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The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

This is an actual serious column

4 votes

This is a parody column

1 votes

Mets Guy in Michigan May 29 2014 12:38 PM

OK people. Stumbled across this today and thought it was really funny. Or was it? It's a column written to Derek Jeter's unborn kids. You can guess. Is this a parody of the ultimate soft rain column, or is this a real serious Rick Reilly piece? I'll reveal later. Derek Jeter plays baseball with a grace that belies a strong competitive desire. To Derek Jeter's kids (whenever you come along): You were born too late to know your father the way we did, so I want to take just a minute to let you know what he meant to us. He was a kind of prince in baseball cleats, George Clooney in pinstripes, the guy every woman wanted to bring home to mom, and very few did. He was humble and handsome and yet hard to hate. He was like a good magician. You could never figure out how he did it. He was the best player in baseball for a good 10 years straight and yet he never won a batting title, never won an MVP, never was the highest-paid player in the game. The only thing he did better than anybody else was excel: five rings, 13 All-Star games, the greatest New York Yankee since Mickey Mantle. He spoke to the media every day, yet managed to say nothing. He dated the most traffic-stopping women, yet never seemed to wind up on Page Six or TMZ or "Extra." He never showed up in the clubhouse with a black eye to explain, a headline to deny or a photo to justify. "He could sense trouble coming," said his best friend, former teammate and retired catcher Jorge Posada. "We'd be at a restaurant. He'd say, 'That guy in the blue shirt. He's going to come over here and ask for an autograph.' And sure enough, 15 seconds later, the guy would be standing at our table." And he'd always sign. And look them in the eye. He got that from his parents, of course, your grandparents, Charles and Dorothy, who made him sign a contract every year promising to behave. You could swear he kept signing that contract every year he played. How he was loved! In a league full of bloated steroid cheats, he kept the same body, the same weight, the same helmet size. In a game full of bat-flipping prima donnas, he ran out every ground ball, hard. In a world of my-agent-doesn't-want-me-to-play multimillionaires, he played hurt more than we know. "Most of the time, he wasn't 100 percent," Posada said. "He'd come out of spring training and tell me, 'I'm already hurting,' but he wouldn't tell anybody else. He just kept going." Your father was everything men wanted to be. The guy with the $15 million Trump Tower penthouse. The dude dating Miss Universe. The man with all of the talent and none of the jerk. He was everything women wanted, too. The elegant athlete who loved books, paid for everything, and had a limo waiting for them when it was time to go. The stat-heads scoffed at him, but then the stat-heads never figured out a way to measure the things he did. Some guys would lean over the wall in foul territory to make a catch. Jeter would launch himself over it, sometimes two rows deep. He'd come out with a bruised face, a cut chin, and the ball. Jeter has played the game in a way that any fan can appreciate. Fourteen Yankees were captains, but none longer than your father, and that includes Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. Your father was like a rooster's crow. You could always depend on him. The only way to make him mad was to give him the night off. "He hated to sit out," says 39-year Yankees trainer Gene Monahan. "He'd drive me crazy. 'What am I supposed to do all night?' he'd say. I'd go, 'I don't know. Go run some laps!' He'd just sit there hoping they'd pinch hit him in the seventh." Oh, he had his faults. If you crossed him, even once, you were out forever. If he didn't get to the World Series, he would slip into a terrible funk. He could be a bit of a germ freak. He refused to use public bathrooms unless it was an emergency. He had zero patience for excuse-makers. One time, in Chicago, when he was a rookie, he tried to steal third with two outs and the big slugger Cecil Fielder up. He got caught. What did he do? He went and sat next to his manager. "I knew I'd screwed up," he said. "I wanted him to be able to yell at me if he wanted." Nobody had to yell at him much. He threw right, hit to right and did right. He began a foundation called Turn 2, which helps kids growing up in lousy situations, and he gave far more to it than money. One time, he showed up to watch a hapless Turn 2 Little League team. Not only hadn't they won a game, they hadn't even scored a run. When they finally scored one that game, he celebrated as though they'd all just landed on the moon. King or cook, he cared about you. When Monahan was fighting throat and neck cancer, Jeter would text him instead of call him, because he knew talking hurt. "Get back here," he wrote. "We've got your spot right here waiting for you." Said Monahan: "That kept me going." He had this way of making you feel you belonged. Before the first World Series game at Yankee Stadium after 9/11, President George W. Bush was to throw out the first pitch. Everybody was tense. Jeter walked up to Bush and said: "Throw from the mound or else they'll boo you." He was hilarious, but he didn't want you to know it. In his final goodbye season of 2014, I asked, "Who would you cross the street to avoid?" "You," he said. More than anything, he cherished playing for his beloved New York. "It's like a Broadway play here every night," he said. "You never know what's going to happen, but you know it's going to be a thrill." When his body just couldn't do it anymore, it was bittersweet. Nobody loved playing baseball more than your dad, but he was ready. "I'm going to finally see what Europe is like in the summer," he told me. "I've been on a schedule my whole life. The plan now is to have no plan." After that, he said he was going to settle down and have a family, which was unthinkable. Derek Jeter settling down? It was like an eagle deciding to take the bus. Glad he did, though, because genes this good shouldn't be wasted. If there was a better man in sports, I never met him. Your father was a gentleman. A charmer. A 1,000-point star. "He was the kind of guy you wanted to be next to," Posada said. He was ours for 20 years, but he's yours now, and I just wanted you to know how lucky you are.

Edgy MD May 29 2014 12:51 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Jeter is willing to sit next to you if you need to yell at him? Why did I never know this?

Ceetar May 29 2014 12:54 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

This was already in the other thread wasn't it?

Mets Guy in Michigan May 29 2014 12:55 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Ceetar wrote: This was already in the other thread wasn't it? Oops, I didn't know that!

Ceetar May 29 2014 01:06 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

metsguyinmichigan wrote: Ceetar wrote: This was already in the other thread wasn't it? Oops, I didn't know that! #Spoilers I still can't make it more than a sentence or two.

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 29 2014 01:07 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

I'm not going to read this column in this or any other thread.

Mets Guy in Michigan May 29 2014 01:11 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Ceetar wrote: Ceetar wrote: This was already in the other thread wasn't it? Oops, I didn't know that! #Spoilers I still can't make it more than a sentence or two. It's more fun if you think of it as an Onion parody.

Nymr83 May 29 2014 04:40 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

This would have made much more sense i n The Onion. Did he blow Jeter while actually writing this? Did he receive a gift basket?

Edgy MD May 29 2014 05:11 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Derek Jeter plays baseball with a grace that belies a strong competitive desire. To Derek Jeter's kids (whenever you come along): ... should actually read... Derek Jeter plays baseball with a grace that belies a strong competitive desire. To Derek Jeter's kids (which I hope to bear):

Benjamin Grimm May 29 2014 06:02 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

So the answer is that this is real? How can anyone read it without gagging?

Fman99 May 30 2014 04:11 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

I got about a dozen words in. Thanks anyway.

Mets – Willets Point May 30 2014 07:35 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

As I noted in the other thread, Poe's Law is in effect.

MFS62 May 30 2014 08:37 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Benjamin Grimm wrote: So the answer is that this is real? How can anyone read it without gagging? Gagging? The first sentence ( I barely managed to get through it and dared go no farther) made me wonder if there's a distance record for projectile vomiting. Later

Centerfield May 30 2014 10:03 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Rick Reilly wrote: He was like a good magician. You could never figure out how he did it. He was the best player in baseball for a good 10 years straight and yet he never won a batting title, never won an MVP, never was the highest-paid player in the game. The only thing he did better than anybody else was excel: five rings, 13 All-Star games, the greatest New York Yankee since Mickey Mantle. He spoke to the media every day, yet managed to say nothing. He dated the most traffic-stopping women, yet never seemed to wind up on Page Six or TMZ or "Extra." Reilly is right about one thing. He really was a magician. He has convinced fans and media that he was arguably one of the game's best players despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. (Since Jeter entered the league, Bonds was the WAR leader 5 times, ARod 4 times, Pujols has done it 3 times. Jeter has led the league in WAR once. As has Jon Valentin. Bonds, Pujols and ARod have littered the top ten on a yearly basis. Other than Jeter's league leading 1999, he's only cracked the top 10 one other time. The two appearances are fewer than Chuck Knoblauch). So yes, if Jeter was really the best player in baseball for 10 years, he managed to do this while fooling every statistic in baseball. By all accounts, Jeter is a really good guy. The media says it, people I have met who worked with Jeter for their charities confirm this. When we met him in person, he was really great to my son. But the guy is not a saint. He is sensitive, had a bitter fued/rivalry with Alex Rodriguez that had it's origins in needing to be better than his "friend". But somehow he got the world to villianize any of this competitors, and deify himself. In a time when the media was looking to be as cynical as possible, he somehow got them to paint a halo above his head. He refused to move from SS despite A-Rod being a much better choice. If the reverse had happened, A-Rod would have been skewered. This was swept under the table. Jeter was a terrific ballplayer and a great guy. What I despise are those that need to turn him into a God. I don't know that I can blame him for what idiots say about him. (Look at that! His powers even worked on me!)

Ceetar May 30 2014 10:08 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

A-Rod shouts at a fielder to try to get him to drop a ball, vilified. Jeter fakes/lies about being hit by a baseball to take first base, praised/ignored. (This is about as close to the 'flopping' stuff that goes on in other sports as you can get in baseball) Media constantly criticizes others for saying nothing to the media, Jeter purposefully says nothing, and retreats to player only sections when he can (which was praised as 'no nonsense' by Michael Kay) and the media praises him for not giving them anything to write about?

Centerfield May 30 2014 10:14 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

The thing that drives me crazy. Jeter runs after a ball, catches it, then dives into the stands. Hurts his face. Everyone talks about it for years. David Wright runs after a ball, dives into the stands, then catches the ball. Doesn't get hurt. No one remembers.

Ceetar May 30 2014 10:17 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

How about that playoff play where they attributed him being woefully out of position and getting lucky to some sort of omnipresence foresight?

John Cougar Lunchbucket May 30 2014 10:34 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Aided by the stupidest postseason baserunning error since Timo Perez.

Frayed Knot May 30 2014 11:46 AM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

"Jeter IS the best, just check out his stats!!!!" Centerfield wrote: Reilly is right about one thing. He really was a magician. He has convinced fans and media that he was arguably one of the game's best players despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. (Since Jeter entered the league, Bonds was the WAR leader 5 times, ARod 4 times, Pujols has done it 3 times. Jeter has led the league in WAR once. As has Jon Valentin. Bonds, Pujols and ARod have littered the top ten on a yearly basis. Other than Jeter's league leading 1999, he's only cracked the top 10 one other time. The two appearances are fewer than Chuck Knoblauch). So yes, if Jeter was really the best player in baseball for 10 years, he managed to do this while fooling every statistic in baseball. "Jeter's greatness isn't about stats!!"

Mets – Willets Point May 30 2014 02:12 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Frayed Knot wrote: "Jeter IS the best, just check out his stats!!!!" Centerfield wrote: Reilly is right about one thing. He really was a magician. He has convinced fans and media that he was arguably one of the game's best players despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. (Since Jeter entered the league, Bonds was the WAR leader 5 times, ARod 4 times, Pujols has done it 3 times. Jeter has led the league in WAR once. As has Jon Valentin. Bonds, Pujols and ARod have littered the top ten on a yearly basis. Other than Jeter's league leading 1999, he's only cracked the top 10 one other time. The two appearances are fewer than Chuck Knoblauch). So yes, if Jeter was really the best player in baseball for 10 years, he managed to do this while fooling every statistic in baseball. "Jeter's greatness isn't about stats!!" You have to include the stats of all the people around him whom he made better.

Mets Guy in Michigan May 30 2014 02:14 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Stats? You can't put a number on intangibles or class!

Ceetar May 30 2014 02:23 PM Re: The Onion or a real Rick Reilly column?

Jeter apparently downsized in 2012, selling his place in Trump World Plaza where he snuck the girls in through the back door before giving them giftbaskets. Trump had this to say about it Derek Jeter had a great career until 3 days ago when he sold his apartment at Trump World Tower- I told him not to sell- karma?