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Rotblatt Apr 19 2006 01:45 PM

A couple good stories today, so I decided to start a thread. [url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47426]Dusty Baker Not Worried About Cubs' Hot Start[/url] April 13, 2006 CHICAGO—Despite their impressive 4-2 start and the fact that their pitching and offense appears to be clicking on all cylinders, Cubs manager Dusty Baker said Wednesday that he has "no doubt" that his team will be able to turn things around in time to miss the playoffs. "I know things look good right now, and you hate to see Cubs fans get encouraged early, but I'm certain that things will straighten themselves out and we'll be in third place by early May," Baker said at a press conference Wednesday. "With the talent and drive we lack, it's foolish to think that this team can continue playing at this rate all year." "If it's September and we're still atop the division standings? Then we'll start panicking," Baker added. In their disappointing series sweep of the rival Cardinals last weekend, the Cubs did all the little things right, winning ballgames with a combination of solid pitching, good defense, and timely hitting—fundamentals that Baker says his team will eventually ignore as the season goes on. "The guys are in a bit of a groove right now, but they'll snap out of it," Baker said. "It's early yet. There's still plenty of time to get back off track and give the fans the kind of season they've come to know and expect." "I'd love to go out there and lose all 162 games for this city, but both the players and the fans know that's not possible no matter how bad you are," he added. Longtime Cubs fans have echoed Baker's sentiments, saying that, despite the emergence of Derrek Lee as a triple-crown threat and the acquisition of a top leadoff hitter in Juan Pierre, they still have complete faith that the Cubs have what it takes to make it all the way to October without ever factoring into the playoff picture. "Sure, other teams may look just as awful on paper, but the Cubs have all the intangibles; the inability to play as a cohesive unit, management that always seems to make the wrong moves, a storied history of crushing, tragic defeats despite favorable odds," said Chicago-area resident Matt Grant. "No winning streak can get that lose-at-any-cost mentality out of our Cubbies' heads." "This is the year," Grant added. "This is the year we extend our World Series drought to 98 years." Baker cited several other reasons he thinks the Cubs will work into a slump and quickly get back under .500, including his inexperienced pitching staff returning to their usual form, his plan to rush injured stars Mark Prior and Kerry Wood back to action in time to inflame their injuries and cause enough arm damage to make them miss the entire season, and the fact that his son Darren is now older and larger than he was in the 2002 playoffs, and therefore capable of more effectively obstructing the basepaths while his team is trying to score. Although his harshest critics say that the Cubs appear to be doing everything right so far, Baker points to Tuesday's 9-2 drubbing at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds as a clear indication that his team is moving in the right direction. "Tuesday's loss was a prime example of the kind of baseball this team is capable of playing on a regular basis," Baker said of the game in which the Cubs managed to score only two runs while leaving 15 men on base and allowing six home runs. "The key is that this was a balanced attack against us. Any team can allow a big inning;as we did in the five-run sixth that featured a grand slam;but the Reds also scored a run in each of the first four frames. If we can consistently take that kind of well-rounded beating;and if any team can do it, it's us;I truly think we can lose 90 games." Baker said that, although the box scores show that the Cubs won four of the first six games, in reality, they had the opportunity to lose "any or all of them." "Unfortunately, we just happened to get some lucky breaks, some good bounces, and had some calls go our way;over the course of a long season, that's gonna happen to any team a few times," Baker said. "We'll be fine, though." He added: "Talk to me in June."

Rotblatt Apr 19 2006 01:47 PM

Anna Benson’s Comments Used As Excuse To Run Anna Benson’s Photo

Centerfield Apr 19 2006 01:47 PM

Fantastic. Love the blurb about Prior.

cooby Apr 19 2006 01:48 PM

Even Dusty would have to laugh at that

Rotblatt Apr 19 2006 01:50 PM

[url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47429]Frank Robinson Spends One-Game Suspension Clenching Fists In Anger[/url] April 13, 2006 HOUSTON; Suspended for his role in the Mets-Nationals brawl last week, Washington manager Frank Robinson opted to serve his suspension during Monday's game against the Astros, which he watched alone while standing atop the darkened rafters of Minute Maid Park with his hands tightly clenched in fists of silent, barely contained rage for the entirety of the three-hour contest. "While it is preferable that managers serving a suspension are kept out of the ballpark to keep them from relaying signals to their team, Mr. Robinson's anger-induced catatonic state prevented him from doing so even if he tried," said Bob Watson, MLB's vice president in charge of discipline, who in the third inning sent a team of security officials to monitor Robinson and prevent him from taking out his anger on fans, players, private property, or himself. "However, we are investigating a possible link between the changing of Nationals pitchers and the audible low-frequency rumble of grinding teeth emanating from the rafters, which could result in a further suspension, fine, or confiscation of Mr. Robinson's stress ball." Robinson returned to the dugout for the Nationals' Tuesday afternoon loss to the Mets, during which he repeated many of the same actions.

Rotblatt Apr 20 2006 01:18 PM

[url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/47653/print/]Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads[/url] NEW YORK; In an interview following his 200th career win Monday night, Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez said he never could have reached this milestone without the aid of his lucky midget, the Egyptian sun god Ra, and every person and thing who helped him along the way, including an enchanted necklace, former British prime minister Arthur Neville Chamberlain, and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with. "To make it this far in this sport, it takes a whole lot of luck, and this has been provided to me by my lucky midget," Martinez said, referring to either two-foot-tall dwarf Nelson de la Rosa, who accompanied him during the Red Sox's historic World Series run in 2004, or one of the 12 other midgets whom Martinez has used as a mascot at various points during his 15-year career. "Over the years, I've learned the secret to longevity in this game: Whenever your mechanics aren't working or your shoulder starts tightening up during starts, it's time to get a new lucky midget," said Martinez, whose midget friends have each "disappeared" following their dismissal, although Martinez's critics note that the drained corpses of midgets identified as his former good-luck charms have been found on ancient Egyptian holy sites at times coinciding with the start of spring training or immediately following prolonged slumps. "You can't rely on the same old midget for your whole career." Martinez, who has compiled the highest winning percentage of any pitcher with at least 200 wins, claims that the main influence on his pitching style;and the most important presence in his life;is Ra, the Egyptian sun god of Heliopolis. "Ra is always looking down on me, beaming with pride, and making me a much better pitcher—especially in day games when he casts a shadow between the mound and home plate," Martinez said. "When I point my fingers up and look skyward after a big out, I am thanking Ra for his help. Oh, and sometimes I'm asking the countenance of Juan Marichal that appears to me in the north sky what pitch I should start the next batter off with. He speaks to me through the stars." "This is much more specific and tactical in nature than the lucky help provided by midgets," Martinez explained. According to Martinez, the game of baseball is 90 percent mental, so even if a pitcher "summons the physical energy running through all the ley lines of the Earth," he still has to be able to outsmart hitters using good old-fashioned necromantic mind-reading. Martinez and Nelson de la Rosa, one of his many lucky midgets. "Sometimes, when I'm looking for that last bit of strength to strike a batter out late in the game, I'll turn to my secret weapon: a magical necklace," Martinez said, referring to a string of glowing colored beads given to him during his rookie season by someone Martinez would only describe as "a mysterious stranger who I met in the Caverns of Sorrow during a dark time in my life." "Also, when I'm in a tight, pressure-packed situation, my invincibility goggles give me the supreme, unwavering confidence I need to get out of the inning." "And I must add that what really pumps me up is knowing that all my fans in my home planet are cheering their loudest for me," added Martinez, who is able to hear the cheers of the angelic Chiroptera of Martinez-Prime through an omniwave radio receiver installed in the metal spikes of his cleats. Martinez, whose career ERA stands at 2.72, credits a portion of his success to his "quirky pregame rituals," which include wrapping his right arm in a poultice of live caterpillars, bathing in a tub of ice-cold buttermilk, and hoisting a midget over his head while standing in the first row of Shea Stadium's upper deck and reciting incantations from The Ancient And Accepted Scottish Rite Of Freemasonry. "I'm very superstitious—unless all my sasquatch-tallow candles are lit in the correct order by the trained familiar-monkeys only I can see, I'm not going to be comfortable on the mound," Martinez said. Among other reasons that Martinez believes he's been able to maintain such a consistent level of success during his career are the beneficent gaze of Azazel, the archangel that Adam has set to watch over Those Who Pitch; hard work and proper nutrition on the part of his midget; and the inspiration of growing up watching and reading about "all the greats," including I.M. Pei, Nikola Tesla, and the ancient race of star-pilots who guide the Earth in its cosmic course from their seats deep within the planet's core. Martinez made sure to thank his fans and midgets profusely, and added that his quest for 300 career wins will be made easier by the fact that he daily places his faith and trust in his personal savior, Jesus Christ.

Giant Squidlike Creature Apr 20 2006 03:46 PM

Rotblatt wrote: and a talking whale who lives off the coast of his native Dominican Republic that only he can communicate with. Tsk, Squid knows that whale and he can take him down any time any place with 6 tentacles tied behind his back.

Willets Point May 25 2006 01:13 PM

F*#!

Rotblatt Jun 07 2006 02:12 PM

Royals Hire Tom Emanski To Teach Them Fundamentals Of Baseball June 1, 2006 | Onion Sports KANSAS CITY--With their offense floundering, their pitching the league's worst, and their footwork on double-play balls atrocious, the Royals (12-37) announced Sunday that former youth-baseball coach and instructional-videotape producer Tom Emanski would join the team in a specially created fundamentals-coaching role, designed to help the Royals get back to basics and start playing winning baseball the Tom Emanski way. Royals outfielders before they started practicing Tom Emanski's patented "Call Off Drill." Royals owner David Glass reportedly contacted Emanski after watching his team suffer an embarrassing 15-4 loss against the Yankees on Saturday. After viewing tapes of this and past games, and noting that his players were displaying poor mechanics in the second phase of their relay throws, were failing to execute the "call the cutoff" play, and were not hitting the baseball, Glass immediately hired Emanski—the man whose patented practice techniques once produced back-to-back-to-back AAU national champions—in what analysts are calling a last-ditch effort to turn the Royals season around. "From everything I've heard, Mr. Emanski sounds like a wonderful asset for any team—a must-have for players and coaches alike," Glass said as he observed his players sitting in a circle and rolling baseballs to one another, an exercise Emanski says "fosters teamwork and teaches players how to field ground balls"—two of the many basic skills that have been noticeably absent from the Royals 2006 season. "Tom has a proven track record at molding young, inexperienced athletes into major-league-caliber baseball players," Glass added. "I'm just hoping he can do the same with our Kansas City Royals." Emanski said he welcomed the challenge of working with the Royals, and vowed that, if the players follow his revolutionary training methods, he will be able to add 6 mph of arm strength to each starting pitcher in five weeks, cut down on the team's mental errors, and "take the mystery out of hitting." "The first thing I did after Sunday's game was gather the players and ask all 25 of them what each one thinks is the most important part of baseball, and an astounding 21 of them said 'hitting home runs,' including seven pitchers," said Emanski, who stressed to them that "defense wins ballgames." "The second thing I did was line them up against the fence and hit sharp line drives at them from 20 feet away to improve their reaction time." "It's called the Missile Drill," Emanski added. "Builds team character." Before Monday's game, Emanski taught the Kansas City infielders and outfielders how to properly throw a baseball, outlining the three main steps to making strong, accurate throws—the "stride and set," the "90-degree hip swivel," and the "full, fluid follow-through." "It was a little rough going for some of the guys, but we're taking it slow," Emanski said. "I think now it might be time to let up a little bit and switch gears into 'Encouragement Mode' for a few games to get their confidence back up." "Coach Emanski taught me that, when I'm fielding the ground ball, I should stay down, stick my butt out, and count the hops," said shortstop Angel Berroa, explaining the method Emanski designed to help Little Leaguers and Royals infielders watch the ball all the way into their glove. "Once Coach Emanski also taught me how to count, the technique worked out great." Although most players are reportedly "learning a lot" from Emanski, claiming his methods are "fun, educational, and make good baseball sense," some of the Royals veterans are resistant to throwing away everything they know about baseball in order to be taught these new fundamentals. "I don't see how trying to throw balls into a metal garbage can laid out behind home plate is going to help my defense," said Royals right fielder Reggie Sanders, who has yet to record a single outfield assist since July 12, 2005. "Tom says it will be more rewarding once I start actually getting the throws to go into the cans, but I'm beginning to think that it's impossible." "I'm not going to stand around hitting off a kid's tee—I'm a professional baseball player," said Royals first-baseman and No. 3 hitter Doug Mientkiewicz, who is batting .258 on the season with one home run and 14 RBI. "This is an insult." The afternoon after speaking to reporters, Mientkiewicz lost his temper during B.P. and swung as hard as he could, missing the ball completely but creating enough of a breeze to gently knock the ball off its stand. Emanski had to restrain him from angrily swinging his bat at the tee in an attempt to break it, and told Mientkiewicz to take a lap around the field to calm down. "In this game, attitude is key," Emanski said. "Some of the guys get angry or upset when we're doing Greenie Board Batting Practice, in which I give each player five swings, and I rate each swing on a zero-to-four scale. But I believe this is the only way they'll ever learn to swing through the ball." "Of course, even if you master all the fundamental drills—the Bare Hand Drill, Soft Toss Creep, 'V' Drill, 'X' Drill, and Rocket Relay—there is still the issue of talent," Emanski added. "I'm no miracle worker. But, with a lot of hard work and a little luck, I truly believe that a few of these Royals will someday have the skills you need to play in the major leagues."

Elster88 Jun 07 2006 02:14 PM

]"The second thing I did was line them up against the fence and hit sharp line drives at them from 20 feet away to improve their reaction time." LMFAO

Rotblatt Jun 07 2006 02:14 PM

MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds May 25, 2006 | Onion Sports HOUSTON—Astros relief pitcher Russ Springer has been awarded $50,000, the largest negative fine in baseball history, for intentionally throwing at Barry Bonds last Tuesday, the Astros reported. "After reviewing the tapes, there is no question in my mind that Springer purposefully attempted to strike Bonds, and therefore we have no choice but to give him the stiffest negative financial penalty possible," MLB vice president of on-field discipline Bob Watson said Wednesday. "Rest assured that we intend to deal with similar assaults on Bonds in at least this aggressive a fashion." Springer has said that he does not intend to contest either his fine or the mandatory five-day Tahitian resort suspension he has been scheduled to serve this offseason.

OlerudOwned Jun 07 2006 04:05 PM

The Mientkewicz part is awesome

A Boy Named Seo Jun 15 2006 08:18 PM

Mackey Sasser (remember him?) was [url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/49529]on the juice![/url]

Rotblatt Jul 17 2006 07:47 AM

]TBS's Department Of Humor Analysis Fails To Find Humor In Braves Games June 22, 2006 | Onion Sports ATLANTA—With the Braves recently sinking into last place in the National League East, the TBS network's in-house Department Of Humor Analysis is having difficulty figuring out what is "very funny" about Atlanta Braves baseball. "Being the worst team in their division is a little funny, I suppose," said DHA head analyst John Cleese, who had just finished analyzing several scenes from Dumb And Dumber. "But seeing as how the team combines their dismal won-loss record with a total lack of personality, well, even the famed quantum humorists at our prestigious Department Of Humor Analysis can't find anything funny about that." Cleese added that, even if their season continues to go poorly or they find some miraculous way to win, the depression or euphoria that would inevitably follow might be better suited for broadcast on TNT, which claims to "know drama."

Rotblatt Jul 17 2006 07:48 AM

]Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension June 29, 2006 | Onion Sports CHICAGO—Mark Prior, the right-handed pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the DL that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. "I couldn't even imagine the DL without Mark Prior—over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle, and inflamed Achilles tendon of our organization," said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the DL, which is currently rebuilding by claiming young arms such as Kerry Wood, Ben Sheets, and Mike Maroth. "We firmly believe that Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him." While Prior's agent says the pitcher is exploring his options, experts predict that it is "inevitable" that Prior will return to the DL and, with the loyalty he's shown in the past, likely finish his career there.

Nymr83 Jul 17 2006 10:24 AM

i just cracked up laughing in the middle of the library, fuckin onion!

Willets Point Jul 20 2006 05:15 PM

PNC Park Threatens to Leave Pittsburgh. "PNC Park has already established a good rapport and budding friendship with this year's Home Run Derby runner-up David Wright—the bedrock of our team's stability"

Elster88 Jul 20 2006 05:16 PM

The Onion is filtered these days.

metirish Jul 27 2006 02:49 PM

] Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq. ] Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports SAN FRANCISCO—Three weeks after hitting his wife on a Boston street, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers made up for the costly miscue by coming back strong and tossing seven quality innings en route to a 6-2 victory over the Giants Sunday. "When you let your emotions get the best of you and make a silly error like Brett did when he repeatedly struck his wife in the face, the only way to atone for it is to get right back on the baseball field, put that past performance behind you, and pitch deep into an important game while maintaining consistent velocity and pinpoint control," manager Charlie Manuel said. "This outing is exactly what Bretty needed to get the fans to stop thinking about him as someone who physically abuses his spouse." Philadelphia fans and media, who had earlier called for a public apology from Myers, have dropped this demand in light of Myers' impressive total of seven strikeouts. More From the Sports Wire

cooby Jul 27 2006 04:10 PM

Charlie Manuel going out to pull his pitcher has got to be one of the funniest sights in baseball

Rotblatt Aug 09 2006 01:51 PM

This one might be my favorite so far. ]Experts: 'Derek Jeter Probably Didn't Need To Jump To Throw That Guy Out' August 3, 2006 | [url=http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51318]Onion Sports [/url] BRISTOL, CT—Baseball experts agreed Sunday that Derek Jeter, who fielded a routine ground ball during a regular-season game in which the Yankees were leading by five runs and then threw it to first base using one of his signature leaps, did not have to do that to record the out. "If it had been a hard-hit grounder in the hole or even a slow dribbler he had to charge, that would've been one thing," analyst John Kruk said during a broadcast of Baseball Tonight. "But when it's hit right to him by [Devil Rays first-baseman] Greg Norton, a guy who has no stolen bases and is still suffering the effects of a hamstring injury sustained earlier this year… Well, that's a different story." Jeter threw out Norton by 15 feet and pumped his fist in celebration at the end of the play.

Willets Point Aug 09 2006 02:00 PM

Yah, I put that one in the MFY thread, but it's good here too.

Centerfield Aug 09 2006 02:28 PM

I love it.

metirish Aug 11 2006 08:57 PM

Very very funny http://www.theonion.com/content/sports

TransMonk Aug 11 2006 09:34 PM

The Mets deal for two fresh arms, then surgically attach them to Victor Zambrano [url]http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51322[/url]

OlerudOwned Aug 18 2006 02:44 PM

Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central August 17, 2006 | Onion Sports CINCINNATI—The Cincinnati Reds (61-58) officially put their names forward as 2006 NL Central division champions Wednesday, after sensing that if they didn't offer to finish in first place, no one would. "We just figured that the Cardinals would do it again since they've been the ones doing it the past couple years, but they don't really seem to want to this season," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "It's been a while since we came in first, so I guess it's our turn. No way are we doing it next year, though." Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs.

Elster88 Aug 18 2006 02:56 PM

]Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs I love it.

Willets Point Sep 01 2006 11:39 AM

Ouch (not the Onion but close enough).

Edgy DC Sep 01 2006 11:52 AM

Strange that they should pick on Omar Moreno, as he only played a half season with Kansas City. Maybe they're thinking of Willie Wilson.

MFS62 Sep 01 2006 12:33 PM

Willets Point wrote: Ouch (not the Onion but close enough). Once you get to that site, this linked story was pretty funny, too. Barry Bonds To Try Hand At Drug Trafficking Later

cooby Sep 01 2006 12:51 PM

Plus this great shot of Anderson Cooper being manhandled

Rotblatt Sep 08 2006 04:03 PM

The contents of today's Sports News Scroll via Onion Sports: ]LATEST: A-Rod Caught Holding Thermometer To Lamp After Steinbrenner Left The Room ]LATEST: A-Rod Overexplains Strikeout ]LATEST: A-Rod Calls 0-For-5 Performance An Important Step In Winning Over Royals Fans ]LATEST: A-Rod To Jorge Posada: 'You Are My Friend' ]LATEST: New NFL Commissioner: 'A-Rod Definitely A One-Sport Star' The side bar: ] Yankee Fans Lure A-Rod Out Of Dugout With Curtain Call In Order To Boo Him And the articles, all of which came out in yesterday's online edition. ]A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "fucking outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the fuck out of this shithole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly. ]The Media: Are They Ganging Up On A-Rod? September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—The Columbia Sports Journalism Review has released the results of a study initiated in mid-August to investigate whether an increase in news stories such as "K-Rod," "A-Rod Playing Whiff-le Ball," and "Sore Throat KO's A-Rod" constituted "ganging up" on the overpaid, underperforming, and petulant Yankees third-baseman. "After carefully analyzing the content of all 9,463 newspaper and magazine articles criticizing Rodriguez that were printed between August 15 and September 1, we have found neither factual errors nor evidence of reportage exceeding the normal standards of sports journalism," Columbia journalism professor John Dinges said Tuesday. "We also spoke to the reporters who exclusively cover A-Rod's performance for the Kansas City Star, Sacramento Bee, Albuquerque Tribune, and Boston Herald, and we found no appreciable misinterpretations or statistical discrepancies in their twice-daily coverage as that preening jackass continues to shit the bed." The CSJR study concluded by observing that all Rodriguez must do to gain the approval of the press would be to simply lead the Yankees to the World Series, be named MVP, and nail his smarmy mouth shut for good. ]A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. "The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life," Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. "The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night." Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was "extremely difficult" to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card. ]Post-Game Comments Reveal A-Rod Unsure Whether Yankees Won Or Lost September 7, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—In an interview following Sunday afternoon's Yankees-Twins matchup, Alex Rodriguez's comments seemed to suggest that he was unaware of the game's final outcome. "Both teams played great out there, and players from both teams had some key performances that really swung the momentum in their favors—it's a shame that one team, perhaps the other, had to lose," Rodriguez said in response to a question about what this game means for the Yankees' season. "This game really could've gone either way, instead of the one way in which it went. You've just got to tip your cap to the winning team in this case. For winning. The game." When asked what he thought about rookie Darrell Rasner's performance, Rodriguez said that he "will be a big part of the future of whatever team he plays for."

Rotblatt Sep 08 2006 04:05 PM

Willets Point Sep 08 2006 04:13 PM

Is it their "Rag on A-Rod" issue or what?

Rotblatt Sep 08 2006 04:32 PM

Willets Point wrote: Is it their "Rag on A-Rod" issue or what? I think it's a dual, "Rag on A-Rod"/"Rag on the Rags" issue. Although I suspect that there's an extremely bitter Red Sox fan behind their sports page. Sorry, dude. Wait til next year.

Frayed Knot Sep 08 2006 04:35 PM

So am I the only one who finds 'The Onion' stuff to be so simplistic that it barely even rates as sort of funny?

Edgy DC Sep 08 2006 05:44 PM

Most Onion laughs come from headlines. I don't get beating on the Rod at all. Beat on the Yankee fans that treat him like shit.

OlerudOwned Sep 08 2006 06:12 PM

As far as Fake Sports News goes, you're better off with SportsPickle than the Onion's section.

Johnny Dickshot Sep 08 2006 11:11 PM

I find the print edition of the O a lot funnier than the 'net version: I always read the former, hardly ever bother to look at the latter. There's just something funnier about seeing satirical news articles in a real newspaper.

Willets Point Sep 08 2006 11:49 PM

I think the Onion used to be funnier than it is now, they seem to have grown too big for their britches. The headlines and news in brief bits are generally funnier than full-length articles (where they tend to beat the joke to death).