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Wandering across campus today I was reminded of this article in The Onion regarding another sign of Spring:
]AREA STUDENTS PREPARE BREASTS FOR INCREASED SPRINGTIME DISPLAY
Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the
improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased
exposure and display that the warm weather now demands. For the last
several months, the students' breasts have existed only in the
imaginations and fond memories of others, obscured by baggy sweaters,
bulky ski jackets, and shapeless flannel.
Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed, as students now
slip into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts, like big cuddly
honeybears wiping the sleep from their eyes as they emerge from
hibernation, once again climb out into the sunshine, stretch out in the
open air, and with near-mythic power grab the attention of all around,
their taut nipples and gently undulating femme-flesh seeming almost to
smile and say: "Look at us! Look at us!"
"I just bought a new spring 'mini-T' from Urban Outfitters," University
of Michigan sophomore Debi Kahn, 19, says. "Its snug, almost too-small
fit captures the essence of my girlhood, and at the same time allows me
to prominently display my womanhood. It also has a Charlie's Angels
logo on it in 1970s-style iron-on glitter-puff."
Kahn's classmates who have seen the shirt confirmed that it was "so way
fly," and added they are eagerly looking forward to seeing her breasts
protrude exuberantly from within it.
"At schools in warmer climates, the vast quantities of breasts tend to
take on a diminished significance, because of overexposure," says
Professor Hiram Milchan of the Hebraic Studies department of the Greater
Miami Divinity School. "The campus populace tends to become jaded
toward breasts, as they are nearly always visible even to a casual
onlooker."
Pointing out his office window at an impromptu dorm-yard game of bikini
volleyball, Milchan adds, "This does not move me. The undulating, the
bouncing, the firm upraised globes leaping skyward, then back down again
with a resounding bounce -- all of this has become com monplace here in
Florida."
Milchan went on to explain that in northern climes, the ebb and flow of
the seasons creates a corresponding ebb and flow of breast visibility.
At the University of Wisconsin and other northern universities
possessing lengthy winters and a left-leaning, socially liberal student
body, the recent preponderance of breast displays has brought student
traffic to near-gridlock, with heterosexual males and both closeted and
out lesbians gawking at the near-unbelievable levels of mammarian
visibility.
Although most agree that the natural power of the female breast needs no
improvement, some women are using technology to further their breast
goals. Northwestern University sophomore Heather Bain, a self-described
B-cup with aspirations toward the C range, plans to covertly employ a
"Miracle Bra," a new, highly technical device that utilizes cutting-edge
"padding technology" to make the breasts appear a full cup size larger.
The "Wonder Bra," a similar device, uses equally high-tech wire to
compress the breasts forcibly, producing greatly increased "cleavage."
Experts are not surprised by the students' breast enhancement efforts,
as spring frequently brings about a heightened air of sexual tension.
"From ancient Mesopotamian societies all the way to today's college
campus settings, young people have frequently paid increased attention
to sexual matters with the onset of warm weather," University of
Minnesota sociology professor Jane Simonson says. "I myself, though no
spring chicken, have initiated numerous illicit affairs with strapping
young students of mine, both male and female, though I am well past my
prime breeding years."
Lesbian student organizations agreed.
"Although we are deeply opposed to the systematic sexual objectification
of women and their breasts by male heterodoxy, we lesbians are in a
uniquely two-fold position of strength in these wondrous springtime
months, enjoying both the opportunity to display our fantastic breasts
to others, and the chance to enjoy an eyeful of the breasts of our
fellow sisters," says Meghan Thomas of Lesbian Students for Social
Change.
Spotting a lithe, tube-topped, female rollerblader speeding along
nearby, she bit her knuckles, adding, "Wow!" |
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