Apr 21 2019 05:20 PM
I'm Ryder Ryan. Not the other way around. I received an invitation to Spring Training from the Mets this year. "Big whoop," you might think, except for the fact that, you know, you didn't receive an invitation anywhere. Yeah, I only got two innings, giving a up a single run on a solo homer, but I think I rocked it.
Which is neither here nor there if I can't pitch well now that I've been assigned to Bingo. But I'm rocking a 5.68 AA ERA so far this year, and some folks might be kind of worried about my career dying on the vine. But it's early. I was brought in as payment when the Mets treaded Jay Bruce. The first time. Bruce went to Cleveland, came back on a new contract and then got traded again. I, in the meantime, haven't gotten past AA.
You can be a smartass about that, but I know I'm going to hit the big time. And there are two reasons why.
The first is nomenclature. I was one of the first picks for the Mets Organizational All-Porny-Sounding Name Team*. There are porny names, and then there's my porny name, and you can't keep a name this porny down. Did you know I have a baseball-playing brother named
The second is, quite simply, pedigree. Did you know 
Now you may be all, "Big deal, a lot of people play AAA."
And I answer, "A lot, relative to what, asshole? How much AAA baseball did your father play?"
But wait, 'cuz the bloodlines don't end there. There's my 
That's eleven seasons in the minors and two in the majors. I bet you don't have an Uncle Jason. And if you do, he's not as cool as mine.
Uncle, shmuncle? Did I hear you say "Uncle shmuncle"?
First of all, get stuffed. Second of all, I got me a great uncle too.
(That's not really the sick burn I meant it to be, but you get the idea.)
And I know, you're all, "Yeah, you've got these ballplayers in your family. Some better than others. None Hall-of-Famers, but it's a legacy, but it's not like that makes you cool by association!"
Maybe not, my cynical interlocutor, but you know who makes me cool as shit by association? My grandfather. Ol' Gramps Tim Ryan was a songwriter who
Listen, man, some may think that a super-porny name and almost-famous relations isn't all that. I'm saying there's more under the hood here than those people see. But what do you see? In 2019, what, indeed, to you see for me?
*
Jose Butto, Columbia
Willie Taveras, Columbia
Zachary Hammer, GCL
Jurgen Jiminez, DSL 1
Jimmy Duff, Brooklyn
Pen
Eric Hanhold, Syracuse
Matt Blackham, Binghamton
Ryder Ryan, Binghamton (me)
Adonis Uceta, Binghamton
Trey Cobb, St. Lucie
Mitch Hickey, Kingsport
Jefferson Escorcha, DSL 1
Catchers
Ali "Dirty" Sanchez, Binghamton
Wilfred Astudillo, Kinsport
Infielders
Dilson Herrera, Syracuse
Manny Rodriguez, St. Lucie
Will Toffey, Bingo
Chase Chambers, Columbia
L.A. Woodard, Brooklyn
Angel Manzanarez, Brooklyn
Outfielders
Tim Tebow Syracuse
Dario Piazzano, Binghamton
Hansel Moreno, St. Lucie
Zach Rheams, Columbia
Kenedy Corona, GCL
