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From "The Onion"

patona314 Nov 07 2006 09:41 AM

Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series November 2, 2006 | Issue 42•44 ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years. "I'm still struggling to understand how this could have happened," said a sober Tony La Russa during a press conference following Game 5. "It seemed all but certain coming into this series that we were going to be a part of something truly special, that we would easily put the finishing touches on a magical season that inspired millions of fans around the country, but instead we somehow ended up winning." "It's disappointing, to say the least," La Russa added. "We were rooting for the Detroit Tigers just like everyone else." According to Cardinals players, they "tried absolutely everything" in their pursuit to earn the Tigers their first world championship since 1984, including eliminating the far more dangerous New York Mets in the NLCS, entering the series completely unrested after a grueling seven-game series, starting a rookie pitcher with five career wins in Game 1 in Detroit, and postponing Game 4 due to rain in the hopes that an off day would swing the momentum back in the Tigers' favor. "I don't know what we could've done differently," second-baseman Ronnie Belliard said. "We gave the Tigers every opportunity to win ballgames, but when their pitchers keep making errors on simple ground balls, what are we supposed to do, pretend we forgot the rules and start running to third base?" Desperate for a Tigers win in Game 2, the Cardinals chose to overlook the fact that starter Kenny Rogers was pitching with the aid of a foreign substance on his left hand. "Of course we all knew it was pine tar, but it seemed like they were finally finding their rhythm… We certainly didn't want to shake their confidence, so we decided to just let it go," La Russa said. "Frankly, if the umpires didn't bring it up, we probably would've let him pitch with it the whole game." After the final out of the World Series was recorded, the stunned Cardinals retreated to their dugout and watched with disappointed, glazed-over expressions as the Detroit Tigers—the feel-good team of the season whom everyone expected to win it all—packed up their equipment in the dugout across the diamond. According to Albert Pujols, some teammates took the World Series victory harder than others. "For a lot of young guys like [Anthony] Reyes and [Yadier] Molina, this was their first chance to see an exciting, inspirational, and truly deserving team win a championship," Pujols said. "Even though the outcome of this series has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth, I can handle it, because I was there in 2004 when we were able to see Red Sox beat us in the World Series. Man, what an incredible feeling that was… Just watching those guys celebrate, I really felt like I was seeing history unfold before my eyes. It was definitely my greatest baseball moment." "I hope we have the chance to see something like that again next year," Pujols added. Reporters and sportswriters around the nation were critical of many of La Russa's successful managerial decisions, second-guessing such effective moves as leaving staff ace Chris Carpenter in for more than five innings in Game 3, and failing to bench third-baseman Scott Rolen, who batted a team-high .421 in the series. La Russa, however, said that things would be different next year. "I think I speak for my players, the front office, the coaching staff, and every fan in St. Louis when I say that all season long, we had just one goal: bringing a championship to the great city of Detroit," La Russa said. "And even though we failed this time around, we will be committed to achieving similar goals next season." In the somber clubhouse following the victory, Cardinals centerfielder Jim Edmonds admitted that "the wrong team won," but said that the outcome of the 2006 World Series is "just something we're unfortunately going to have to live with." "Nobody thought we could do this, nobody thought we could stop this powerhouse team that beat the odds to go from worst to first and rolled through the playoffs looking like they were invincible," Edmonds said. "And we thought we had taken every possible step to prove them right." "We shocked the world," Edmonds added. "We're sorry."

soupcan Nov 07 2006 10:33 AM

[url=http://cybermessageboard.ehost.com/getalife/viewtopic.php?t=5049&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=200]RMPL[/url]

patona314 Nov 07 2006 10:41 AM

soupcan wrote: [url=http://cybermessageboard.ehost.com/getalife/viewtopic.php?t=5049&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=200]RMPL[/url] Yeah I know. I thought it would be cool to have an "onion" thread.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 10:49 AM Edited 2 time(s), most recently on Nov 07 2006 02:36 PM

PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built July 20, 2006 | Issue 42•29 PITTSBURGH—After five years of serving Pittsburgh as their state-of-the-art sporting facility, PNC Park, the home of the rundown, poorly maintained Pirates, said Tuesday it is threatening to leave Pittsburgh unless a new team can be built within the next three years. "I love the city of Pittsburgh, but the Pirates are an old, dilapidated club built from other teams' spare parts, and its very foundation is rotting away," the stadium said to reporters assembled in its press box. "I had every intention to stay here for the duration of my career as a ballpark, but given that I haven't seen any realistic long-term plans for improving my resident team's ramshackle condition, I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about taking my services elsewhere." The young stadium, regarded as one of the best of the recent crop of real-estate development projects throughout the league, added that "after this year's All Star Game, I have learned that a ballpark of my caliber deserves to host that kind of play every day." "The Pirates have become such an eyesore that I've even had to resort to bringing in different teams each week to play in me," the stadium said. Although Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy said he is doing everything in his power to keep the park in Pittsburgh—attempting a rebuilding process every few years, making small free-agent additions, and erecting a new six-foot-tall outfielder in left field—the stadium dismissed the moves as nothing more than "a fresh coat of paint on a team that's in danger of collapsing under its own weight." Mets owner Fred Wilpon has been vocal about his interest in bringing PNC Park to New York for the 2007 season so that it may take over for an aging Shea Stadium. "The New York Mets have all the necessary components in place to fulfill PNC Park's needs," Wilpon said. "We have a gleaming new shortstop in Jose Reyes. We have a visually stunning, jaw-dropping player in Carlos Beltran. And the infrastructure of our minor-league system is designed to ensure that PNC Park will be inhabited by great ballplayers for years to come." "Also, PNC Park has already established a good rapport and budding friendship with this year's Home Run Derby runner-up David Wright—the bedrock of our team's stability," Wilpon added. Though PNC Park would not elaborate on its relationship with Wright, it did say that Wright mentioned how much he enjoyed its dimensions, especially those in left and left-center. Pittsburgh fans were irate upon hearing news of the stadium's possible relocation. "If that ballpark left, this city would be devastated," said Pittsburgh resident Howard Valinsky. "I make a point of taking my kids down to the stadium during Pirates away games so they can stand outside of it and marvel at the rugged limestone and the blue steel—both of which have had an excellent year despite rainy conditions." Valisnky added: "The fact that McClatchy hasn't given this stadium the sort of beautiful, well-designed team it deserves is a travesty. Let's face it, the Pirates have been falling apart for years. Frankly, I find myself wondering if it's even safe for fans to be near them." The stadium echoed Valinsky's sentiments, saying, "The fans have been so great at being there for me. But if I can't hold a team that can compete, then what's supposed to hold me here?" In a last-ditch effort to keep PNC Park, a citywide referendum will be added to this year's midterm election that, if passed, would draw from a property-tax fund to aid McClatchy in assembling a new, state-of-the-art team by 2010. PNC Park, however, is not convinced. "When I came here in 2001, they promised me a championship team," the stadium said. "I was warned by venerable and much-beloved Three Rivers Stadium—which imploded soon afterwards, as you know—that I should look elsewhere, that this team was set in its ways and not focused on rebuilding, that they were simply using me as a means to make money," the stadium said. "I was young and brash and I didn't listen. Now that I am more mature and have settled a bit, I realize I have to do what is best for me and my family." In the event that the Pirate organization does not have the financial wherewithal to meet the park's demands, there are contingency plans in place to attract other stadiums to the city. While the league has said it frowns on the idea of putting an expansion stadium in the Pittsburgh area, some have floated the idea of bringing over old Tiger Stadium, which went into forced retirement in 2000.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 10:50 AM

Disabled List Offers Mark Prior Two-Year, $8 Million Extension June 29, 2006 | Onion Sports CHICAGO—Mark Prior, the right-handed pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the DL that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. "I couldn't even imagine the DL without Mark Prior—over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle, and inflamed Achilles tendon of our organization," said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the DL, which is currently rebuilding by claiming young arms such as Kerry Wood, Ben Sheets, and Mike Maroth. "We firmly believe that Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him." While Prior's agent says the pitcher is exploring his options, experts predict that it is "inevitable" that Prior will return to the DL and, with the loyalty he's shown in the past, likely finish his career there.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 10:55 AM

Alfonso Soriano Regrets Joining 40-40 Club After Meeting Other Members September 21, 2006 | Issue 42•38 WASHINGTON, DC—Upon recording his 40th stolen base of the season, in addition to his 45 home runs, and gaining entry into baseball's exclusive 40-40 club, Nationals left-fielder Alfonso Soriano said that after meeting the other three members—Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez—he now understands why no one has joined in the past eight years. "From all I had heard, this club was going to give me the opportunity to be among the greats of the game, but it turns out there's only three guys here, and one of them—this big, dumb guy who I still have no idea how he got in—kept asking me what kind of steroids I take and if I knew anyone else who took them," Soriano said. "I thought this was supposed to be an elite club, but it looks like they'll let just about any asshole in." Soriano later announced plans to reach the 50-50 plateau as soon as possible so he could "get out before A-Rod asks [him] for some help with his swing again."

soupcan Nov 07 2006 10:56 AM

The Onion can be funny but they need to expand beyond 'Opposite Day' humor.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 10:57 AM

Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball February 5, 2003 | Issue 39•04 NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball. Some of the New York Yankees' newest additions are introduced to the press. "We'd like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Yankees family," said team owner George Steinbrenner, watching as the franchise's 928 newest additions held up their pinstripes at a Yankee Stadium press conference. "With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 27th World Series title." Sports reporters were not surprised by the move. "This is not entirely unexpected," New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass said. "When the Yankees followed up their signing of Japanese slugger Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui by annexing Cuba for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Steinbrenner was willing to do whatever it takes to win." By noon, Yankees GM Brian Cashman had signed the entire National League and most of the American League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Yankees, who bought out the remainder of his $252 million contract for $300 million. "It's an honor to be part of this team," said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the San Francisco Giants as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Ivan Rodriguez, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. "It's a surprise, certainly, but I'd be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball." Yankees manager Joe Torre, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season. "As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league," Torre said. "Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we'll be able to start Pedro Martinez in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary." With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Torre said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding. "Hey, I don't care who you've got on your team; winning in this league is tough—Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson or no Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson," Torre said. "And it's even tougher in New York. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Yankees are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater." The mass signing, extravagant even by Yankees standards, caused the Bronx Bombers' payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $149 million to $5.6 billion. Cashman noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Tom Glavine, who at 37 will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig approved the signing, noting that the other 29 major-league teams received ample financial compensation. "I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Expos can't continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players," Selig said. "The league was due for contraction, anyway."

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:01 AM

Confident Pedro Martinez Performs Own Rotator-Cuff Surgery October 5, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez, who will miss the next eight months with an arm injury, showed no loss of morale or confidence as he performed his own rotator-cuff surgery last week. "My original plan was to make a minor incision in the shoulder and conduct an arthroscopy to examine the torn labrum," Martinez told reporters at the Mets training facility while outlining his method on the photos he took during the procedure. "However, the damage was extensive enough to necessitate me detaching my entire deltoid muscle and performing a thorough acromioplasty to remove bone spurs in my shoulder." Martinez said he expected himself to recover well enough to perform surgery on his calf in three to five months and begin throwing off the mound in eight.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:08 AM

Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy July 20, 2006 | Onion Sports MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:10 AM

Ozzie Guillen Fined $10,000 For What He Just Thought August 10, 2006 | Issue 42•32 CHICAGO—MLB disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for the "irresponsible, offensive, and completely unacceptable" thoughts that passed through the White Sox manager's mind during Wednesday night's game. "During the fourth inning of yesterday's White Sox-Yankees contest, Mr. Guillen's mind conjured a series of insensitive, wildly inappropriate—I would even go so far as to say depraved—thoughts and images," said Bob Watson, MLB vice president of on-field discipline. "Baseball is a social institution with a responsibility to espouse proper values, and there is absolutely no excuse for anyone to entertain thoughts which portray people in a negative or demeaning light, regardless of their race, color, creed, culture, sexual orientation, gender, weight, or personal beliefs." "Major League Baseball would like to offer its most profound, heartfelt apologies to those portrayed inappropriately in Mr. Guillen's mind, including African-Americans, Cuban-Americans, Caucasian-Americans, Dominican-Americans, 'immigrants,' the sportswriting community, the gay community, the White Sox fan community, the communities of Schaumburg, IL and New York City, the umpiring crew, Yankee right-fielder Bobby Abreu and his female relatives, members of the Peace Corps, and women—particularly the female fan seated in Section 32, Row B, Seat 7," Watson added. Watson's report alleges that Guillen carelessly composed his thoughts without considering the fact that millions of fans would know exactly what he was thinking in the event that television cameras inevitably cut to a shot of his sour expression. And according to commissioner Bud Selig, the idea of remorse never crossed Guillen's mind. "Ozzie's thoughts were in poor taste, and the sheer volume and scope of them—all of which occurred over a 17-second span of time—seem to indicate that they were premeditated," Selig said. "I also must strongly emphasize that our organization neither shares nor condones Mr. Guillen's views on statutory rape, regardless of whether or not they are ever vocalized." Guillen's thoughts upon learning of his punishment earned him an additional $5,000 fine and a three-game suspension. "I'm not going to change the way I think," Guillen said during an apology late Wednesday. "Anyone who knows me will tell you I can't control my thoughts." "I acknowledge that the things that entered my mind today might have offended certain groups of people, but you have to realize I didn't mean anything by it," Guillen continued. "After all, my mother is dead, too, and I would never want anyone digging up her corpse and paying drunken, uh, Arabs to do those things to her. And as for people of Middle Eastern origin, I was only imagining those terms being used to refer to just one specific 'filthy raghead,' not a whole region of them." "Also, I would never, ever do that kind of thing to a person in real life, even if I had a worn-down radial-saw blade and 100 milligrams of hydrogen cyanide at my disposal," Guillen added. A recent poll indicates that 97 percent of baseball fans were offended by Guillen's thoughts, with an astounding 12 percent of those polled actually having been personally attacked, insulted, or killed within Guillen's inner tirade. "Ozzie needs to remember that people have families… My 9-year-old daughter was watching at home, and even though she isn't old enough to understand what a 'tire-iron abortion' is, I'm sure she understood that what he was thinking was not nice," said Chicago resident and White Sox fan Brian McVeigh. "And this isn't the last time he'll be on TV. What will I have to explain to my daughter next time she sees Ozzie thinking? Bestiality? Knife rape? Auschwitz?" Guillen, however, claims that if he truly meant what he thought, he would have just come out and said it. "Am I going to have to explain everything I think from now on?" Guillen asked reporters. "Do I really need to tell you people that I don't actually want fuel truck after fuel truck to plow into an orphanage? That I don't really want to feed baby rats to [White Sox pitcher] Jon Garland so they chew their way through his intestinal system and expel themselves out his rectum in unison? That I actually love and respect my wife? Can't you people figure this out on your own? I'm not that bad a guy." "F**king fa**ot ***holes," Guillen added.

Centerfield Nov 07 2006 11:12 AM

At what point do we tell him we already have an Onion thread?

Edgy DC Nov 07 2006 11:13 AM Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Nov 07 2006 11:15 AM

I think we have such a thread. I guess that point came.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:13 AM

A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "#@#ing outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the %$#@ out of this $%$#@hole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:14 AM

Centerfield wrote: At what point do we tell him we already have an Onion thread? er uh didn't see it. my bad

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:17 AM

where is it?

ScarletKnight41 Nov 07 2006 11:17 AM

="patona314"]A-Rod: 'I Hate Being A New York Yankee' NEW YORK—Yankee third-baseman Alex Rodriguez, whose tenure in pinstripes has been plagued by his inability to live up to expectations set by the media, fans, and team owner George Steinbrenner, broke down yesterday after an 0-for-5 performance and tearfully announced that he hates being a New York Yankee. "It just really sucks here," said Rodriguez, who noted that the pressure he faces every day living in the city of New York and playing for the Yankees has become "#@#ing outrageous." "I hate all of it—the dress code, the strict curfew, not having my name on my uniform, the stadium, the tradition, my teammates, playing third base—all of it. For the love of Christ, get me the %$#@ out of this $%$#@hole." Rodriguez later added that the only thing he likes about being a New York Yankee is Don Mattingly. This was from The Onion? It sounds too factual for that ;)

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:26 AM

this one is great: In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit August 2, 2000 | Issue 36•26 It seems everywhere I go these days, some young fella's jibber-jabbering about how great some ballplayer of today is. It's always Mark McGwire this or Sammy Sosa that. Well, of course they're the best. These modern big leaguers, with their blinding speed, cannon arms, and towering home runs–they've got it all. Back in my day, ballplayers were for shit! I'll never forget my first big-league ballgame. It was 1931, at the old Polo Grounds in New York. Giants versus the Reds. Dad by my side and Crackerjacks in hand, I took my seat in the grandstand on a glorious Saturday afternoon. That's when I first laid eyes on him. Out there patrolling the grass in center field for the home-team Giants was Ducky "Lead Legs" Cronin. Worst ballplayer you ever saw. Christ, did he suck. The very first batter up to the plate hits a lazy fly ball right to Ducky. He settles under it, and it bounces right off the heel of his glove. The boos cascaded down from the bleachers like rain! Two at-bats later, Reds second baseman Charlie Frisch–not a very good player in his own right–hits a ball to shallow center field. The moment he hears the crack of the bat, Ducky's on his horse. He charges in on the ball as hard as he can, but he can't get to it. Too slow. That's the thing about the old ballplayers: They were very slow! Today, it's like a track meet out there. Players are flying around the bases like gazelles. But in my day, the players lumbered around in their heavy woolen uniforms like President Taft after a big meal. The slowest of them all was Harry "Three-Toed" Vaughan, a first baseman with the Washington Senators. Legend had it, he could turn off a lightswitch in his bedroom and be in bed 35 seconds later. A guy like that wouldn't stand a chance in today's game. It's sad. Nobody has a sense of history anymore. The modern fan could tell you Barry Bonds' on-base percentage with two outs and runners in scoring position during night games on the road, but he's never even heard of the old St. Louis Browns shortstop Walter "Shitty Batter" Dugan. They called him that because he was a real shitty batter. He'd swing at anything, Dugan would. I swear, I once saw him swing at a throw the pitcher made to first base. But he wasn't the only undisciplined hitter of his era: There was Rocky Evers, Herman Doerr, and Alvin Crow. Guys like that just didn't take the art of hitting as seriously as they do today. They wouldn't have lasted two seconds in the batter's box against a Pedro Martinez. Shit, he'd mow them down. In fact, I would put money down on a bet that Martinez wouldn't even have to break a sweat to do it. These are tough sons of bitches, these ballplayers of today. Cal Ripken plays in more than 2,000 consecutive games. You think any of the old Brooklyn Dodgers could have done that? No way! Fred "Big Pussy" Delahanty used to scratch himself from the lineup if he had a blister on his pinky. One time, an hour before a crucial late-season doubleheader against the Pirates, he checked himself into a hospital with gastroenteritis because he burped. Talk about gutless. And they were rude! Go to a game nowadays, and it's all "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am," and "I'm just trying to do what I can to help the team." Today's players are constantly making charity appearances, and they'll sign autographs until their hands fall off. But try getting an autograph off a guy like Frankie Medwick, the bad Chicago Cubs pitcher from the '40s. He'd have torn you a new asshole! And if you were black, well, let's not even think about that. I was at the barbershop Monday, getting my usual weekly shave and a haircut, when I hear this young whippersnapper in the chair next to me jawing on about that newfangled Mets catcher Mike Piazza. "Did you see that shot Piazza had last night against the Marlins?" he asks Gus, one of the barbers. "It bounced off the Shea scoreboard, 522 feet from the plate. And he broke his bat on the play! Do you have any idea how strong you have to be to get a 522-foot broken-bat homer? I'm telling you, that guy's the greatest hitting catcher in major-league history." I swear, it took every ounce of strength I had to keep me from standing up, walking over to that kid, and totally agreeing with him. Of course Piazza's the best! The old catchers blew! And so did the pitchers! And rightfielders, too! They all stunk! Buncha slow, fat, selfish, mean whiteys. I tell ya, they didn't used to make 'em like they do now.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 11:28 AM

Frank Thomas Credits Recent Power Surge To Steroids September 28, 2006 | Issue 42•39 OAKLAND, CA—After two seasons marked by nagging injuries and sub-par home-run totals, Frank Thomas credited his career rejuvenation and rediscovered power stroke "strictly to my weekly cycle of injecting myself with anabolic steroids." "People ask me all the time what's my secret, how have I stayed in such good shape and been so consistent this season, and I tell them the same thing every time: It's the steroids," said Thomas, who has 19 homers and a league-high 62 RBI since the All-Star break. "I give the steroids all the credit. It's not even just the muscle and the power, but the confidence I have when I step up to the plate knowing I have a total competitive advantage. I just wish I knew about this miracle drug earlier in my career." MLB officials later announced that, should Thomas test positive for steroid use in a random drug test before season's end, his punishment would be significantly reduced for being open and honest about it beforehand.

patona314 Nov 07 2006 12:27 PM

Mia Hamm Declines Third-Year Option On Nomar Garciaparra November 17, 2005 | Issue 41•46 SANTA BARBARA, CA—Just days before the two-year anniversary of their initial agreement of terms, women's soccer legend Mia Hamm opted not to pick up her owner option for a third year on former husband Nomar Garciaparra. "Although I made a commitment to Nomar, there is no doubt that his skills have diminished with age, and it has shown in his lackluster performance over the past two years," said Hamm, who added that although she will always appreciate Garciaparra's loyal service, she is taking herself in a different direction right now. "Nomar is a great person, but he is well beyond his prime, and I just don't see him as a fit in my future." Although Hamm would not release details, she has hinted that after the mandatory waiting period concludes, she will begin to pursue younger, more versatile free agents.

old original jb Nov 09 2006 11:04 AM

We may in fact have another thread for these, but I've never seen it, and reading these made my morning. Thanks, Patona.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 11:37 AM

Gary Sheffield's Agent Warns Interested Teams Not To Tap Glass November 9, 2006 | Issue 42•45 NEW YORK—With his newly available client Gary Sheffield on 24-hour display in a eight-square-foot glass enclosure, agent/warden Rufus Williams advised all interested general managers to avoid tapping the glass, staring, using flash photography, or making any sudden movements while in the vicinity of the notoriously temperamental Yankee right-fielder. "Gary is in a very bad mood today—you can tell by the way he's gnawing at his straight jacket—so please, for the love of God, whatever you do, keep your voice down and don't give him a reason to attack," Williams said to a group of representatives from the Padres, Angels, and Giants. "Now, if you have any offers, you can submit them to me later at—wait, shh, he's stirring… I told you to be quiet… Oh no… Get out! Get out while you still ca—aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!" Upon escaping, Sheffield was able to maul GMs from eight teams with a losing record and one that wanted to play him at first base before being eventually subdued and signed by Scott Boras.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 11:38 AM

ESPN Online Chat With Buster Olney Reveals He's Illiterate November 9, 2006 | Issue 42•45 BRISTOL, CT—During a special ESPN.com "Hot Stove Preview" chat session last Monday, it was revealed that leading baseball analyst Buster Olney is unable to read or write. "Evry teem nedes god pichinq," Olney wrote in response to a question about whether or not he thinks Barry Bonds will resign with the Giants. He added: "RGFlssdas glkfrsfgtyr 578fhs3lka;d." Several ESPN.com contributors, including Jayson Stark and Rob Neyer, came to Olney's defense the following day, saying that they too are illiterate, but believe that skills such as reading or writing are unnecessary in their line of work.

patona314 Nov 26 2006 12:04 PM

Alfonso Soriano: 'I Am Excited To Play For $136 Million' November 23, 2006 | Issue 42•47 CHICAGO—Alfonso Soriano called a press conference Monday to announce that, starting in the 2007 season, he would officially be making $136 million. "I turned down several offers of amounts of money that, in my opinion, were far lower than $136 million," said Soriano, who was smiling from ear to ear as he delivered the news of his signing. "I expect to be making $136 million for a long time." Although Soriano has gained a reputation as a selfish, me-first player, he went on to assure his critics that this new contract is "not about the money."

patona314 Dec 06 2006 01:46 PM

Derek Jeter Dating Jessica Biel, Repeatedly Reports Derek Jeter November 30, 2006 | Onion Sports NEW YORK—According to his teammates, other MLB players, Yankee management, friends, relatives, his old college professors, and any random stranger with whom he has come into contact during the past two days, Derek Jeter is dating former 7th Heaven star Jessica Biel. "Last night, me—me, Derek Jeter—and the beautiful, charming Jessica Biel were laughing, talking, and, yes, kissing in a dark corner of the hip L.A. nightclub Hyde," Jeter told reporters from the New York Daily News, New York Post's "Page Six," Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, New York Times, London Free Press, Cleveland Plain-Dealer, and 128 other national and local publications Sunday. "Just thought you all might want to know—we're an item. Yup, it's official. We really hit it off, she is incredibly sexy, and we will be attending a party together this Saturday night at Club Element in case you want to take pictures. Can you believe this?!" Jeter added that, although he was upset about not winning the AL Most Valuable Player award, he "doesn't see Justin Morneau dating anyone who was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive in 2005.