Aug 01 2016 01:46 AM
So, here we are, a fine day for baseball here at Yankee Stadium, and I gotta tell you, John, I am just so excited for a visit from the crosstown Mets! I haven’t been this jacked up since that long weekend I spent in Lake Tahoe with Roy Smalley (and let me tell you, he should have filed for a name change!)
Well, Suzyn, I have to admit, that is some gross stuff right there. I’d rather watch Joe Torre take a dump than imagine you performing the coitus act. But, I digress. Let’s look at where the Yankees are this year! This is an old team, Suzyn, with seven of the nine regular hitters age 32 or older. How do you feel about older men, Suze?
Well, John, I don’t rule anything out! If I did I would never been able to tell you about that time I ate pudding off of Phil Rizzuto’s naked backside. He thrilled me all the way to the “Cora,” I’m telling you.
So, catching, once again this year, is Brian McCann (.235 BA, .334 OBP, .430 SLG, 15 HR/41 RBI), and, because this is my “thing” that I do that endears me to fans, it’s time for you to listen to my latest batch of super awesome home run calls that I’ve come up with. So, here, for this guy, I have “IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS… GONE! PUT THIS GAME IN THE MCCANN!”
Well, John, that is great. I’m making messie cake over here.
At first we have grey beard Mark Teixeira (.270/.324/.594, 9/24) and, yes, we both know that this guy is dumber than a stack of griddle cakes, but I am going to forgive him, and I’ll tell you why, this guy is the best at hitting my button! I haven’t enjoyed a first baseman this much since I was getting moustache tickles from Don Mattingly.
“IT IS GONE! WET PANTIES FOR THE BOOTH GRANNY!”
Well, at second, we have new arrival Starlin Castro, who has acquitted himself well enough in his first year coming over from Chicago (.257/.293/.395, 11/40), and, unlike most of the rest of these stiffs, still is just 26 and has many fine years ahead of him. I was thinking of something like this, you old bat. “IT IS HIGH… IT IS FAR… IT IS GONE! A FIDEL-LIGHTFUL HOMER FOR CASTRO!”
Very nice John! Let’s talk about Didi Gregorious (.298/.327/.460, 11/43), who’s quickly making people forget about Derek Jeter! This guy is clearly the most talented shortstop since a young Andy Stankiewicz manned the keystone. And, let me tell you, he hit me with the ol’ Stank himself, that one!
“IT IS……. GONE! ANOTHER BONE FOR THE CRONE!”
I don’t know who this “Dedrick Jeepers” person is, but, you know what, I don’t really care either. At third we have Chase Headley, who has hit better in recent weeks after an awful start to the season (.254/.325/.381, 9/33). And this little chestnut I’ve been waiting to unveil.
“IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS GONE! HE CHASED THAT ONE ALL THE WAY TO THE PARKING LOT!”
Ugh, sorry to break it to you, John, but that is brutal. I haven’t heard anything that bad since the time I was using the stall next to Don Zimmer on chimichanga night.
In left field we have Brett Gardner (.256/.347/.353, 6/24, 13 SB, 53 R), who’s getting a little long in the tooth himself. And speaking of long, I tell you, this guy is packing! He’s got Dave Winfield taped to his left leg, if you get my meaning.
Yikes! Well, in center, it’s our old buddy Jacoby Ellsbury (.266, .329, .370, 4, 31, 17 SB, 40 R), and, here’s another bit of gold, that I just came up with just now! I did! It goes like this: “IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS GONE! HE ELLSBURIED THAT ONE!”
That’s not the only thing he’s buried, John! Here, I’ll show you what he did, I’ll draw it on this napkin.
Oh my! That’s disturbing, Suze, and you’re talking to a guy who’s seen Buck Showalter’s onion hole.
In right, we’ve got Carlos Beltran (.301/.342/.538, 21/62), still producing at age 39.
Well, John, I tell you, he’s awfully productive, that’s true. But, if you want to talk about real production, you have to watch these home movies I have of myself and Chili Davis. That guy, he, uh, well, he had a LONG BAT. WIth a lot of PINE TAR on it, if you get me.
The only thing I’m getting from you is nausea, Suzyn.
On to the DH slot! It’s our old friend A-Rod, just a shell of his former self at this point (.206/.254/360, 9/29) but, because it’s fun to say, I still believe him to be THE GREATEST LIVING YANKEE.
Sure, John, he’s great! You know, I call him “a rod” also, but, not because of his name. It’s because he makes my girl-stick poke right through my big ol underpants. Looks like Tino Martinez standing up underneath a rain tarp!
Wow!
Gross!
(Bench hitters -- Aaron Hicks, Ike Davis, some other dudes. For brevity’s sake, let’s assume that Suzyn took naked gravy baths with them).
Pitching Matchups:
Monday -- Verrett vs CC Sabathia (6-8, 3.95 ERA, 81 K, 1.35 WHIP)
I like a pudgy dark skinned man, John, I tell you, CC is the best. I’ve seen him eat an entire pig! I’m still not sure why he put a photo of me over the roast pig’s face, first, though, that seemed odd to me. At least I looked nice with an apple in my mouth.
No doubt!
Tuesday -- deGrom vs Masahiro Tanaka (7-3, 3.16, 108 K, 1.11 WHIP)
Home run call (since this game is in Queens and all), in case he gets a hold of one.
“IT IS HIGH… IT IS FAR, IT IS… GONE! WE’RE HOLDING OUT FOR A HIRO!”
Another winner, John!
Wednesday -- Matz vs Ivan Nova (7-6, 4.90, 75 K, 1.36 WHIP)
You know, John, my very first experience with a five some was in a Chevy Nova. It was me and the rotation of the 1962 Yankees. And I tell you, Whitey Ford should have changed his nickname to Bitey!
IT IS… GONE! A SWOLLEN BEAN FOR THE YANKEE QUEEN!
Thursday -- Colon vs Nathan Eovaldi (9-7, 4.78, 92 K, 1.34 WHIP)
I’ve got nothing to say about this guy, John, I’m running late, I’m going out drinking and driving with Jim Leyritz. It’s OK, it’s just go carts.
Bullpen -- who knows. A whole slew of deals this week. None of these guys have ever murdered dudes in a pool, to the best of my knowledge.
Former Mets in the badlands -- Ike Davis, Beltran
Former MFYs in the goodlands -- Grandy