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Endy Chavez

patona314 Nov 09 2006 01:34 PM

Matt over at Metsblog.com found this little diddy about Endy: Irrefutable Facts About Endy Chavez? Believe It. From BMC's comments at Metsgeek.com: Endy Chavez is so fast that when he goes after a fly ball, he has time to tie his shoes, shave, and call his mother while he waits for the ball to come down. Endy Chavez dropped a ball once. Once. 70% of the earth’s surface is covered by water. The rest is covered by Endy Chavez. Endy Chavez learned how to fly from Superman so he could dive for line drives. The Snow Cone is being renamed to the Endy Chavez. Endy Chavez doesn’t climb over walls to catch the ball, he leaps over them in a single bound. Update: BMC posted more... Endy Chavez can play all three outfield positions. At the same time. Endy Chavez has to use a foam bat. Endy Chavez is so fast, he can steal first base. One time I saw Endy Chavez hop over the centerfield fence, hotwire a car, and drive 3 blocks to rob a home run from Andruw Jones. Endy Chavez can hit a five run homer. Endy Chavez was released by the Phillies 'cause he makes a better cheese steak than Pat. I saw Endy Chavez hit an inside the park home run. Running backwards. Endy Chavez taught Pedro his changeup. Endy Chavez doesn't cry. Endy Chavez can pitch with both hands. Albert Pujols keeps an Endy Chavez Topps rookie card in his locker for good luck. The new stadium for the Mets in 2009 will be called Endy Chavez Field. When the Expos moved to Washington, Endy Chavez carried the team on his back. The entire team. And the bat boy. Between innings, Endy Chavez dresses up as Mr. Met to entertain the fans. Endy Chavez is Willie's favorite player! Roger Clemens has a clause in his contract that he never has to face Endy Chavez. Classic. Endy Chavez has become a cult hero. Who would have guessed it?

Yancy Street Gang Nov 09 2006 02:57 PM

Endy better not dare to be human next year if this kind of nonsense is being written about him.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 02:59 PM

Yancy Street Gang wrote: Endy better not dare to be human next year if this kind of nonsense is being written about him. His best bet is to go somwhere else so his NY image is never tarnished, sort of like ron swoboda.

soupcan Nov 09 2006 03:17 PM

Does anybody thnk even one of those is remotely funny?

metirish Nov 09 2006 03:18 PM

Not one bit...

patona314 Nov 09 2006 03:24 PM

metirish wrote: Not one bit... must be my dry sense of humor..

Frayed Knot Nov 09 2006 03:30 PM

It's a pale imitation of those 'Chuck Norris' type-lists that were floating around the internet a while ago. In fact, putting one in that said Endy could beat up Chcuk Norris would have made it funnier.

OlerudOwned Nov 09 2006 03:35 PM

This horse has been thoroughly beaten.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 03:39 PM

OlerudOwned wrote: This horse has been thoroughly beaten. Chuck Norris stabbed his grandmother in the neck for forgetting his favorite pie at Christmas. Upon learning that she had actually brought it and was playing a joke on him, he conjured her back to life by roundhouse kicking Jesus. Chuck Norris wipes standing up. Chuck Norris was born Charles Edwin Norris III. Despite being mere minutes old, he grabbed his birth certificate and roundhouse-kicked it up his father's ass because, as he said, "I will never get any pussy with the name Charles. From now on, call me Chuck... because it rhymes with fuck." When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes. Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 03:44 PM

sorry, slow day at work. 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks. 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. 18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. 19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. 21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. 23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids. 24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that ****** did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. 26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. 27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". 29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

soupcan Nov 09 2006 03:46 PM

Okay thanks. You can go now.

iramets Nov 09 2006 03:46 PM

This is just getting worse and worse, isn't it?

Yancy Street Gang Nov 09 2006 03:55 PM

Isn't Chuck Norris that guy who looked like Mike Schmidt?

metsmarathon Nov 09 2006 04:08 PM

ok, the oregon trail one is funny. but also unfunny in its length. no more lists. that should be, like, a man law or something. no overly long email lists.

Yancy Street Gang Nov 09 2006 04:14 PM

I've seen similar stuff about Jack Bauer. I kind of liked "Jack Bauer killed Kiefer Sutherland because nobody plays Jack Bauer!" but most of this stuff is dumb. I get enough spam in my e-mail box, I don't need to find it here too.

Edgy DC Nov 09 2006 04:20 PM

I notice they bleeped out "Hitler" up there. Do spam filters grab Hitler references?

patona314 Nov 09 2006 04:21 PM

it was like that where i found it.

cooby Nov 09 2006 04:25 PM

Soupcan cracks me up

OlerudOwned Nov 09 2006 07:02 PM

"Chuck Norris is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Chuck Norris fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend."

Elster88 Nov 09 2006 09:00 PM

Yeah the new guy's bugging me.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 09:31 PM

Elster88 wrote: Yeah the new guy's bugging me. 1) it's the off season and the mets can't talk to other free agents until monday. can't we have some fun? 2) I'f I'm bugging you, you have thin skin.

soupcan Nov 09 2006 10:27 PM

How about instead of us getting thicker skin you stop posting shit just to post it? Obviously you're bugging more than just some of us with all this crap so take a friggin' hint.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 10:37 PM

soupcan wrote: How about instead of us getting thicker skin you stop posting shit just to post it? Obviously you're bugging more than just some of us with all this crap so take a friggin' hint. you're a soup can, tomato i believe.

Elster88 Nov 09 2006 10:44 PM

="patona314"] ="Elster88"]Yeah the new guy's bugging me. 2) I'f I'm bugging you, you have thin skin. It's not that I have thin skin, it's that you're posting useless stuff just for posting. Thin-skinnedness means you can't take someone joking around with you or talking junk without getting pissed off. You're not joking or teasing, your just being annoying. Even something like the Onion (a fairly entertaining, worthwhile website) instead of posting article after article (one from 2003?!?!) how about just posting a link to the website once? Of course that won't boost your post count any, but it would be more agreeable to everyone else here. Seriously why in the world would anyone post an article from three years ago? Actually, why in the world am I wasting my time explaining all of this? My entire post here should be obvious to anyone with half a brain.

patona314 Nov 09 2006 10:54 PM

Well elster, I'm sure you are a savy computer user that has known about the "the onion" for quite a while. And I am sure that in 2003 you read this little snippet that made you giggle. But, in my opinion, since you read it, anyone who missed it in 2003 should not be allowed to read it. You are thin skinned sir

soupcan Nov 09 2006 10:54 PM

patona314 wrote: you're a soup can, tomato i believe. Surprisingly no. I'm an actual person. The picture of the tomato soup can is simply a picture. My apologies if it confused you. Look I don't mean to be a jerk. Really. I'm sure you're a nice fella and I'm glad you are as enthusiastic a Mets fan as the rest of us, but take what Elster and I am saying to heart. There are so many other fan forums out there that are full of gonads that just want to post stupid crap. Not saying you are a gonad, just trying to make a point. What we've got here is quite different and I'm sure its not for everyone. If you like it then great - I am sure that we are all happy to have you, but do everyone here a favor and recognize that we do try to be a little different and try to respect what the people that created this place have tried to do. That's all I'm saying.

KC Nov 09 2006 10:54 PM

p314: >>>you're a soup can, tomato i believe<<< All these years I thought he was minestrone. I think you'll find we have pretty thick skin, but low tolerance for nonsense. A few of us are grandfathered in for nonsense, but that's another story.

Elster88 Nov 09 2006 10:56 PM

]But, in my opinion, since you read it, anyone who missed it in 2003 should not be allowed to read it. And posting a link once couldn't have achieved this? As well as giving people a look at all the other articles? ="patona314"] You are thin skinned sir I thought I explained what thin skinned meant. I guess you didn't understand.

metirish Nov 09 2006 11:01 PM Edited 1 time(s), most recently on Nov 09 2006 11:12 PM

Elster is a thick skinned bollox,last week he took a beating(in fun) and laughed about it...any baseball fan here is welcome ,we just don't like silly shit,when I first started posting here I learned that,it's really not like other boards...probably why we don't have a few thousand members..but that's ok.

cooby Nov 09 2006 11:05 PM

]probably why we don't have a few thousand members..but that's ok. Oh my, yes

patona314 Nov 09 2006 11:21 PM

RU just won. I'm sorry, but I am a joker...look at my avatar i love the mets i have a sense of humor i am sort of new to boards it is the off season and a soup can is yelling at me.

KC Nov 09 2006 11:55 PM

Ya burst onto the scene with a sig line and an amusing avatar in tastefully done dimensions (I hate big avatars) and you're new to boards? Well done. (edited for clarity)

patona314 Nov 10 2006 12:05 AM

i opened up my cupboard tonight and the cream of mushroom gave me a dirty look...