May 11 2014 08:51 PM
Scene: Mens' restroom, YS III (aka "The House that Boone Logan Built").
A solitary figure, standing at the urinal, back to the camera, talking to a pair of shoes in the nearby stall.
"You know, John, this promises to be a great series this week, what with the Mets coming to town. I haven't been this excited since that weekend I spent in Vermont with Tom Tresh and his brother and uncle and that vat of cream cheese."
Voice from stall.
"Agreed, Suze. Hey, while you're hanging your hog out there, let me bounce some of my latest home run calls off of you. I got this one for Brian McCann (.209 BA/.243 OBP/.345 SLG, 4 HR, 12 RBI)... 'It's high, it is far, it is GONE! Brian McCAN DO IT!"
"He sure can, John! He and I had a little rendezvous in the parking lot last night, and I can tell you, he's all man. He McCann stick things into my McAss!"
"Um, all right. For Teix (Mark Teixeira, .254/.383/.507, 5 HR, 13 RBI) I have this little gem. You'll like this more than you like anti itch creme, Suzie. It goes like this. 'And it's GONE! You can Teix-share-uh the happiness with me!'"
"Oh, John, that is just great. Better even than the time that Roger Maris slapped my ass 61 times."
"You know, Suzie, this turd here I just deuced looks a lot like Brian Roberts (.262/.336/.327, 1 HR, 7 RBI, 4 SB). And my new call for Roberts' home run trot is way less odorous than this lumpage, check it out... 'He just 'Robbed' that pitcher of his ERA!'"
"Wow, nice, John! Hang on a second, I just dropped my contacts in the urinal here, let me fish them out.
"While you're sucking on the hepatitis mint over there, Suzie, let's talk about Yangervis Solarte (.306/.391/.439, 1 HR, 15 RBI) at third! This guy is really doing a great job of carrying A-Rod's jock around, and this new homer call I've devised is equally super great. 'IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS GONE! THAT A-LARTE OF DISTANCE THERE!'"
"Wow, you're getting it done, John, much like the time I played hide the baloney with Steve Balboni."
"And, in left field, Brett Gardner's had some success early his year (.282/.347/.336, 1 HR, 11 RBI, 17 R, 7 SB). He doesn't go deep often but I've cooked this little number up..."
"Oh, he goes deeper than you think, John!"
"How about this kid Ellsbury? Having a good start so far (.317/.380/.463, 1 HR, 14 RBI, 10 SB, 18 R). My newest home run call is a doozy, too... IT IS GONE! HE ELLS-BURIED THAT ONE IN THE UPPER DECK!"
"Speaking of burying things, did I ever tell you about the time that Roy Smalley made me dress up like a garbage man? I took him to the dump that day, if you know what I'm saying."
"Suzyn, you are a beast. How about these old fogeys Beltran (.241/.291/.448, 5, 14) and Soriano (.238/.272/.413, 5, 13) at RF and DH? They're not hitting for average but at least there are lots of long balls coming off their bats."
"Speaking of long balls, John, let me tell you about that week I spent in Cancun with Hensley Meulens. That guy was all Meul!"
"Hey, granny panties, take it down a peg. Let's look over this week's pitchers coming up. Monday night we've got Colon going against Hiroki Kuroda (2-3 W-L, 4.43 ERA, 1.24 WHIP). He's been shaky this week, much like your accent."
"I know it John! He's been messier than a Jim Leyritz breathalyzer!"
"Tuesday night looks like more of the same, young Vidal Nino (1-0, 5.47, 1.5 WHIP) against Zach Wheeler for the Metsies. This Nino hasn't shown much yet but I'm hoping he can turn it around."
"Oh, he's shown more than you think, John! I haven't had so much action since that time that Oscar Gamble bought me those Afro merkins!"
"Just damn, woman! When we switch to Queens on Thursday we'll have Mejia up against rookie sensation Masahiro Tanaka! Since they'll be playing with real baseball rules, I've come up with a home run call for him. IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... GONE! WE'RE HOLDING OUT FOR MASA-HERO!"
"Impressive stuff, John! The last thing that impressed me that much was Luis Polonia's pole."
"I bet, you deranged slab of man-ham. Then, on Thursday, we've got Dillon Gee up against gastropod C.C. Sabathia. He's got a couple of career homers, so I hope to break out this little chestnut. IT IS GONE! SEE-SEE YOU LATER, YOU BALL!"
"Maybe your finest work yet, John. Nearly as fine as the time that I went all goopy all over Danny Tartabull's Chevy Impala. I was wetter than the body in Mariano's pool that day, mister."
"Hopefully, Suzyn, you weirdo, we get to see a lot of appearances from new closer David Robertson (1.13 ERA, 5 SV). He's back from an injury and performing yeoman's work as the primary fireman."
"Speaking of putting out fires, let me tell you about the burning I feel when I pee! It's been like that ever since I got dragged off into the storage closet with Ichiro (.373 BA, 19 hits, 15 singles off the bench). Now it burns and it 'itches-iro' in my 'vagina-ro!' Not only that, John, but I can confirm and dispel some of the myths about Asian men. Yes, his pubic hair is all straight as a pin. That's no joke. But Ichiro is well equipped, don't get the wrong idea. He's the best equipped guy this side of Charlie Samuels."
"Well, I think we've spent enough time in the toilet, don't you, Suze?"
"I sure do, John! I'm finally done letting it drip and I'm ready to call a game. I haven't been this ready since Michael Pineda let me apply pine tar to his..."
"OK, enough already! You goon. I can't handle it any more."