Aug 13 2017 08:09 PM
Ok, so, you know how busy I am, working so hard for the American people. And yet, I’m going to stop all this Presidenting I’m doing all day and help you guys know what you’re up against this week when your team plays the greatest team out there, the New York Yankees.
And I guess that really, the Yankees are like me. They just win. I mean, no one thought I was going to win, but then BAM! I got 306 electoral votes! So, anyway, let’s go through their lineup.
At catcher, you got, uh, what’s his name? Gary Sanchez (.269/19/55)? OK, so I’m told he’s from the Dominican Republic. So that’s one of those countries south of my wall that I didn’t build yet, but, uh, lemme tell you, once you pay for that wall, no more Gary Sanchezes, OK?
At first base, Chase Headley (.272/7/45). Chase, you know, that reminds me, can I tell you this story? We’re not the boy scouts here or anything. I used to “chase†these beauty pageant contestants around in the dressing rooms and boy, these girls were fast! Hard to grab em by their Jeters, if you get me. Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah, that’s right, 306 electoral votes! Shocked the world!
So, second base, speaking of second base, you got this kid Ronald Torreyes (.287/3/31) filling in for Starlin Castro, and he’s from Venezuela, so, you know, he’s not a voter, so I don’t really have much to say to him. Of course, I’m sure he cast 100 illegal votes for crooked Hillary, so, you know, it’s a big scam. I got so many votes! Did you see the crowds at my inauguration?
At short, Didi Gregorious (.312/18/56). And I know, cause I went to a real good school and all, that “gregorious†also means 
Third base! We got Todd Frasier (.213/19/53). He’s hitting .213, so, I’m thinking I should fire him. Tell you what, I’m gonna have that Huckaroo gal report back to you in a press conference and let you know what I’m gonna do, cause she’s doing a bang up job too.
Left field you got Brett Gardner (.254/19/49). He’s from South Carolna, you know, that’s one of the states where these awesome patriots all live! Yeah, you know, you can tell, cause they got that neat-o flag with the big X on it. Man that thing is cool! 
Center field, Aaron Hicks (.280/11/39). I’m not going to say anything bad about hicks. Those guys are the reason I’m here!
Right field, Aaron Judge (.289/35/78). I don’t have anything nice to say about any judge. They took my beautiful ban and said it was mean. Like three times! It’s like it doesn’t matter what color crayon I write that in, they keep sending it back. MEANIES.
Pitching matchup for game 1 is Rafael Montero against, uh TBD? TBD is what Melania tells me when I try to get all up in her Tasters’ Choice. Like, hey, trophy wife, how bout I break a piece off, drive one down your fairway? And she says “TBD,†like, well maybe, to be determined. What kind of nonsense is that? I’ll get Suzyn Waldman on the phone, she’s always down for a party.
Game 2, uh, deGrom against Sonny Gray. Sonny, that reminds me of my son Eric. I think clearly his mama was smoking during the pregnancy. Have you gotten a good luck at this guy? 
Forget it. I’d rather hang out in a bathtub with Rosie O’Donnell.
Game 3. Lugo vs. Jamie Garcia (5-9, 4.50). Well, I’m amazed, a girl in the major leagues! This Jamie chick is a real dish, I hear, too. I like em that way
Game 4. Matz vs Luis Severino (9-5, 3.32). OK, I’m done here, I missed the last four hours of CNN and they might have said something about me. I gotta go rewind my DVR.
