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My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Fman99 Oct 08 2020 08:28 AM

Going to my primary care physician tomorrow for my first ever prostate exam. I'm 47 and I'm exhibiting some symptoms of prostate swelling that are more embarrassing or inconvenient than anything else. Like, frequent late night trips to the bathroom and a bit more 'dribbling' than I'd care to admit. No history of prostate woes in my family, so that's a plus, though Fdad had cancer at 32. I mean, it's on my radar but only in a general sense. A friend whom I run with, who is a NP, suggests that the most common likely cause is BPH (a term I was not familiar with). I'm mostly anxious about the examination process, to be honest. I've never had anyone "punch up channel zero" on me before, if you get my meaning. Any wisdom from the more wizened CPF'ers who've been through this would be appreciated/welcome.

MFS62 Oct 08 2020 08:30 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Listen when the doctor says, "Relax". Later

whippoorwill Oct 08 2020 08:32 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Yipes. But at least you don't have to get a lady exam

Edgy MD Oct 08 2020 08:34 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Man, thank God we finally have colorectal thread. The stories I have for you ... .

metsmarathon Oct 08 2020 08:44 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

i think you're only supposed to be a finger puppet. you may want to have a long and serious talk with your provider.

kcmets Oct 08 2020 08:53 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Hopefully the brute will buy you lunch and talk dirty to you before violating you. I've never had one, doctor says it's in my covered in my periodic blood work so long as one is symptom free. A bud has BPH and he takes meds that help a lot. Seriously, relax and it will be fine.

Benjamin Grimm Oct 08 2020 10:01 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

The digital exam is nothing. I have a family history of prostate cancer (my father's father and my father's brother, but not my father) so I get examined every year. It's really nothing. On the other hand, if they have to do a biopsy... THAT'S no fun at all. I endured that last year and fortunately the results were negative.

Johnny Lunchbucket Oct 08 2020 12:27 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I got a prescribed colonostapy (ow however you spell it) this month. Don;t know what they're going to do or why, just know that I gotta shit myself out before the experience, I'll be put under for the procedure, and I probably shouldn;t plan biking that weekend. It's fun being an old man

Benjamin Grimm Oct 08 2020 12:30 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I've had a few colonoscopies too. The prep is not fun, but the procedure itself is no big deal. You won't feel any after effects, other than however long it takes for the anesthesia to work its way out of your system. You should be able to bike the next day with no problem at all.

Johnny Lunchbucket Oct 08 2020 12:32 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

that's good to hear thanks for bringing this important topic up, fman. as much as I understand we need to discuss this I'd have never started the thread

kcmets Oct 08 2020 01:05 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Yeah the colo-prep is worst part of that whole thing. In my next life I'm gonna be a butt doc, mine's one wealthy mother humper.

Fman99 Oct 08 2020 01:33 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Johnny Lunchbucket wrote: thanks for bringing this important topic up, fman. as much as I understand we need to discuss this I'd have never started the thread It seemed like a good opportunity to make a lot of jokes about getting medically accosted in my nethercots. I was thinking about maybe bringing an emotional support animal. Like the crazy people do on planes, you know. Rent a baby ostrich or something.

Frayed Knot Oct 08 2020 01:57 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

You want to feel good about yourself going in, so wear something pretty. Or maybe get your hair done the night before.

Lefty Specialist Oct 08 2020 03:53 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Had one last December and agree that the prep was worse than the event itself. Had my wife to laugh at me for being a big baby about it.

whippoorwill Oct 08 2020 05:29 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Lefty Specialist wrote: Had one last December and agree that the prep was worse than the event itself. Had my wife to laugh at me for being a big baby about it. Maybe your wife needs to go through it.

Lefty Specialist Oct 08 2020 05:51 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Oh, she already had. That's why she was laughing at me.

whippoorwill Oct 08 2020 05:54 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I would never laugh at it It was sheer horror

Edgy MD Oct 08 2020 07:39 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

With me, the humiliation was the young cutie behind the reception desk got to be the extra set of eyes in the room, making sure the doctor didn't have his way with me during the exam.

MFS62 Oct 09 2020 07:44 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

=kcmets post_id=48229 time=1602183929 user_id=53] In my next life I'm gonna be a butt doc, mine's one wealthy mother humper.

I've always wondered why, with all the interesting parts of the body, a young Doctor would want to specialize in Proctology.

But the second part of your sentence answered my question.

Later

metsmarathon Oct 09 2020 07:49 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

imagine spending your days looking, up close, at all the things that can go wrong with the more interesting parts of the body, and losing all interest in it outside of your work...

MFS62 Oct 09 2020 12:00 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Fmann. Just wondering, did you digitally record it? Later

Fman99 Oct 09 2020 07:54 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

It is done. In one sense, yes, I let the build up to it make it into more than it was in real life. A 55 minute wait in the waiting room didn't help any. On the other hand, the actual exam itself was about 10-15 uncomfortable seconds. I have some swelling and the doctor prescribed me Flomax, which is to my understanding a common measure to take for folks in my condition. He expects it to alleviate my symptoms. I have to get blood work done to look for risk factors of a more serious nature, but he found no physical evidence of nodules, growths, or anything else suspect in his exam. But man, that was some awkward business. He was professional and respectful but I did not enjoy the process. I immediately sought out a beer afterwards, because I felt like a dirty ass-whore.

ashie62 Oct 09 2020 07:59 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Just look at the doctor and ask if it was good for him also.

Fman99 Oct 09 2020 08:04 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

My friends had all kinds of funny ideas. First, I thought maybe I'd bring my cat as an "emotional support animal," the way these millenial babies do on airplanes and such. And then I thought, well, maybe, I just bring my friend Vinny and he can sit in the corner during the exam and go "Hmmm, yeah, ohhhh, mmmhmmmm" the whole time. My buddies also suggested that when the exam ended I try to a) high five the doc while his glove was still on, or b) tell him it was his turn, or c) ask to "lick the spoon."

Edgy MD Oct 09 2020 08:35 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I usually draw a clown face on my butt cheeks.

Fman99 Oct 16 2020 09:03 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Fmann. Just wondering, did you digitally record it? Later I just got this one, lol. Saw from another post that JCL is having some work done "under the hood" as it were. You can share with your fellow ass-whore friends. We're here for you.

Edgy MD Oct 16 2020 07:00 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

My back door right now is a disaster area. If I shared the whole story, we'd have to move this thread to the dark web. Suffice to say, I've been in a lot of pain. It's been bearable, but I haven't been able to focus on anything. You may see me making goofy errors in my posts. My wife seems to be scared of me because I'm walking around with that "I'm not in pain/Jesus, I'm in pain" face. My eyebrows are always up and I often don't realize that I've been forgetting to breathe, so I'm not fooling anybody. We had been trying to skate by without insurance during my extended staycation, but she made an appointment for me to see a doctor next week, and didn't tell me until after, so earlier this week I applied for Medicaid, and it turned out we had slightly too big an income for that, but I was able to enroll in an affordable plan starting November 1, thanks to the state's emergency COVID legislation extending the enrollment period. That will still leave me paying out of pocket next week, but at least I'm covered if I have to go back in for surgery. The last time this problem hit me, surgery was necessary, and the recovery sucked, but it worked. At least it worked for five years, until the problem returned three months ago. But my primary care guy says they're not treating this with surgery as frequently as they used to. Take care of your anuses, my friends. And when you're not doing that, be good people and look out for each other's anuses.

Fman99 Oct 16 2020 09:10 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Yikes. Makes my recent visit seem like a cake walk. Hoping for a quick recovery for you and your Pennywise-well-house of an angus you're sporting.

Johnny Lunchbucket Oct 21 2020 09:41 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Best of luck, edgy. I'm back from my procedure, it was cake and I checked out okay, doc says. Worst part was late yesterday/this morning, hungry and shitty and headaches and stuff. Also, I don't have covid

Edgy MD Oct 21 2020 11:55 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I'm happy for your anus and your cake.

kcmets Oct 21 2020 12:04 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

Edgy MD wrote: Take care of your anuses, my friends. And when you're not doing that, be good people and look out for each other's anuses. Still makes me laugh days and days later. Glad everyone is anally healthy or getting healthier...

Edgy MD Nov 06 2020 11:32 AM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I know all of you have been praying for my back door round the clock, and I wanted to let you know I'm doing much better, outfitted with a medicinal cream from the special compounding pharmacy, returning to my relatively pain free self, once again living the active life of a randy gadabout. If anyone wants to help apply my cream, I'm taking signups at my LinkedIN page. [fimg=300]https://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/15-children-s-book-covers-photoshopped-in-hilarious-ways-01.jpg[/fimg]

Fman99 Nov 06 2020 12:53 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

I'm glad to hear that your anus is taking a regular creaming. That's the best thing anyone could do for any other one, as I often tell Fwife (much to her disagreement).

MFS62 Nov 06 2020 01:46 PM Re: My Turn as a Human Hand Puppet

There's an asshole in the White House who's about to get creamed. Later