Jan 24 2014 08:02 AM
What? We're the first to arrive for the fight? Why am I not surprised. We're Channel 2 baby! 
Always the first on the scene.
What up bitches. I'm Maurice DuBois. Think you got market appeal? Take a look at this shit. On the surface, I look like a well-spoken light-skinned African American. Bryant Gumbel got nothing on me. But wait, what? I'm Dominican? Get the fuck out. Mass market appeal. I was born to deliver the news in New York. I'm smart, I'm sympathetic, I'm the guy you would love to take home to mom. If you could get my attention anyway. But you can't, cuz I am the bomb.
Kristine Johnson here. I'm the smoking hot female co-anchor that probably has you wondering, "Is she black? I can't tell. Mixed race? I don't know, but she's hot." Half-Filipino, half Swedish. Bet you didn't see that coming. I have a naturally serious face perfect for delivering somber news. Tragic accidents? Local shootings? There is no one you'd rather hear it from than me. But my smile, when I choose to unleash it, is like a supernova of good feelings. Women love me because I am that strong, intelligent role model that is so hard to find. Men love me because they can't stop wondering what my legs must look like under this desk. Did I mention I was hot? Sue Simmons? Please. This is where it's at. 
Ladies, please calm down. There's enough to go around. I'm Lonnie Quinn, lead meteorologist of for WCBS. I know what you're thinking, "How is a weatherman this gorgeous?" It's both a gift and a curse. Sure, I used my rugged good looks to land soap opera gigs (All My Children, Santa Barbara) and that was pretty cool. But I'm a science guy. And all I want is to be respected for my brain. My spot on forecasts, my intricate explanation of weather patterns that your feeble mind can't grasp. Sure, I roll up my sleeves during my broadcast, but that's just because it's a sin to cover these man-forearms. These bitches need to breathe! But take me seriously! And stop thinking about how I could warm you up during a cold front. Careful ladies. I think your barometer level is rising.
Otis Livingston. Channel 2 sports. I am, simply stated, the best in town. Sure, I've got football, basketball and baseball, but everyone knows them. Do the other sportscasters have on-site reporting experience in tennis? golf? hockey? marathon running? horse-racing? Yes, horse racing. I can pick the winner based on smell. I know what you're thinking. "Otis, you have an athlete's build, were you an athlete yourself?" Sure. I was the point guard for the 1988 Kansas Jayhawks. You know, the team that won the national championship? Danny Manning anyone? Sure, technically I was dismissed for conduct detrimental to the team prior to the tournament, but I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to beatdown the other sportscasters and take out some of the frustration I've been bottling up since 1988.
Bring it on bitches.
