, but he tailed off in the middle, and an injury on a tag play (Nate McLouth slid into his arm) ended his season with a rare Tommy John surgery for a position player. Cozart went to Collierville High School in Tennessee, which which just has to be suckiest, as their mascot is Blister the Dragon. Who is intimidated by a guy named Blister?

Edgy MD May 20 2013 09:18 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

So, Ryan Ludwick is a decent player. Gives a good effort and such. But last year, he puts together one of his best years ever at 33. Good for him. The Reds, perhaps ill-advisedly, considering their limited resources, reward the Luddite with a two-year, $17.5 million contract and a third option year with a not-too-modest $4.5 million buyout guaranteed. He starts that contract off with an opening day slide that dislocates his shouder. He's possibly out for the season and likely compromised for the duration of his contract. That's what you get for being generous. But they're the Reds, and they demand badasses at every position. Part-timer Chris Heisey stepped in, but he played badly, strained a hammy, and then re-injured it in his first rehab game. He won't be back anytime soon. So partier-timier Xavier Paul ends up in left, and he's the bomb, walking like a badass and reaching at .407 clip. Freaking Reds. Frea. King. Reds. I mean, what's the deal? Throughout his career, Paul puts up an isolated OBP of about .040. Not happenin', right? Then he becomes a Red, and in 50 games last year, he bumps that up to .065, and now it's at .136. Who is the batting coach for these guys? (Answer: Brook Jacoby, with an assist from "Assistant Hitting Coach" Ronnie Ortegon). A "batting" guy, and an "assistant hitting" guy. These Reds pay attention to the craft. Ludwick went to Durango High School in Nevada, which probably wasn't too bad, but Kurt and Kyle Busch went there also. Kurt was older and Kyle younger and they probaly were big pains in the asses and that must've been the suckiest. Heisey went to Donegal High School in Pennsylvania. They defy trends in persisting to call themselves "the Indians," they have a building that looks like a prison... ... and claim to be "Developing each learner as a productive citizen who thoughtfully meets personal, community, and global challenges." Sounds like the suckiest to me. Paul? He went to Slidell High School in Lousiana, where he wasn't even the best player. That honor belonged to current Colorado Rockies pitcher Will Harris. Being a future big leaguer and not even getting to be the BMOC? Sucky? I would say so! Besides, baseball skillz and a name like Xavier Paul should have gotten him a scholarship to any number of prestigious Jesuit prep schools. Anyhow, Paul stands tall. But you know, not as freaking tall as Shin-Soo Choo. Make fun of a nursery rhyme of a Korean name, but the joke's on you, brother. Sister. Choo can play. You know that crap about Votto leading the league in on-base percentage? Well, the only guyy breathing at the same altitude is Choo. Votto is at .473, Choo at .456 and the next closest dude is at .416. A joker. A pretender. (Also our third baseman and captain, David Wright.) And he's not merely a disciplined model of restraint, either, but indeed has nine homers. GUH! Reds! Be weak somewhere, wouldya?! Choo is probably best as a corner outfielder at this point, so, you know, maybe that's a weakness, but he's not a sucker, either. Plus he's got a DWI on his record, and admitted to his shame compromising his play in the first part of 2011, so maybe we can leverage that somehow. Yeah, I don't think so either. I don't know where Choo went to High School, but he grew up in Pusan, South Korea, which is really prounounced "Busan" (??) but has been poorly phonetically adapted. That just is bullshit, growing up in the fastest growing economy in the world, the largest port from which spring all their exports, while he is mastering this Western game, and the Western world can't even bother to pronounce his town's name right, much less prepare themselves for the likes of him coming over to make the US national past-time his personal plaything. Sucky, sucky, sucky. Right field is the home of Jay Bruce. A textbook Burnitzian slugger with an arm like Dave Parker. Hasn't been so great so far this year, but when he's on, he can hit 'em to Pluto. Big, lefty, corn-fed Texan. Kind of looks like Duda without the awkward grill and the heavy legs. He went to Beumont High School in Texas, which you know is probably all football, football, football. That, to me, is just sucky, sucky, sucky. The suckiest, even. All this offense just gives me the vapors. I declare I need a break before I get to the pitching. Mercy.

MFS62 May 20 2013 09:31 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

So, ... far so good. I have to go to work and will check back late tonight. You're so on a roll. Later

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 20 2013 09:36 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

The Reds really are an interesting group. They're the team that really proved that the 2012 Mets were a fraud, or you know, not as good as they looked. Two series at CitiField where they took us apart, and that was that for 2012. I think that Choo trade was ballsy. I like how they stuck with Cueto until he suddenly looked like one of the best pitchers in the league. I think Dusty is like a fatal drawback however. Any, hands full especially now that Terry insists Rice shall not pitch tonight. Is it too late to swap carson for Edgin?

Edgy MD May 20 2013 09:41 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Well, the Reds aren't particuarly lefty, for all their graces, but the ones that are --- Votto, Choo, and Bruce --- are dangerous eggs. But I imagine, you know, pretty damn near as dangerous against lefties as righties. I mean, LaTroy Hawkins can walk them as well as Edgin can.

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 20 2013 09:46 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

I don't trust Carson or Hawkins to keep the ball in the yard.

Frayed Knot May 20 2013 10:13 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

One interesting bench player for the Reds is Donald Lutz So you're thinking, a 24 y/o rookie born in Watertown, NY isn't all that interesting, nor is getting 9 without a walk in the first 31 ABs of his career. But that born in Watertown is misleading to the overall story. Father was a military man (hence Watertown - that's Fort Drum, right?) but his parents divorced shortly after his birth at which point his mom takes the kid back to her native Germany to live. And while numerous players born in Germany (Ron Gardenhire for instance) have become ML baseball players, Lutz became, upon his late April debut, the first player to reach the major leagues having come through a German program. A fine example for Kai Gronauer if you ask me. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/19/sport ... d=all&_r=0

Edgy MD May 20 2013 12:23 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Yeah, I was getting to him. Lutz did his schoolboy days in Germany, and being the only American-born kid in his class had to have been die größte saugen. OK, on the mound, we have Johnny Cueto taking on Shuan Marcum. Cueto has been around for a half decade and has gotten better every year, recording 19 wins and a 2.78 ERA last year, while striking out 205 batters and walking only 49. Well-rounded dude. He wears facial hair and long braids of the sort that used to be an anathema to the Reds, and the relaxing of their restriction is sort of a disappointment. I like stuff that makes ball clubs different, and for the Reds, that meant getting to play the first game and conservative hairstyles. I wouldn't want that to be the rule on my team, and no amount of hair cropping can make Rob Dibble not a jerk, but like I said, it suggests that there's a real cultural clash out there in every game. Cueto started really well, putting up a 2.60 ERA in his first six games, but he's been out for a month with a strained right lat. He's done OK in two rehab starts with Class-A Dayton, but Dayton ain't the big leagues, so if the Mets can make him bleed a little, the Reds brain trust is going to have about 50 meetings. He admires Pedro Martinez, and like Pedro, has a wide repertoire --- mostly variations on a breaking fastball. [list][*]four-seam fastball (91–95),[/*:m] [*]two-seam fastball (92–95),[/*:m] [*]slider (81–86)[/*:m] [*]cut fastball (87–90).[/*:m][/list:u] Unlike Pedro, he's not as aggressive without the breaking pitches, using a slow curve occasionally against righties, and a changeup exclusively against lefties. Cueto played his schoolboy ball in the magical kingdom of San Pedro de Macoris. But he wasn't heavily pursuied by major league teams, many of whom believed him to be lying about his age, or too small to be an effective big league starter, to which he and his family and agent pointed again and again to the Pedro Martinez precedent. That must've been the suckiest.

Edgy MD May 20 2013 12:38 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Mike Leake, played by William Devane in The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training, goes in game two against Jon Niese. Leake joined the rotation after Cueto's injury but is sticking around after three good starts (and one three inning boner before that). He's no fill-in though. An alum of the prestigious ASU baseball program, he became the first guy since Xavier Nady to go straight from amateur ball to the majors, if'n' you don't count a sting in the Arizona Fall League. You probably should though. Spring 2011 sucked for big leaguers getting busted. Leake, no drunk driver, got himself hauled away for shoplifiting six American Rag T-shirts worth $59.88 from the Macy's store in downtown Cincinnati. Leake doesn't throw hard, but gets good movement. He features his four-seam fastball primarily. It's only 88-ish but has a cut to it. He varies that up with a curveball, a changeup that isn't that much of a dropoff at 81 MPH, and occasionally a cutter, and a hard slider that's tough if he can throw it for strikes. That might be the surprise pitch he pulls out in a big situation. Leake went to California's Valley Center High School for two years, which really must've been the suckiest, because despite starting and starring for the varsity as a frosh and soph, he transferred for his last two years to Fallbrook High School, alma mater of Matt F. Chico.

Edgy MD May 20 2013 12:47 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Solid youngish vet Mat (one T) Latos (also one T) is who the Mets draw in game number three, and he's been solid-plus since Cueto went down, going 4-0 with a 2.91 ERA (which is good enough to get you to 4-0 with this lineup). Like his two predecessors, he also works off of a steady diet of four seamers, but he brings it a litle harder (90-94). Off of that, he's got a slider (84–87 mph), a curveball (78–82 mph), and a changeup (82–85 mph) to punch you out with. And punch you out he will, strinking out eight guys per nine innings, which, adjusted for these Mets, probably looks more like 11. Mat went to Coconut Creek High School in Florida, which probably was pretty great, as great as things can be when you grow up in a crick town in Florida. I'm sweating to death just thinking about it. Ouch! (Damn skeeters...)

Edgy MD May 20 2013 01:19 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Closer Aroldis Chapman is just a spectacle out there. In four big-league seasons, he's whiffed 12.8, 12.8, 15.4, and 14.2 batters per nine. So yeah, it's an achievement just putting the ball in play against him. He's a lean and wicked lefty, who brings the old four seamer at 96-101. Goodness gracious, you may say, but back in 2010, big league scouts claimed to have clocked him at 105. Which is GETHEFUCKOUTAHERE, you know? The more believable speed in recent years may not represent a decline in performance so much as an effort to rein in his control, but when you throw that hard, a little wildness probably isn't a bad thing. His only other real pitch is slider in the high eighties that can work as a change against that heater. Throwing anything else for strikes is unfair when you got a smoker like that. Chapman grew up in Cuba, which was sucky enough that he attempted to leave, got caught, agreed to a probation with Raul F'n' Castro and then defected again, walking out on an international tournament in the Netherlands. He then set himself up with residency in Andorra so he could be a free agent and make lotsa dough right away. That's his right, and I'd probably do no less, but he's kinda dirty. He left a lot of family behind, including a newborn, was accused of informing on other players on the national team who were hoping to defect, and since getting here, has piled up enough speeding tickets to get his license taken away. He has not, to my knowledge stolen any American Rag T-shirts. So there's that. But here's where it gets good. As you know, yesterday's sudden drama really cracked any notions of Chapmanian invinciblity. Back to back homers with two outin the ninth by the likes of backup catcher Eric Kratz and roidy defensive infielder Freddy Galvis will do that. But according to Rickie Ricardo (seriously), the reason was... delicious desserts. “Could you imagine cream cheese and guava on a baked pastry? Well Chapman asked me for a box of 100, two boxes of 50. When I saw him on Sunday morning before the game, he was in the club house, he had just eaten about 18 of them. He couldn’t breathe!"

Zvon May 20 2013 03:14 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

John Cougar Lunchbucket wrote: I don't trust Carson or Hawkins to keep the ball in the yard. I wish it was a simple matter of trust. Great job Edge!

Chad Ochoseis May 20 2013 06:38 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

EdgyMD wrote: Spring 2011 sucked for big leaguers getting busted. Leake, no drunk driver, got himself hauled away for shoplifiting six American Rag T-shirts worth $59.88 from the Macy's store in downtown Cincinnati. Not only does he pitch and steal, he also hits - career .272/.302/.348. EdgyMD wrote: Mesoraco went to Puxatawny High, which just has to be the suckiest, with the opposing team's all making the same three tired cracks ("Hey, batter, wuzza matta? You see your shadow?") that were never funny decades ago when they were coined. Howie in the bottom of the second: "Mesoraco might get into the game if he sees his shadow".

Edgy MD May 20 2013 08:22 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Oh, poor Howie. Don't try standup. I should have mentioned. These guys have Jonathan Broxton, nose tackle.

MFS62 May 20 2013 09:31 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Worth the wait. Later

Edgy MD May 22 2013 02:23 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Well, I didn't deliver victory here. At all.

HahnSolo May 22 2013 02:26 PM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

John Cougar Lunchbucket wrote: They're the team that really proved that the 2012 Mets were a fraud, or you know, not as good as they looked. Two series at CitiField where they took us apart, and that was that for 2012. They do like playing in this Queens ballpark, don't they?

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr May 23 2013 10:44 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

Belatedly: this was so much more and better and morebetter than this lifesucking series deserved.

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 23 2013 10:47 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

HahnSolo wrote: John Cougar Lunchbucket wrote: They're the team that really proved that the 2012 Mets were a fraud, or you know, not as good as they looked. Two series at CitiField where they took us apart, and that was that for 2012. They do like playing in this Queens ballpark, don't they? Really. It's like the Mets are Jason Bay, and the Reds are the wall his head smashes into that turns into a humiliating inside-the-park home run. Or something.

Edgy MD May 23 2013 11:10 AM Re: Yeah, So the Reds

So, who's got the Braves series? Those chumps are so beatable.