Apr 29 2019 11:30 AM
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Everybody knows the third base coach's name. The only coach besides the manager who gets to do more than coach, but make authoritative in-game strategic decisions, the third-base guy is the big gambler — the guy under the microscope at high leverage moments.
First base coach? Not so much. He pats you on the ass, he maybe helps you swap your gloves out. And he yells "Get back! Get back! Get back!" at the runner, as if he isn't focused on the pitcher with all his might. Even taking the extra base is a decision more left up to the runner, because at first, the play is almost invariably in front of the runner. Occasionally the first base coach might get yell, "Make the turn!" Good times.
So, I'm Glenn Patrick Sherlock and it's hard to see my transfer from third base coach to first base coach as anything but a demotion. But I'm a-gonna tell you: a lower-leverage job means higher job security.
I mean, look at me. I spent NINETEEN years coaching with the Diamondbacks, from their inception through 2016. I got to see eight managers come and go. Nine if you count Wally Backman (LOL!).
How'd I do it? Laying low, my friends. Look at my Arizona tenure. Of those 19 years, 15 were spent as the bullpen coach and one as the first base coach. In only three years — one as bench coach in 2003, and two as third-base coach in 2004 and 2014 — was I made to assume any role for which there was any obvious form of accountability. You say, "You're taking shit jobs, Glenny! Demand respect! The squeaky wheel gets the grease!"
I say you're wrong. I say it's the whale that rises that gets the harpoon. Seriously. Do you think any nosey reporters would have been checking Wally Backman's criminal records if he'd been hired to be the first base coach? Next thing you know, he's working for the South Georgia Peanuts, driving his old Aspire, and picking mosquitoes off of his ass. Me? I'm still flying first class in the bigs living the air conditioned life. I'm telling you, it's the Yogi Berra career model and it's the way to live.
Caveat: I was a catcher in my minor league career. In addition to the light duties coaching first, I may on occasion get asked to work with catchers, seeing as how there are no other former catchers on the staff. So Travis d'Arnaud's crappy start and subsequent DFA'ing may be held against me. That would suck.
So what's my season gonna look like? Will I even get noticed? If Mickey gets whacked, will I go with him? Did you know that in the midst of the 2008 season, the Mets fired Willie Randolph as manager? Well of course you do! There was a big to-do about it. Many of you will also recall that pitching coach Rick Peterson went with him. The pitchers were doing badly, and if you're looking for accountability, the numbers pointed at Rick.
But how many recall that first base coach Tom Ñieto went with them. He did! That's bad coaching! What did he do? Fail to pat them on the ass with the right degree of asexuality? In the middle of all that turmoil, somebody remembered to focus on the first base coach too? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'm Glenn Sherlock, and I don't intend to be no Tom Fucking Ñieto. Work hard,
What's my season going to be like? Will you know I'm here at all?