Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

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Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 08:41 AM

Close your eyes. Think of a lunkhead reliever. From Hrbosky onward, the tradition flourishes. Embarrassingly so, perhaps, but flourish it does.

Now... open your eyes. (Amazingly you've read this far with your eyes closed.) Rate your reliever by taking the traits in column one and awarding him the value in column two if the shoe fits.

Trait Points
Hair
Attention-grabbing head shag 6
Seemingly obviously dyed hair 7
Shaven Head 8
Mullet 8
Ink
Tatts 4
Solemn biblical reference tattoo 5
Badass biblical reference tattoo 6
Barbed wire bicep tatt 7
Tattoos country/rap/calypso/metal lyrics on his
body like they're his mission statement 7
Sleeve of tatts 8
Neck tatts 9
Face tatt/tatts 10
Repertoire
Righthanded 6
Top pitch is the slider 6
Top pitch is the fastball 8
Has thrown 100 in a game 9
Has looked at the radar gun readout and
celebrated this +3
Each MPH over 100 +3
Facial Hair
Reg'lar beard 5
Goatee 6
...of unusual length +3
...forked or dyed a different color from head +2
Full shrubby beard 7
...combed out in a fan, forked, or dyed a
different color from the head +3
Sculpted facial hair 7
Seemingly obviously died beard 8
Pedigree
Has pitched for the Yankees 4
Has pitched for the Giants 6
Has pitched for the Braves 6
Has pitched for the Reds 8
Has played for as many has five teams 5
For each additional team +1
Accessories
Stupid titanium necklace 5
Gold rope necklace 8
Attention mongering eyeware 6
Necklace with the teeth/bones/relics of
things he's killed 10
Mouth
Quotes country/rap/calypso/metal lyrics
like they're his mission statement 5
Bigoted quotes, if only implicitly so 6
...but if they are overt +2
...and he's later unapologetic +2
...and if he's unapologetic after initially
pretending to be apologetic +2
Has claimed comments of his were taken
out of context 6
Has, at some point non-apologized/
apologized for "causing a distraction" 7
Body
Has worn a little extra at the waist 8
Shows off his biceps 8
Is as tall as 6'5" 7
For each additional inch +1
Is as heavy as 240 lbs. 7
For each additional 10 lb. +1
Rap Sheet
Has been arrested 6
Each subsequent bust +2
Has beaten up/brawled with a fan 8
Has been arrested with regard to a family
member 9
Has beaten up/brawled with a judge 10
Has been popped for PEDs 10
… with a bullshit excuse +4
Romance
Trashy wedding 5
Trashy gauche expensive wedding 7
Wife who really wants you to know about
her bosoms 8
Ugly divorce 9
Each additional ugly you can add to that
divorce +2
Accused of sex crime(s) 7
Convicted +3
Field Demeanor
Publicized preparation ritual 3
Shirt typically not fully buttoned 3
Enters to good-ol'-boy country 5
Enters to metal 7
... for each degree of menacing evil in the
METUHL! +1
Has a trademark strikeout face/fist pump 5
Has a trademark adrenaline-rush warmup
routine 7
Has a trademark save celebration 9

HahnSolo
Feb 04 2014 09:01 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Charlie Kerfeld rates at least an 89, though that could be higher as I am unaware if he has tats (almost a certainty) or the nature of said tats; nor am I aware of the white-trashiness of his nuptials or his arrest record, though I'm sure he earns points there. OH, and i am sure he entered to either country or metal, but have no evidence to back that up.

7 points - pretty sure he dyed his hair at one point
8 points - mullet at some point
6 points - RIghthanded
8 points - Fastballer
6 points - Braves
6 points - eyeware
7 points - apology/non-apology for getting sent to minors because of his weight
8 points - little extra at the waist
8 points - 6' 6"
7 points - at least 240
+3 points - officially listed at 225, but found one site that said he hit 275 before being farmed out
3 points - unbuttoned jersey. Now he didn't really do this but only because the Astros wore pullovers. No doubt that top button would have been undone if it were there.
5 points -trademark fist pump strikeout celebration
7 points - trademark warmup (running to the mound like a wild animal)

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 09:14 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Two things I might well have included. Points for doofy nicknames and tricked-out trucks.

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 09:17 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Kerfeld also gets bonus points for a mid-career name change from "Charlie" to "Charley." Did he not spell it right on his original contract?

HahnSolo
Feb 04 2014 09:26 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

And perhaps also bonus points for writing 37 boxes of jello into his contract so that he earned more than Jim DeShaies?

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 09:38 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Good Ron Hodges post.

Ashie62
Feb 04 2014 09:57 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Frankie Rodriguez..

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 09:59 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Now score him.

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 11:16 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Non-baseball players who are, in spirit, lunkhead relievers:

Christian Bale
Chris Christie
Li'l John
Armand Assante
John Daly
Pete Best.

Edgy MD
Feb 04 2014 10:54 PM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Just ran Jon Rauch through the machine, and he ranks a clean 87. He maybe presents a meathead, but character-wise, he's pretty much profiles as a dude. He took a lot of the crap sitting down from that twitter troll that got arrested, when you might've thought a guy like him would level a town or two. Can't say much about his marriage, but the neck tatt is supposedly a tribute to his wife and her fight with cancer.

Worst I could find about him is that he gave Jeff Pearlman the cold shoulder. That'll happen.

Jon Rauch, you're alright with me.

LeiterWagnerFasterStrongr
Feb 04 2014 11:27 PM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Just for kicks, ran current free agent Fernando Rodney through there... demonstrative mound celebrations and all, he's barely lunkier than your grandma, homes-- 67 (with most of it on-field, and none of it tatt-or-wife-related).

Maybe if this system gave hat-funkiness some daps.

Edgy MD
Feb 05 2014 06:33 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

I wouldn't begrudge you awarding a bonus there or altering the formula a bit as long as it stays within the spirit of the thing.

I counted Montreal and Washington separately for Rauch.

Edgy MD
Feb 05 2014 08:24 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Reviewing the Rauch Scorecard, I realized one can go as high as 96 with him, but some of it is disputable. Playing a long career, it gives a guy a chance to score multiple times in hair and beard categories. Perhaps I should just give a base score with additional points for variations. I also treat the Expats as two different teams.

Naturally, he scores big in bigness. But come on, there's got to be a three-figure guy out there. I could probably give him points for a full sleeve of tatts (by now, anyhow) but he's not quite there and I've graded too generously as it is.

Trait // Y?/N? // Points
=#FF8000]Hair
Shaven Head: Y [fimg=200]http://mlblogsbluejaysnest.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/rauch-blown-save.jpeg[/fimg] // 8
Mullet: Y [fimg=200]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_r2XSpoB_ScQ/R-2drA7kjrI/AAAAAAAAAoY/2MCid7uceTw/s400/Jon%2BRauch.jpg[/fimg] // 8
=#FF8000]Ink
Tatts: Y [fimg=200]http://athletetattoodatabase.com/img/wiki_up/jon.rauch2.jpg[/fimg]: 4
Barbed wire bicep tatt: Y (I'll count the flames): 7
Neck tatts: Y [fimg=200]http://athletetattoodatabase.com/img/wiki_up/jon.rauch1.jpg[/fimg]:
=#FF8000]Repertoire
Righthanded: Y: 6
Top pitch is the slider: Y: 6
=#FF8000]Facial Hair
Reg'lar beard: Y [fimg=200]http://0.tqn.com/d/phoenix/1/7/f/g/2/gettydbacks2009rauch.jpg[/fimg]: 5
Goatee: Y [fimg=200]http://mlblogsthehappyyoungster.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/jon20rauch-thumb-106x138-11130111.jpg[/fimg]:
...of unusual length: Y (Judges say kinda): 1
Sculpted facial hair: N (Judges say kinda but are giving him a pass here) [fimg=200]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aKW90D4O-xk/Tt7Y8OM26jI/AAAAAAAAKag/IQiQXJIsSAQ/s400/jon%2Brauch%2Bmets.jpg[/fimg]:
=#FF8000]Pedigree
Has played for as many has five teams: Y (CHW, MON, WSN (counting MON and WSN seperately), ARI, MIN): 5
For each additional team: Y-3 (TOR, NYM, MIA): 3
=#FF8000]Accessories 0
=#FF8000]Mouth 0
=#FF8000]Body
Shows off his guns: Y: 8
Is as tall as 6'5": Y [fimg=200]http://metsmerizedonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/jon-rauch-terry-collins-270x300.jpg[/fimg]: 7
For each additional inch: Y: 6
Is as heavy as 240 lbs.: Y: 7
For each additional 10 lb.: Y: 5
=#FF8000]Rap Sheet 0
=#FF8000]Romance 0
=#FF8000]Field Demeanor
Enters to metal: Y: 7
... for each degree of menacing evil in the METUHL!: Y [youtube]UWlSw5Kb0dg[/youtube]: +3

Total: 96[/bigpurple]

HahnSolo
Feb 05 2014 08:26 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Edgy MD wrote:
I wouldn't begrudge you awarding a bonus there or altering the formula a bit as long as it stays within the spirit of the thing.

I counted Montreal and Washington separately for Rauch.

Oh, good. Then lets give Kerfeld 2 points for the Jell-O contract rider; and another 2 for the same Jetsons shirt he wore every game.

Edgy MD
Feb 09 2014 05:36 PM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

I should have included suspensions in "Rap Sheet" section. I stumbled across a note that Rob Dibble was suspended six times in his career. That number is more amazing when you consider a modern reliever's workload gives him only so many opportunities to get suspended.

Checking the numbers, he totaled 477 innings over his career. That would mean, for every nine innings he threw, he had an 8.83% chance of incurring a suspension. Of course, being a white guy, he somehow parlayed that douchey lukheadedness into a lunkheaded broadcasting career.

Edgy MD
Feb 10 2014 08:17 AM
Re: Rate a Lunkhead Reliever

Nasty Boys reunited

http://www.fox19.com/story/24584651/nas ... rld-series.