Mar 12 2019 04:47 PM
I'm still in camp. Big whoop, right? But you wouldn't say that if you were Paul Sewald, would you?
A LOT of guys came to camp with the Mets this year. Sandy liked to keep things tight. But BVW was more inclusive this year. But now, a lot of them are gone. For instance ... um ... Jacob Rhame. Jacob Rhame has been shipped out. But not me.
OK, you think, but my time will come. I bet you'd think that. But my time HASN'T come. Not yet. And you know whose time has come? Chris Flexen's time has come. But not mine. So how about you loosen up?
And you're thinking, "Gosh, Holdie, don't get the old Greg Brady Swelled Head Disease. You've only thrown 5 2/3 innings and given up two earned runs. That's not much of a sample size."
And I'll say, "Sample size? Nobody was talking about sample size when they shipped out Arquimedes Caminero. I remember that day well. For it was a day I was NOT shipped out."
Drew Smith? Out for the season. Me? Eric Hanhold? NOT out for the season.
The difference between me and David Peterson? You think you know the answer? You think it's that he's a big-shot prospect and I'm not? NO. It's that he's been farmed out and I'm still with the big boys.
And you're thinking, "Stop, patting yourself on the back, Handyman. Drew Fucking Gagnon is still in camp."
Check again. No he ain't.
I'm Eric Hanhold, and I'm a comer. You say, "Gosh, you only pitched 2 1/3 undistinguished innings for the Mets last year — we can get MATT HARVEY to do that, LOL!"
First of all, up your ass with the LOL. Second of all, Matt Harvey WISHES he was still in camp with the Mets, like me, Eric Hanhold. But he's not. You know who else isn't? Anthony Kay. He may be from Long Island, but he's not exactly going home at the end of March, capiche?
I remember exactly where I was when, for instance, the clubbie came up to P.J. Conlon's locker: "Peej," he said, "Skip wants to see you."
You know who remembers where they were when that same clubbie came up to my locker? Nobody remembers. Because that mofo ain't been NEAR my locker.
Let me tell you about being a comer. I played at FIVE levels for the Mets last year. Gulf Coast? BOOM! Brooklyn? POW!! Bingo? CRASH!!! Vegas? FUHGEDDABOUTIT!! All the way up to the big club! That's not being a comer. That's coming like a COMET! You know who isn't coming like a comet? Steven Villines, that's who. Sidearm this, Villiney. Sidearm it from MINOR LEAGUE CAMP.
"Handjive," you say, "aren't you being a little ... dicky?" Yeah, maybe, but it ain't bragging if you done it. That's what Rogers Hornsby said. And what I done is stay in camp until March 11 and probably beyond. You know who ain't done that? Corey Taylor. Am I being dicky? No, I'm being R.A. Dickey.
See what I did there? No? Well, neither did Ryder Ryan. And you know why? Because he's not in Major League camp. Ryder Ryan. You think, "A name like that? There's a guy who has no problems with the ladies." And I think, "Maybe you're right, but right now they're MINOR LEAGUE CAMP ladies." I'm Eric Hanhold and I don't have that problem.
I am indeed Eric Hanhold. Back in September 2017, the Mets sent Neil Walker to Milwaukee after the trade deadline for cash and a player to be named later. That player wasn't literally named "Later." He was named "Hanhold." Me. And now, a year and half later, Neil Walker has left the Brewers, he has stunk it up royally for the Yankees (a service to God, his country, the universe, and everybody; may it never be forgot), and is now trying to catch on with the lowly Marlins. But me — I've stuck around with the Mets, and so far stuck in camp.
I'm Eric Hanhold. The Beatles sang a song about me. What's going to happen with me in 2019?