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Hi there sports fans and welcome to Wrigley Field for a series between the New York Mets and your Chicago Cubs. I’m sharpie turncoat and I’ll be your host for today.
What can I say about our beloved Cubbies -- for Cubbies they are. Hell, they should go back to those powder blue uniforms with the baby bear on it. Bring back Ivan deJesus and Jerry Martin while they’re at it. This bunch isn’t doing anybody any good.
What has the Chicago Tribune Company gotten out of their investment this year? Not a whole hell of a lot. We’re 34-54, 14 and a freakin’-half-games out of first. That’s 20 games under .500.
We went into this year with MVP-shoulda-been Derrek Lee plus slugging third sacker Aramis Ramirez to lead the offense along with newcomer Juan Pierre. What’s happened? I tell you what, you gluttons for punishment: Lee has been hurt most of the season, batting .277 in only 101 at-bats; Aramis Ramirez has looked lost out there batting .259 with only 16 homers and don’t get me started on Juan Pierre. His 371 at bats have translated into 16 RBI. 16! Yes, he has 30 steals but he has a .320 obp and..well..I freaking hate him. There. I’ve said it. It’s personal between me and Frenchy. OK, catcher Michael Barrett is having a good year (9-32-.320) and should’ve gone to the All Star game instead of that putz Lo Duca, who we’ll get to see (and I better hear a Wrigley-sized “boo” when he comes up to the plate). Our second Frenchy, Jacques Jones, has actually been our best player with his .306 average and his 14 homers. Wouldn’t it be better if it was Jacques Pierre and Juan Jones? Otherwise this wreck of a Cub offense features (features? Ha!) Todd Walker at second; Ronnie (Roger) Cedeno at short; and Matt Murton in the outfield, frightfully dull players all. Phil Nevin was acquired from the Rangers. I’m not sure why.
Now to the pitching. Do I have to? Kerry Wood – gone for the year. Wade Miller – hasn’t pitched yet and is probably gone for the year. Mark Prior – zero wins and a 7.71 era. But they aren’t pitching this weekend. This weekend the matchups are:
Former Cubbie Steve Trachsel vs. Greg Maddux (7-9, 4.89). At the end of April, Greg was 5-0 with a 1.35 ERA. Since then he’s been 2-9, 6.38. Maybe he can take a lesson from his buddy Tom Glavine and suddenly get it together at the All Star break after a dark night of the soul when he realizes that he just can’t pitch like he used to.
Greg’s friend Tom Glavine vs. Carlos Zambrano (8-3, 3.24). Carlos’ luck seems to be getting in sync with the rest of the staff as he was hit in the elbow by a fungo bat at the All Star Game. What is the difference between a fungo bat and a regular bat? In any event he was unavailable for the ASG and might get bumped from this start.
Former White Sock (BOO!) Orlando Hernandez vs. rookie Sean Marshall (5-7, 4.80). Sean’s 61-45 strikeout-walk ratio isn’t good but his last start was, going 7 shutout innings against the ‘Stros. Prior to that he was pretty stinky, giving up 4 or 5 runs in each of the previous 4 starts.
Closer Ryan Dempster (1-5, 4.76, 14 saves) makes me wanna holler. Lefty setup-man Scott Eyre, who, along with French Fry Pierre was supposed to put us over the top has been pretty good but all he’s done is turn over games for Dempster to blow. David Aardsma is gifted alphabetically, but not in other ways.
Dusty Baker is, shall we say, in trouble.
If the Mets really want to do us a favor they should take back their only ex: Glendon Rusch (3-7, 7.76). We in turn would take back their only ex-Cub, Trachsel.
I hate this season. I hate baseball. I’m sharpie turncoat, over to you.
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